Painlessly Alone

My mind is swirling
The sounds, sights, and smells
Compete against each other
To overwhelm me
I long for peace, silence, oblivion
My head is throbbing
Trying to shut it all out.
I shut everything
My eyes, the door, the dark curtains
Shutting out the world
Finally! I am alone with the pain.

My eyes open
Before my brain catches up
I am lost in silence
An outcast, completely alone
Listening for signs of life
Hoping someone is outside my fortress
Ready to welcome me back
Happy to see me step out
If only for a moment
Instead there is only silence
I am painlessly alone

-2 Jun 2012-

Just Friends

I say I want to be friends
You agree, but I see the pain
Crossing your face for a moment
Before the smile shows up again
We spent so many days together
Hundreds of nights too
I loved someone else
But couldn’t give up on you
The years passed, we grew apart
While my heart never forgot
The way it felt to hold you
Hoping we never got caught
Life has a way of moving on
I've guess I've been happy enough
But all these years without you
To hold me, has been a little tough

You say you just want to be friends
I agree, there just isn’t that flame
I love our time together
But it just isn’t the same
As all the times I loved before
And felt that little spark
Whenever I was sitting close
To someone in the dark
Is there really something wrong
With loving you much stronger
Than the way I loved them way back then
If this love lasts so much longer?
The moments when I'm with you
Even more when we are apart
My mind is constantly on you
I love you with all of my heart
          5/24/12

Music Soothes the Soul

I remember the first time I heard it
I thought it was a recording
Just to help us stay on key
My breath caught in my throat
I felt goose bumps on my arm
And a tingle went up my back
When it unexpectedly stopped
I looked around to see who had shut it off
All I could see was the boys
Standing just to my left
All their mouths moving, except one
Just as I turned back to read the next verse
The beautiful sound started up again
I couldn’t believe it
I didn’t know music could sound like this
Or at least not outside the Tabernacle Choir
Or some other group, like Manheim Steamroller
Not here, in small town Idaho
And definitely not from this little group
Of grieving grandchildren
Trying to hold back tears
While sending off their grandmother
With a song
I remember so many other times
I heard that music again
In church, at the holidays, even on long drives
Each time, taking me by surprise
Making me look around in wonder
Thinking it must be coming from Heaven
But finding only a single voice
Singing to my heart and soul
Making me feel enveloped in peace
Longing to always feel this way
So many years passed
With the music gone
Almost forgotten
Then a momentary thought
Brought it back
Still as strong and beautiful
In my memory
Still taking my breath
Giving me goose bumps
And the shiver up my back
          5/24/12

I Will Remember You

I watch them together
The woman near the end of her life
And the girl just 10 years into hers
They share stories about their lives
One remembering every detail of her childhood
While having trouble remembering what she had for breakfast.
The other is so full of stories about "today"
You would think she had already lived 3 lifetimes
The woman asks the girl a question
I can see the confusion and slight frustration
Cross both their faces
One knows she should know the answer
The other has given the answer many times already
("How old are you now?" "Ten")
Today is one of the "bad" ones
Her memory is only minutes long
She looks at the girl, a little sad
"What will we do when I can't remember you?"
The girl walks over to her
Hugs her tight
And with a slight sadness in her voice
Whispers, "I will remember you"
          5/19/12

Loving Acceptance

It was just one ordinary moment
In one ordinary day
During an ordinary week
In the middle of an ordinary month
In the most fantastic year I have had
For a very long time

I look back on it
Think of every detail
The smile, the mischievous look
The way my heart leaped
Making me feel warm, but…
With a shiver down my spine

I remember how in that moment
My heart knew the truth
Before my mind was ready
I was surprised to find
I am not as unfeeling
As I thought I was

I could have died
Gone to Paradise
And I wouldn’t be any happier
Than that one moment in time
When I looked into your eyes
And saw…Acceptance

-16 May 2012-

Cherishing the Fall

I remember that first moment,
Looking into your eyes,
Feeling myself drowning
In the blue ocean I found there
It was like going to a thrift store
And finding something
Worth a million dollars
I was just looking for a casual flirtation
But found myself mesmerized
I think it scared me a little
Thinking of how easily I could fall
I thought I knew my future, and
You weren't the one I pictured
I laugh at myself now,
Thinking about what I gave up
The pain of my choices
Compared to the fear of the unknown
I gambled on the safe path
Left the joy of a beautiful Fall
Only to spend decades in the brittle cold
Of a stormy winter and a muddy spring
I see the changes in myself
The colors brightening
The warmth filling me
Knowing this season may not last
But determined to make the most of it
I won't let the dread of Winter
Keep me from cherishing the Fall
            5/3/12

The Heat of Winter

Hiding & waiting,
Hoping I see him before he sees me.
I love the times I can watch him,
Being himself, with nothing held back.
I remember last night,
Watching him through my window,
Hoping to catch his eye,
My heart beating so fast,
I was sure I would die right there,
Glad the last thing I would see
Was him, now smiling at me,
Whispering, "I love you"
I opened the door and invited him in,
He walked to the doorway,
Sadly shook his head,
Leaned toward me,
Whispered, "Good night",
And walked away.

I see him now,
Twenty-four hours later,
Trying to spot my red coat
Among all the others.
He disappears from my sight,
I take a step forward,
Just as he comes from behind,
Grabs me around the waist,
And makes me scream with delight.
With his mouth on my ear,
He softly whispers,
"Can I keep you?"
While I am thinking,
"Never let me go."
The others surround us,
Telling us to get a room,
But in our hearts
We are already "home".
            4/28/12

The Unbeliever

She stands just outside the door,
Hoping if she waits long enough,
He will turn around and invite her in.
As the door closes behind him,
She holds his image in her mind,
As she slowly walks away
Holding her heart in her throat.
If only she had been more sure;
Been able to trust his love;
Told him he was all she needed.
Instead, she held back just a little,
Always keeping that one piece
Tied up in a corner of her heart.
Just enough to keep her safe
In case he was like the rest.
Now, she almost laughs,
Thinking of how that piece
She held so tightly,
Thinking it would make her safe,
Was now just as bruised and broken
As the rest of her.
She reaches the street,
Takes one more look back,
Before she turns a corner,
And says goodbye.
            4/28/12

Remember...No More

I remember his gaze locked on mine, a little shiver, the urge, scared to move
I also remember a head start, just a tiny one, he might catch me
I remember the day he held a gun to my heart and pulled the trigger

I remember thinking bad things don't happen to good people
I also remember I did nothing wrong, but bad things happened anyway
I remember the day even Christ, who was perfect, suffered, for me and for you

I remember thinking I'll never love another, the way I loved him
I also remember that moment I knew his secret
I remember everything was just a little darker after that

I remember the women we thought would throw themselves in your grave
I also remember saying I would just say goodbye and walk away
I remember feeling like a part of me died, robbed of the last word, forgiveness

I remember the baby food, Cindy Brady, quick kisses by my locker
I also remember karaoke, taramisu, and BALD honesty
I remember letting go while I wanted to scream, "Come back!!!!"

I remember how much it hurt, the worst days of my life
I also remember not wanting to remember; holding pain makes it real
I remember the Light growing brighter, I opened my eyes, and found you
                                               4/15/12

Too Much is Just Enough

I see him moving toward me

Intent on weeding out all the flaws

I am in pain, but trying to do my part

Hoping to keep up to his pace

I'm watching the way he works

So careful not to leave any trace

Of the things preventing new growth

I am doing my best, wanting to keep up

Yet caught up in watching the way

He so humbly does his part

Then does my part too

While I enjoy just being near him

Again he is right beside me

Close enough for me to feel his warmth

And sigh over the way he smells

Trying to think of what to say

To get his attention

Only to lose my chance

Because he has looked outside himself

Giving his attention to the one

God blessed with a child-like innocence

I long to be like that

Seeing the world with no filters

Looking outside myself

He gives me his number

I feel a leap of hope

One phone call leads to more

He shares his deepest thoughts and feelings

While I marvel at his strength

He tells me he has been damaged

While I only see the perfection he is

He is like a memory I didn't even know I had

Until he opened a door to his past

Giving me a feeling of deja vu

Like I knew him and loved him before

Leaving me searching my memory for more

He is so much; more than enough

Making sparks just by being himself

Everytime I hear his voice or see his smile

It washes over and through me like a wave or current

Making me feel so alive

While bringing peace to my turbulent soul

He is more than I could imagine

When I dreamed of the man I desired

I am striving to better myself

Wanting so much to be worthy of him

His light shines forth like a beacon

I feel lucky to bask in it's glow

-19 Feb 2012-

Looking for Light & Knowledge

That feeling is there again
I look around, expecting to see the source
There must be something in the shadows
Waiting to sneak in when I am not looking
To tear apart my heart and leave me hurting
I can't see it, but I feel it all around me and inside me
The dread filling my stomach with a huge stone
The fear of the unknown swirling around in my head
The ache between my shoulder blades
Telling me I have been tense for too long

The silence is overwhelming
Too quiet
Too good to be true
Too peaceful to bring me peace
I am holding my breath
Waiting for the source of my dread to spring up
Like so many other times
I gave the key to my deepest part
Only to have it damaged
Leaving me to barricade myself against any feelings

Maybe this time it is just my imagination
Maybe the nightmares from my past are now only in the past
Maybe it is quiet because God has something to tell me
Maybe it is so true that it really is good
Maybe the peaceful feeling comes from the knowledge
That I am finally doing what I want
Being who I want
Showing my true self to the world
Loving life and sending love out to those around me
Expecting nothing and getting so much more than that

Can it really be that simple?
All I have to do is be still & let God's whispers be heard
The words of encouragement
Being drowned out by my endless questions
Why? When? How?
Always expecting the worst
When I already had the best right in front of me
And I was looking behind me
At something that was already gone
I just didn't realize it in time

I know I am ready to listen
I know whatever my future holds
Is determined by my ability to let go and let God
I may feel confused and lost
But God is beside me, and he knows where I am going
All I need to do is be like a child
Turning to him, reaching for his hand
Letting him lead me to wherever I need to be
Throwing away the candle I have been using
To be guided by the Everlasting Light

18 Feb 2012

In Grief Shall We Find Joy

I had a dream once…
I was on a beach, and the sand was just warm enough to dispel the cold wind.
I was walking on the edge, an occasional wave covering the tops of my feet
I was watching a child, keeping him in sight at all times
I didn’t recognize the child, but I knew I was responsible for him.
I turned to watch a father building a castle with his daughter,
Feeling contented with the knowledge that he loved her.
When I turned to look for the little boy, he was gone.
I ran, frantically looking all around me, afraid he was gone forever.
Then just as I was ready to collapse on the sand in despair
I saw his head, barely visible above a vendor’s shack.
I ran to him, gathering him in my arms, so happy to have found him.
Suddenly I realized he was made of sand, & was slipping through my fingers.
I tried desperately to squeeze my fingers together
Hoping to hold on to even a few grains of him, but knowing he was lost.
I stood there and cried, feeling so guilty that I had not done my job.
As my vision became blurred by my tears, I saw a man
Walking along, picking up a handful of sand here and there
As if there were only certain shades and textures he was seeking.
I followed him, trying to figure out what he was doing
Asking what he was planning to create.
He answered me with a smile, holding out a handful of sand
I saw what he held, and dropped to my knees in gratitude
For in his hand was the one who was lost, shaped and molded with my tears.

Looking Forward to Goodbye

I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in again.
We laugh alot and share our dreams
Always at a slight distance
Close enough, but never quite touching
I meet him over and over through his blog
Seeing pictures in my mind of who he is
Who he was, who he is going to be
Learning his secrets
By unraveling past, present, and future
In little bite-sized morsels
Every day brings another discovery
Another reason for me to rush to his door
I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in
I love him, love my time with him
Love every moment in his presence
Then the time comes to say goodbye
I slowly make my way to the door
Just as I am feeling
I am leaving my heart behind
Thinking of too many hours in between
He moves closer, we hug, and...
Well... I look forward to goodbye

A Still Heart

I saw forever in your eyes
While we lived for here and now
I knew it wouldn’t be forever
Then I forgot it all somehow
I gave my heart and soul to you
No one else could come between
You were my one and only
The best man I’ve ever seen
Each day I let you closer
As you moved farther away
No matter the distance between us
I knew it would work out okay
Just when I started to think
My dream would somehow come true
I got the news, one day late
I lost my last chance with you
1-22-07

Still Gone

I’ll be okay, eventually
I just need time; just a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
Remembering you, missing you, still loving you
Mere moments in time that will last forever
Miles away or separated by death
You are always here in my heart
I sleep restlessly, seeing you in my dreams
I can see you, feel you, hear your voice
My mind doesn’t remember you are gone
I am fooled into thinking you are really here
Daylight brings a lack of sleep
The loss of you
True darkness once again
I’ll be okay, eventually
I just need time; a few minutes a day
For the rest of my life
1-20-07

Just To Be Together

I passed by the archery range today, just like a hundred times before.
I found myself thinking of all the times you were there,
And I was somewhere else because I didn’t want to be there.
Now I would give anything to go back, turn into that driveway, and walk the course with you.
I thought of the one time I did; how very few women were there.
How it seemed like a “husband’s escape” from everything, including his wife or girlfriend,
How you wanted me there, walking with you, holding hands,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I saw an ad about YMCA.
They take a day trip to Lagoon, once a year, for forty dollars.
I thought of our “2nd honeymoon”.
You know, the one I insisted we share with family and friends,
Because at that point I was so deep inside myself I didn’t think you’d care.
How I spent the entire trip trying to make everyone as miserable as me.
Forty dollars is so little money to turn back time
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I think of the best birthday I ever had (and I am serious)
Standing in a forest in the middle of Kilgore, measuring logs and stacking them.
Getting dirty, dropping things on my feet, crouching behind a tree.
Hoping no one finds me before I could cover my behind.
Hardly able to keep my eyes open all the way home, every muscle aching for days.
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Every day at work, I look at the picture of my “Angel Dad”, Gene
And I know how much you helped me just by being there,
Despite all the hurts, all the depression, all the dwelling on your past,
You loved me, and I knew how very much I love you too
I saw my “Manti Dwight” and I stayed in Twin, prolonging the return to reality
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
I hear people talking about hunting or fishing and I think about how much I used to look forward to it.
We would go to Kilgore, and while you walked around, smelling like elk urine,
I sat in your grandpa’s house, getting to know your extended family.
You would come through the door, and I didn’t care what you looked or smelled like.
I would spend days, doing “nothing”
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
Then your grandpa died. The house was so empty.
The reminders of our loss were all over the back roads, fishing holes, and wood gathering places.
I couldn’t stand to witness the taking of other lives, even that of an animal.
Yet, I went back over and over, forced myself to sit in that house,
Missing your grandpa and everyone else I had lost,
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I was judging you every day against the “perfect Manti Dwight”
Or the “evil” child molester, instead of taking one day at a time
When I would scream at you for a neat little white package sitting in our freezer
And accuse you of not caring; not understanding my pain
I still loved seeing you walk through the door, knowing you were finally home
JUST TO BE TOGETHER
When I left, you were always calling or coming over to see us
Using every manipulation you could think of, and I moved farther and farther inside myself.
Hurting, rejecting, and banning you out of my life until you were looking outside yourself
Starting a new life; your heart leaving mine, while I was thinking of all the ways I loved…
JUST BEING TOGETHER
-May 1998-

The Way it Should Be

Some people find satisfaction in a sexual encounter
Always measuring their worth by their rating in bed
I can't deny that it's satisfying to lie next to a man
And feel the electricity of knowing he wants you
As much as you want him
I want to play the game first; start at the home plate
Getting to know each other without the worries of commitment
Then move to a new place
Where the brush of a hand or a look from him
Sets you on fire
Eventually, as time goes by, love should come into the picture
Making seperations become painful; like ripping yourself in half
Then you want to share everything
Every inch of skin becomes an adventure as you explore each other
Creating an endless bond
A one-night stand can't give you
What completely fulfilled love can give you
Sex is so much more sexy
When you can trust completely
Without fear of rejection

6/6/92

Still In My Heart

Just when I thought
I could live without you
I felt your eyes
Looking at me from behind the shades
I feel the same excited shiver
I try to catch your eye
But like so many times before
All I see is the flutter of movement
The smell of you surrounds me
I dance with it
Wanting to hold you
Settling for an invisible reminder
Always searching for you
In everything wonderful

In the early morning hours
Before reality invades my dreams
I feel your skin next to mine
Your warmth passes through me
Like an electric current
That flies in every direction
Then I open my eyes
To an empty room
To an empty heart
To empty arms
Yet, even at that moment
When I realize it's a dream
My eyes and mind decieve
You are still there...in my heart

-6/6/92-

Never Again

Gone from my heart
Not from my dreams
Every day I push you farther away
Trying to forget our past
Then at night I let my guard down
And you creep back in
Invading the space in my dreams
Where I want others
My sleep is my own
You have no right to it
You make me miserable all day
Then you enter the only escape I have
There you are so kind
You become the man I fell in love with
I start trusting you again
I long for your embrace
Then I open my eyes
To a world
Where you are no longer
The man I fell in love with

-5/17/92-

(For the Love of a) Mouse Called Capone

Why, when I thought I was over you
Do you come back to haunt my heart
I used to dream of you loving me
In my dreams, you had the main part
Then suddenly my dreams came true
And I was in your arms
You became the god I worshipped
And could do me no harm
So many times you held me
And I thought it would never end
Then the dreams turned into a nightmare
And you were calling me just a friend
I was told you were getting married
To someone twice your age
Instead of nights full of dreams
My mind became a blank page
Now you have come back to town
More tempting than before
That's why when you came today
I closed my eyes and walked out the door.

Forbidden Love

Our kind of love is special
Just friends in love with friends
We don't love like two lovers
Our kind of love never ends
Lovers have fantasy feelings
Subject to constant change
Our kind of love is special
And comes in a whole different range
Our kind of love is different
Our love's for who we each are
It will go on forever
Whether we're near or far
Our kind of love is special
No one else knows what it's like
We don't have to show our love to feel it

Perfectly Puzzling

I often wonder how I got to "here"

Each time I reach a turning point

I look back at the choices I made,

The bad ones, the good ones,

The ones that seemed to just be fate.

I used to think love was all about attraction

Or at least shared interests.

Those things are good to have

But they aren't even close to the kind of love

I have been searching for my entire life

I want to find that person or persons

Who just "fits"

It is so satisfying when you do a jigsaw puzzle

Placing each piece until you can see the picture forming

Each piece made to fit in a certain place

Fitting perfectly together

Only now do I see the difference between

A puzzle and a relationship

I started as a perfectly shaped piece

A piece that is now shaped completely different

All the good, the bad, and fate

Wearing down the curves and corners

Until I didn't fit anywhere

I am like that piece you find

Way back behind the shelves

When you are moving things around

You take out all the puzzles

Looking for the one lacking

Only to find it must have been one

You threw away because it was incomplete

Inexplicably, you hang on to the piece

Just in case...

That is how I got here

At the right place

At the right time

With the other forgotten pieces

So many worn out parts

Not fitting anywhere

Yet somehow, someway

Fitting next to each other perfectly