Looking for Light & Knowledge

That feeling is there again
I look around, expecting to see the source
There must be something in the shadows
Waiting to sneak in when I am not looking
To tear apart my heart and leave me hurting
I can't see it, but I feel it all around me and inside me
The dread filling my stomach with a huge stone
The fear of the unknown swirling around in my head
The ache between my shoulder blades
Telling me I have been tense for too long

The silence is overwhelming
Too quiet
Too good to be true
Too peaceful to bring me peace
I am holding my breath
Waiting for the source of my dread to spring up
Like so many other times
I gave the key to my deepest part
Only to have it damaged
Leaving me to barricade myself against any feelings

Maybe this time it is just my imagination
Maybe the nightmares from my past are now only in the past
Maybe it is quiet because God has something to tell me
Maybe it is so true that it really is good
Maybe the peaceful feeling comes from the knowledge
That I am finally doing what I want
Being who I want
Showing my true self to the world
Loving life and sending love out to those around me
Expecting nothing and getting so much more than that

Can it really be that simple?
All I have to do is be still & let God's whispers be heard
The words of encouragement
Being drowned out by my endless questions
Why? When? How?
Always expecting the worst
When I already had the best right in front of me
And I was looking behind me
At something that was already gone
I just didn't realize it in time

I know I am ready to listen
I know whatever my future holds
Is determined by my ability to let go and let God
I may feel confused and lost
But God is beside me, and he knows where I am going
All I need to do is be like a child
Turning to him, reaching for his hand
Letting him lead me to wherever I need to be
Throwing away the candle I have been using
To be guided by the Everlasting Light

18 Feb 2012