Never Again

Gone from my heart
Not from my dreams
Every day I push you farther away
Trying to forget our past
Then at night I let my guard down
And you creep back in
Invading the space in my dreams
Where I want others
My sleep is my own
You have no right to it
You make me miserable all day
Then you enter the only escape I have
There you are so kind
You become the man I fell in love with
I start trusting you again
I long for your embrace
Then I open my eyes
To a world
Where you are no longer
The man I fell in love with

-5/17/92-

(For the Love of a) Mouse Called Capone

Why, when I thought I was over you
Do you come back to haunt my heart
I used to dream of you loving me
In my dreams, you had the main part
Then suddenly my dreams came true
And I was in your arms
You became the god I worshipped
And could do me no harm
So many times you held me
And I thought it would never end
Then the dreams turned into a nightmare
And you were calling me just a friend
I was told you were getting married
To someone twice your age
Instead of nights full of dreams
My mind became a blank page
Now you have come back to town
More tempting than before
That's why when you came today
I closed my eyes and walked out the door.

Forbidden Love

Our kind of love is special
Just friends in love with friends
We don't love like two lovers
Our kind of love never ends
Lovers have fantasy feelings
Subject to constant change
Our kind of love is special
And comes in a whole different range
Our kind of love is different
Our love's for who we each are
It will go on forever
Whether we're near or far
Our kind of love is special
No one else knows what it's like
We don't have to show our love to feel it

Perfectly Puzzling

I often wonder how I got to "here"

Each time I reach a turning point

I look back at the choices I made,

The bad ones, the good ones,

The ones that seemed to just be fate.

I used to think love was all about attraction

Or at least shared interests.

Those things are good to have

But they aren't even close to the kind of love

I have been searching for my entire life

I want to find that person or persons

Who just "fits"

It is so satisfying when you do a jigsaw puzzle

Placing each piece until you can see the picture forming

Each piece made to fit in a certain place

Fitting perfectly together

Only now do I see the difference between

A puzzle and a relationship

I started as a perfectly shaped piece

A piece that is now shaped completely different

All the good, the bad, and fate

Wearing down the curves and corners

Until I didn't fit anywhere

I am like that piece you find

Way back behind the shelves

When you are moving things around

You take out all the puzzles

Looking for the one lacking

Only to find it must have been one

You threw away because it was incomplete

Inexplicably, you hang on to the piece

Just in case...

That is how I got here

At the right place

At the right time

With the other forgotten pieces

So many worn out parts

Not fitting anywhere

Yet somehow, someway

Fitting next to each other perfectly

Secret Fear

Secrets etched deep in the soul, tattooed on the surface of my heart and soul
Hidden for years, even from myself
The fear locked away, waiting to escape
Just one misspoken word or one careless action unlocks the door
The fear and helplessness overwhelm me
He is miles away, yet here in this room
Waiting, watching, plotting
I feel the heat of his rage
I hear the uneven breathing
He is out of control
There is nowhere left to run
The safest haven, the strongest arms, cannot protect me from a memory

A child cries in the night
A trusted friend betrays
The pain sends her to a safer place, away from her body, away from him
Her soul cries out for help but no one comes
She is all alone and so very small
Her young mind believes the words while her body recognizes the lies
He is in control now, every move pre-planned
She will someday get away, but she will never escape
He will always be there
Waiting, watching, plotting
The safest haven, the strongest arms, cannot protect her from a memory

Three lives forever connected, tied by secrets and fear

4/28/2005

Comfort Food

Groping in the darkness
I seek the light of the fridge
Looking, hoping, half believing
I will find that missing substance
Turning from the cold
I search the deep confines of the cupboards
Still coming up empty
Nowhere in this house or even on this earth
Can I find the magic food
That will satisfy the hunger
Left in my soul
When Suz left this world

-25 Feb 2005-

Kiss, But Never Tell

Why can't you hear me?
I am silently calling your name.
My eyes are pleading with you.
Why can't you see the pain?
What happened to our talks in the moonlight?
I shared my every thought and felt your understanding.
Did I imagine the bond between us?
Or was it more like a spider's web?
Strong, yet fragile.
Maybe someone hated our web;
Decided to break a few strands and destroy my world.
Do you know who did it?

I found someone I could love
In a way you and I couldn't share.
Can't I love you without being in love?
I do love you.
More than anyone will ever know.
I'm not in love with you.
Maybe things would have been easier if we WERE in love.
But how can you love one, and be in love with another?
How could we spend our whole life devoted to unmarried love?
You were all I could ask for.
We shared every part of each other,
Except the one thing we couldn't share.
Why must two people get close,
Then be torn apart by blood?
We had so much in common.
Maybe too much.
Now I call your name
But you don't listen.
My eyes plead with you
But you can't see my pain.
Where are you?