Chapter 8

Tara was walking through a beautiful park with Anne and her husband when Patrick shook her awake.

"Mom, Daddy is on the phone!", he said as he handed it to her. She tried to brace herself for the verbal beating she was sure was coming. Instead, when he began to speak, she realized it was Jake, not Dan, on the phone.

"Jake! Why are you calling? Is something wrong?"

"I just heard about Anne. My cousin works in the ICU, and could be in trouble for telling me, but she knew how close we all used to be."

Tara sat up, coming fully awake with the realization that Anne really was dying. She began to cry, and Jake just let her. He kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.." over and over while she just let years of pain wash over her. All the things that had happened with her family, Anne's illness, Dan's abuse, and many, many other painful things she had been through just overwhelmed her, and she just couldn't stop crying. Patrick was crying, too. She knew she was scaring him with her sobs, but she just couldn't stop. Finally, after several minutes, Jake said, "I will call you back later. I am so sorry if I upset you".

Nearly an hour later, Tara had calmed down enough to reassure Patrick that everything was going to be okay. He knew "Auntie" Anne was sick, and he was starting to understand that she might die eventually, but seeing his mom crying so hard, he thought she had already died. Tara told him that Anne was going to die soon, and that she was going to Salt Lake to say goodbye. He begged to go with her, and she realized that he needed it as much as she did. "Besides" she thought, "Dan wasn't thrilled with keeping him".

Fifteen minutes later, she was packed, Patrick had gone to the bathroom one last time, the baby was changed and fed, and they were out the door.

I want to ask...                                                               
Do you remember the night I can't forget,                                                   
Drawn to your smile and getting lost in your eyes?
You seemed to be almost afraid of me,
Then started a tickle fight; pinning me down,
Feeling a connection for a second or two,
Before we realized how it might look,
And moved to separate ends of the couch

I want to tell you...
I like the way you held back;
Not quite sure whether to trust.
Making sure of your feelings
Before embracing who we could be.
The way you held onto a bit of the innocence
Even after all the trials.
I love your patient, careful pace.

I want to ask...
Do you ever think about the note.
Telling me all the reasons you loved me.
Just before you told me it was over?
How you asked, "Can we still be friends?"
As if it was a consolation prize
You hoped would ease the pain
When you ripped your heart from mine

I want to tell you...
Our goodbyes have been "until next time" .
Even when years separated us.
You were always in my thoughts
With my faith in what we could be.
To love is to gamble on losing,
But with each gamble comes assurance
That you will recognize better love when it comes

I want to ask...
Have you forgotten that day a lifetime ago
When the empty place you left behind
Was still waiting for you?
I wanted you there with all of my heart
So naive to think you'd still fit
We were strangers whose memories fooled us
Into thinking nothing had changed

I want to tell you.....
I have never forgotten how it felt
To look at you and have so much hope.
I thought I could let the past go.
I gave more than ever before.
Only to push you away
When I really wanted to pull you closer
And trust with my fearful heart

I want to ask...
Who did you turn to when you felt so alone?
When everyone around you seemed too busy
Or just couldn't see what you were dealing with?
Did you know how often I thought of you?
How I hoped you were happy and healthy?
Wishing I could just take a peek into your life
To make sure you were okay.

I want to tell you...
I could be the one you can turn to
When your world is falling apart.
I want to give back what you've given me
Just by being someone I could trust.
If I had any regrets over time,
It is not that I let myself love you,
But because I still held something back.

I want to ask...
When you look into the mirror of our lives,
Are the problems bigger than we thought?
Do you miss who we both used to be?
The carefree faith of youth, believing love conquers all?
Or do you look at who we are now,
Knowing each of those broken roads,
Got us to a better place, here and now?

I want to tell you...
The mirror of my life seemed so cloudy.
I questioned what I really wanted.
What's been said and done can't be changed.
I wipe out the past and reflect on today,
Feeling a familiar and constant love,
For someone who has always come back.
I'll step forward to meet you halfway.

          2/28/14

Painlessly Alone

My mind is swirling
The sounds, sights, and smells
Compete against each other
To overwhelm me
I long for peace, silence, oblivion
My head is throbbing
Trying to shut it all out.
I shut everything
My eyes, the door, the dark curtains
Shutting out the world
Finally! I am alone with the pain.

My eyes open
Before my brain catches up
I am lost in silence
An outcast, completely alone
Listening for signs of life
Hoping someone is outside my fortress
Ready to welcome me back
Happy to see me step out
If only for a moment
Instead there is only silence
I am painlessly alone

-2 Jun 2012-

Just Friends

I say I want to be friends
You agree, but I see the pain
Crossing your face for a moment
Before the smile shows up again
We spent so many days together
Hundreds of nights too
I loved someone else
But couldn’t give up on you
The years passed, we grew apart
While my heart never forgot
The way it felt to hold you
Hoping we never got caught
Life has a way of moving on
I've guess I've been happy enough
But all these years without you
To hold me, has been a little tough

You say you just want to be friends
I agree, there just isn’t that flame
I love our time together
But it just isn’t the same
As all the times I loved before
And felt that little spark
Whenever I was sitting close
To someone in the dark
Is there really something wrong
With loving you much stronger
Than the way I loved them way back then
If this love lasts so much longer?
The moments when I'm with you
Even more when we are apart
My mind is constantly on you
I love you with all of my heart
          5/24/12

Music Soothes the Soul

I remember the first time I heard it
I thought it was a recording
Just to help us stay on key
My breath caught in my throat
I felt goose bumps on my arm
And a tingle went up my back
When it unexpectedly stopped
I looked around to see who had shut it off
All I could see was the boys
Standing just to my left
All their mouths moving, except one
Just as I turned back to read the next verse
The beautiful sound started up again
I couldn’t believe it
I didn’t know music could sound like this
Or at least not outside the Tabernacle Choir
Or some other group, like Manheim Steamroller
Not here, in small town Idaho
And definitely not from this little group
Of grieving grandchildren
Trying to hold back tears
While sending off their grandmother
With a song
I remember so many other times
I heard that music again
In church, at the holidays, even on long drives
Each time, taking me by surprise
Making me look around in wonder
Thinking it must be coming from Heaven
But finding only a single voice
Singing to my heart and soul
Making me feel enveloped in peace
Longing to always feel this way
So many years passed
With the music gone
Almost forgotten
Then a momentary thought
Brought it back
Still as strong and beautiful
In my memory
Still taking my breath
Giving me goose bumps
And the shiver up my back
          5/24/12

I Will Remember You

I watch them together
The woman near the end of her life
And the girl just 10 years into hers
They share stories about their lives
One remembering every detail of her childhood
While having trouble remembering what she had for breakfast.
The other is so full of stories about "today"
You would think she had already lived 3 lifetimes
The woman asks the girl a question
I can see the confusion and slight frustration
Cross both their faces
One knows she should know the answer
The other has given the answer many times already
("How old are you now?" "Ten")
Today is one of the "bad" ones
Her memory is only minutes long
She looks at the girl, a little sad
"What will we do when I can't remember you?"
The girl walks over to her
Hugs her tight
And with a slight sadness in her voice
Whispers, "I will remember you"
          5/19/12

Loving Acceptance

It was just one ordinary moment
In one ordinary day
During an ordinary week
In the middle of an ordinary month
In the most fantastic year I have had
For a very long time

I look back on it
Think of every detail
The smile, the mischievous look
The way my heart leaped
Making me feel warm, but…
With a shiver down my spine

I remember how in that moment
My heart knew the truth
Before my mind was ready
I was surprised to find
I am not as unfeeling
As I thought I was

I could have died
Gone to Paradise
And I wouldn’t be any happier
Than that one moment in time
When I looked into your eyes
And saw…Acceptance

-16 May 2012-