Just To Be Together

I passed by the archery range today, just like a hundred times before.
I found myself thinking of all the times you were there,
And I was somewhere else because I didn’t want to be there.
Now I would give anything to go back, turn into that driveway, and walk the course with you.
I thought of the one time I did; how very few women were there.
How it seemed like a “husband’s escape” from everything, including his wife or girlfriend,
How you wanted me there, walking with you, holding hands,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I saw an ad about YMCA.
They take a day trip to Lagoon, once a year, for forty dollars.
I thought of our “2nd honeymoon”.
You know, the one I insisted we share with family and friends,
Because at that point I was so deep inside myself I didn’t think you’d care.
How I spent the entire trip trying to make everyone as miserable as me.
Forty dollars is so little money to turn back time
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I think of the best birthday I ever had (and I am serious)
Standing in a forest in the middle of Kilgore, measuring logs and stacking them.
Getting dirty, dropping things on my feet, crouching behind a tree.
Hoping no one finds me before I could cover my behind.
Hardly able to keep my eyes open all the way home, every muscle aching for days.
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Every day at work, I look at the picture of my “Angel Dad”, Gene
And I know how much you helped me just by being there,
Despite all the hurts, all the depression, all the dwelling on your past,
You loved me, and I knew how very much I love you too
I saw my “Manti Dwight” and I stayed in Twin, prolonging the return to reality
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I hear people talking about hunting or fishing and I think about how much I used to look forward to it.
We would go to Kilgore, and while you walked around, smelling like elk urine,
I sat in your grandpa’s house, getting to know your extended family.
You would come through the door, and I didn’t care what you looked or smelled like.
I would spend days, doing “nothing”
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Then your grandpa died. The house was so empty.
The reminders of our loss were all over the back roads, fishing holes, and wood gathering places.
I couldn’t stand to witness the taking of other lives, even that of an animal.
Yet, I went back over and over, forced myself to sit in that house,
Missing your grandpa and everyone else I had lost,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I was judging you every day against the “perfect Manti Dwight”
Or the “evil” child molester, instead of taking one day at a time
When I would scream at you for a neat little white package sitting in our freezer
And accuse you of not caring; not understanding my pain
I still loved seeing you walk through the door, knowing you were finally home
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I left, you were always calling or coming over to see us
Using every manipulation you could think of, and I moved farther and farther inside myself.
Hurting, rejecting, and banning you out of my life until you were looking outside yourself
Starting a new life; your heart leaving mine, while I was thinking of all the ways I loved…
JUST BEING TOGETHER
-May 1998-