I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in again.
We laugh alot and share our dreams
Always at a slight distance
Close enough, but never quite touching
I meet him over and over through his blog
Seeing pictures in my mind of who he is
Who he was, who he is going to be
Learning his secrets
By unraveling past, present, and future
In little bite-sized morsels
Every day brings another discovery
Another reason for me to rush to his door
I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in
I love him, love my time with him
Love every moment in his presence
Then the time comes to say goodbye
I slowly make my way to the door
Just as I am feeling
I am leaving my heart behind
Thinking of too many hours in between
He moves closer, we hug, and...
Well... I look forward to goodbye
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
A Still Heart
I saw forever in your eyes
While we lived for here and now
I knew it wouldn’t be forever
Then I forgot it all somehow
I gave my heart and soul to you
No one else could come between
You were my one and only
The best man I’ve ever seen
Each day I let you closer
As you moved farther away
No matter the distance between us
I knew it would work out okay
Just when I started to think
My dream would somehow come true
I got the news, one day late
I lost my last chance with you
1-22-07
While we lived for here and now
I knew it wouldn’t be forever
Then I forgot it all somehow
I gave my heart and soul to you
No one else could come between
You were my one and only
The best man I’ve ever seen
Each day I let you closer
As you moved farther away
No matter the distance between us
I knew it would work out okay
Just when I started to think
My dream would somehow come true
I got the news, one day late
I lost my last chance with you
1-22-07
Still Gone
I’ll be okay, eventually
I just need time; just a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
Remembering you, missing you, still loving you
Mere moments in time that will last forever
Miles away or separated by death
You are always here in my heart
I sleep restlessly, seeing you in my dreams
I can see you, feel you, hear your voice
My mind doesn’t remember you are gone
I am fooled into thinking you are really here
Daylight brings a lack of sleep
The loss of you
True darkness once again
I’ll be okay, eventually
I just need time; a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
1-20-07
I just need time; just a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
Remembering you, missing you, still loving you
Mere moments in time that will last forever
Miles away or separated by death
You are always here in my heart
I sleep restlessly, seeing you in my dreams
I can see you, feel you, hear your voice
My mind doesn’t remember you are gone
I am fooled into thinking you are really here
Daylight brings a lack of sleep
The loss of you
True darkness once again
I’ll be okay, eventually
I just need time; a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
1-20-07
Just To Be Together
I passed by the archery range today, just like a hundred times before.
I found myself thinking of all the times you were there,
And I was somewhere else because I didn’t want to be there.
Now I would give anything to go back, turn into that driveway, and walk the course with you.
I thought of the one time I did; how very few women were there.
How it seemed like a “husband’s escape” from everything, including his wife or girlfriend,
How you wanted me there, walking with you, holding hands,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I saw an ad about YMCA.
They take a day trip to Lagoon, once a year, for forty dollars.
I thought of our “2nd honeymoon”.
You know, the one I insisted we share with family and friends,
Because at that point I was so deep inside myself I didn’t think you’d care.
How I spent the entire trip trying to make everyone as miserable as me.
Forty dollars is so little money to turn back time
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I think of the best birthday I ever had (and I am serious)
Standing in a forest in the middle of Kilgore, measuring logs and stacking them.
Getting dirty, dropping things on my feet, crouching behind a tree.
Hoping no one finds me before I could cover my behind.
Hardly able to keep my eyes open all the way home, every muscle aching for days.
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Every day at work, I look at the picture of my “Angel Dad”, Gene
And I know how much you helped me just by being there,
Despite all the hurts, all the depression, all the dwelling on your past,
You loved me, and I knew how very much I love you too
I saw my “Manti Dwight” and I stayed in Twin, prolonging the return to reality
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I hear people talking about hunting or fishing and I think about how much I used to look forward to it.
We would go to Kilgore, and while you walked around, smelling like elk urine,
I sat in your grandpa’s house, getting to know your extended family.
You would come through the door, and I didn’t care what you looked or smelled like.
I would spend days, doing “nothing”
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Then your grandpa died. The house was so empty.
The reminders of our loss were all over the back roads, fishing holes, and wood gathering places.
I couldn’t stand to witness the taking of other lives, even that of an animal.
Yet, I went back over and over, forced myself to sit in that house,
Missing your grandpa and everyone else I had lost,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I was judging you every day against the “perfect Manti Dwight”
Or the “evil” child molester, instead of taking one day at a time
When I would scream at you for a neat little white package sitting in our freezer
And accuse you of not caring; not understanding my pain
I still loved seeing you walk through the door, knowing you were finally home
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I left, you were always calling or coming over to see us
Using every manipulation you could think of, and I moved farther and farther inside myself.
Hurting, rejecting, and banning you out of my life until you were looking outside yourself
Starting a new life; your heart leaving mine, while I was thinking of all the ways I loved…
JUST BEING TOGETHER
-May 1998-
I found myself thinking of all the times you were there,
And I was somewhere else because I didn’t want to be there.
Now I would give anything to go back, turn into that driveway, and walk the course with you.
I thought of the one time I did; how very few women were there.
How it seemed like a “husband’s escape” from everything, including his wife or girlfriend,
How you wanted me there, walking with you, holding hands,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I saw an ad about YMCA.
They take a day trip to Lagoon, once a year, for forty dollars.
I thought of our “2nd honeymoon”.
You know, the one I insisted we share with family and friends,
Because at that point I was so deep inside myself I didn’t think you’d care.
How I spent the entire trip trying to make everyone as miserable as me.
Forty dollars is so little money to turn back time
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I think of the best birthday I ever had (and I am serious)
Standing in a forest in the middle of Kilgore, measuring logs and stacking them.
Getting dirty, dropping things on my feet, crouching behind a tree.
Hoping no one finds me before I could cover my behind.
Hardly able to keep my eyes open all the way home, every muscle aching for days.
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Every day at work, I look at the picture of my “Angel Dad”, Gene
And I know how much you helped me just by being there,
Despite all the hurts, all the depression, all the dwelling on your past,
You loved me, and I knew how very much I love you too
I saw my “Manti Dwight” and I stayed in Twin, prolonging the return to reality
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I hear people talking about hunting or fishing and I think about how much I used to look forward to it.
We would go to Kilgore, and while you walked around, smelling like elk urine,
I sat in your grandpa’s house, getting to know your extended family.
You would come through the door, and I didn’t care what you looked or smelled like.
I would spend days, doing “nothing”
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Then your grandpa died. The house was so empty.
The reminders of our loss were all over the back roads, fishing holes, and wood gathering places.
I couldn’t stand to witness the taking of other lives, even that of an animal.
Yet, I went back over and over, forced myself to sit in that house,
Missing your grandpa and everyone else I had lost,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I was judging you every day against the “perfect Manti Dwight”
Or the “evil” child molester, instead of taking one day at a time
When I would scream at you for a neat little white package sitting in our freezer
And accuse you of not caring; not understanding my pain
I still loved seeing you walk through the door, knowing you were finally home
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I left, you were always calling or coming over to see us
Using every manipulation you could think of, and I moved farther and farther inside myself.
Hurting, rejecting, and banning you out of my life until you were looking outside yourself
Starting a new life; your heart leaving mine, while I was thinking of all the ways I loved…
JUST BEING TOGETHER
-May 1998-
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Way it Should Be
Some people find satisfaction in a sexual encounter
Always measuring their worth by their rating in bed
I can't deny that it's satisfying to lie next to a man
And feel the electricity of knowing he wants you
As much as you want him
I want to play the game first; start at the home plate
Getting to know each other without the worries of commitment
Then move to a new place
Where the brush of a hand or a look from him
Sets you on fire
Eventually, as time goes by, love should come into the picture
Making seperations become painful; like ripping yourself in half
Then you want to share everything
Every inch of skin becomes an adventure as you explore each other
Creating an endless bond
A one-night stand can't give you
What completely fulfilled love can give you
Sex is so much more sexy
When you can trust completely
Without fear of rejection
6/6/92
Always measuring their worth by their rating in bed
I can't deny that it's satisfying to lie next to a man
And feel the electricity of knowing he wants you
As much as you want him
I want to play the game first; start at the home plate
Getting to know each other without the worries of commitment
Then move to a new place
Where the brush of a hand or a look from him
Sets you on fire
Eventually, as time goes by, love should come into the picture
Making seperations become painful; like ripping yourself in half
Then you want to share everything
Every inch of skin becomes an adventure as you explore each other
Creating an endless bond
A one-night stand can't give you
What completely fulfilled love can give you
Sex is so much more sexy
When you can trust completely
Without fear of rejection
6/6/92
Friday, January 6, 2012
Still In My Heart
Just when I thought
I could live without you
I felt your eyes
Looking at me from behind the shades
I feel the same excited shiver
I try to catch your eye
But like so many times before
All I see is the flutter of movement
The smell of you surrounds me
I dance with it
Wanting to hold you
Settling for an invisible reminder
Always searching for you
In everything wonderful
In the early morning hours
Before reality invades my dreams
I feel your skin next to mine
Your warmth passes through me
Like an electric current
That flies in every direction
Then I open my eyes
To an empty room
To an empty heart
To empty arms
Yet, even at that moment
When I realize it's a dream
My eyes and mind decieve
You are still there...in my heart
-6/6/92-
I could live without you
I felt your eyes
Looking at me from behind the shades
I feel the same excited shiver
I try to catch your eye
But like so many times before
All I see is the flutter of movement
The smell of you surrounds me
I dance with it
Wanting to hold you
Settling for an invisible reminder
Always searching for you
In everything wonderful
In the early morning hours
Before reality invades my dreams
I feel your skin next to mine
Your warmth passes through me
Like an electric current
That flies in every direction
Then I open my eyes
To an empty room
To an empty heart
To empty arms
Yet, even at that moment
When I realize it's a dream
My eyes and mind decieve
You are still there...in my heart
-6/6/92-
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Never Again
Gone from my heart
Not from my dreams
Every day I push you farther away
Trying to forget our past
Then at night I let my guard down
And you creep back in
Invading the space in my dreams
Where I want others
My sleep is my own
You have no right to it
You make me miserable all day
Then you enter the only escape I have
There you are so kind
You become the man I fell in love with
I start trusting you again
I long for your embrace
Then I open my eyes
To a world
Where you are no longer
The man I fell in love with
-5/17/92-
Not from my dreams
Every day I push you farther away
Trying to forget our past
Then at night I let my guard down
And you creep back in
Invading the space in my dreams
Where I want others
My sleep is my own
You have no right to it
You make me miserable all day
Then you enter the only escape I have
There you are so kind
You become the man I fell in love with
I start trusting you again
I long for your embrace
Then I open my eyes
To a world
Where you are no longer
The man I fell in love with
-5/17/92-
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