Too Much is Just Enough

I see him moving toward me

Intent on weeding out all the flaws

I am in pain, but trying to do my part

Hoping to keep up to his pace

I'm watching the way he works

So careful not to leave any trace

Of the things preventing new growth

I am doing my best, wanting to keep up

Yet caught up in watching the way

He so humbly does his part

Then does my part too

While I enjoy just being near him

Again he is right beside me

Close enough for me to feel his warmth

And sigh over the way he smells

Trying to think of what to say

To get his attention

Only to lose my chance

Because he has looked outside himself

Giving his attention to the one

God blessed with a child-like innocence

I long to be like that

Seeing the world with no filters

Looking outside myself

He gives me his number

I feel a leap of hope

One phone call leads to more

He shares his deepest thoughts and feelings

While I marvel at his strength

He tells me he has been damaged

While I only see the perfection he is

He is like a memory I didn't even know I had

Until he opened a door to his past

Giving me a feeling of deja vu

Like I knew him and loved him before

Leaving me searching my memory for more

He is so much; more than enough

Making sparks just by being himself

Everytime I hear his voice or see his smile

It washes over and through me like a wave or current

Making me feel so alive

While bringing peace to my turbulent soul

He is more than I could imagine

When I dreamed of the man I desired

I am striving to better myself

Wanting so much to be worthy of him

His light shines forth like a beacon

I feel lucky to bask in it's glow

-19 Feb 2012-

Looking for Light & Knowledge

That feeling is there again
I look around, expecting to see the source
There must be something in the shadows
Waiting to sneak in when I am not looking
To tear apart my heart and leave me hurting
I can't see it, but I feel it all around me and inside me
The dread filling my stomach with a huge stone
The fear of the unknown swirling around in my head
The ache between my shoulder blades
Telling me I have been tense for too long

The silence is overwhelming
Too quiet
Too good to be true
Too peaceful to bring me peace
I am holding my breath
Waiting for the source of my dread to spring up
Like so many other times
I gave the key to my deepest part
Only to have it damaged
Leaving me to barricade myself against any feelings

Maybe this time it is just my imagination
Maybe the nightmares from my past are now only in the past
Maybe it is quiet because God has something to tell me
Maybe it is so true that it really is good
Maybe the peaceful feeling comes from the knowledge
That I am finally doing what I want
Being who I want
Showing my true self to the world
Loving life and sending love out to those around me
Expecting nothing and getting so much more than that

Can it really be that simple?
All I have to do is be still & let God's whispers be heard
The words of encouragement
Being drowned out by my endless questions
Why? When? How?
Always expecting the worst
When I already had the best right in front of me
And I was looking behind me
At something that was already gone
I just didn't realize it in time

I know I am ready to listen
I know whatever my future holds
Is determined by my ability to let go and let God
I may feel confused and lost
But God is beside me, and he knows where I am going
All I need to do is be like a child
Turning to him, reaching for his hand
Letting him lead me to wherever I need to be
Throwing away the candle I have been using
To be guided by the Everlasting Light

18 Feb 2012

In Grief Shall We Find Joy

I had a dream once…
I was on a beach, and the sand was just warm enough to dispel the cold wind.
I was walking on the edge, an occasional wave covering the tops of my feet
I was watching a child, keeping him in sight at all times
I didn’t recognize the child, but I knew I was responsible for him.
I turned to watch a father building a castle with his daughter,
Feeling contented with the knowledge that he loved her.
When I turned to look for the little boy, he was gone.
I ran, frantically looking all around me, afraid he was gone forever.
Then just as I was ready to collapse on the sand in despair
I saw his head, barely visible above a vendor’s shack.
I ran to him, gathering him in my arms, so happy to have found him.
Suddenly I realized he was made of sand, & was slipping through my fingers.
I tried desperately to squeeze my fingers together
Hoping to hold on to even a few grains of him, but knowing he was lost.
I stood there and cried, feeling so guilty that I had not done my job.
As my vision became blurred by my tears, I saw a man
Walking along, picking up a handful of sand here and there
As if there were only certain shades and textures he was seeking.
I followed him, trying to figure out what he was doing
Asking what he was planning to create.
He answered me with a smile, holding out a handful of sand
I saw what he held, and dropped to my knees in gratitude
For in his hand was the one who was lost, shaped and molded with my tears.