Here I am again
After so many years
I heard your voice on the phone
And my eyes filled up with tears
I thought you'd forgotten
The nights we had talked
The kisses we shared
And the paths we had walked
You speak as if things
Are just as they were
But how can that be true?
You still belong to her
She isn't my enemy
But how can we be friends?
Your life with her began
Before ours found an end
As you sat across the table
My eyes searched for the past
The silence that we shared
Made my hopes leave fast
Was I the only one
Who thought it was forever?
You act as if you knew
We'd fail at our endeavor
What about the night
We walked around the square?
The Christmas lights were bright
You gently stroked my hair
We drove around for hours
You held my hand so tight
And when we got back home
We shared a kiss good night
Then one day I called you up
To say I'd met a man
You thought I loved him more
He offered wedding bands
I wanted you to tell me
That you wouldn't let me go
Instead you just hung up
And my friend became a foe
I guess I should forget the past
And move on by myself
My thoughts of you and me
I'll store upon a shelf
Someday I'll feel better
Your voice won't cause me pain
But while I write this poem
My tears, they fall like rain
12-13-91
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Tara, Misu & Their Just Desserts (Ch. 3)
Tara closed her journal and laughed at herself. “I can’t believe I really thought the world was going to end that year,” she thought to herself. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have been glad he chose Jess over me. He is on his fifth wife, and the rumors are that he already has the next one picked out. One good thing came from that relationship though. If I hadn’t been so upset about Roland, I never would have gotten so close to Anne.”
At the thought of her friend, Tara moved to the phone to see how she was doing. There had been so many setbacks, and she really hoped this time her friend was going to be able to continue forward with no more road blocks.
“Hello, Anne,” Tara said as soon as the phone was picked up, but the male voice that answered back was definitely not Anne’s.
He said, “I’m sorry, Anne is having therapy. May I ask who is calling?”
“Oh, this is Tara Feltz. I am a friend of Anne’s. How long will she be gone?”
The man on the other end drew a deep breath, and Tara was afraid he had bad news for her, but instead he said something that threw her into the past once again.
“Tara? Tara Gilbert? Is this the same Tara I met here in Salt Lake years ago?”
He paused to let her answer, but before she could ask who he was, he went on.
“You probably don’t remember me. We only actually spent a few days together, but I still remember you. Every time I see the Christmas lights on Temple Square I think of you. You broke my heart. You probably never knew that, did you.”
At the thought of her friend, Tara moved to the phone to see how she was doing. There had been so many setbacks, and she really hoped this time her friend was going to be able to continue forward with no more road blocks.
“Hello, Anne,” Tara said as soon as the phone was picked up, but the male voice that answered back was definitely not Anne’s.
He said, “I’m sorry, Anne is having therapy. May I ask who is calling?”
“Oh, this is Tara Feltz. I am a friend of Anne’s. How long will she be gone?”
The man on the other end drew a deep breath, and Tara was afraid he had bad news for her, but instead he said something that threw her into the past once again.
“Tara? Tara Gilbert? Is this the same Tara I met here in Salt Lake years ago?”
He paused to let her answer, but before she could ask who he was, he went on.
“You probably don’t remember me. We only actually spent a few days together, but I still remember you. Every time I see the Christmas lights on Temple Square I think of you. You broke my heart. You probably never knew that, did you.”
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tara, Misu & Their Just Desserts (Ch. 2)
Tara and Roland were loudly discussing the fact that he wasn’t attending her birthday celebration that night. Tara suspected that he had plans with Jess again, but she knew in her heart that it was her fault he had started seeing Jess in the first place.
When Roland decided to move in with his aunt instead of staying in Arizona with his dad, Tara was elated. She was falling in love with him, and having him in the house next door for the whole school year seemed to be a dream come true for her. She was just a year away from graduation, and couldn’t wait to get married and get out of “Mormonville”.
Then two days before school started, Tara’s friend Jaycee told her there was a rumor going around that Tara and Roland were making out after the Back to School dance. Tara was so embarrassed she took Roland aside that night and told him she loved him, but she wanted to keep their love a secret. They had a big fight, and Roland told her he was going to find someone who would be proud to be seen with him. He told her he still loved her and probably always would, but until she was willing to admit they were “together”, he could only be her friend.
Now, he was telling her he had to do something for his aunt, and wouldn’t be able to come to her party. As Tara burst into tears and slammed her locker, Roland walked away and bumped into Everett, the guy who had the locker next to her.
“What’s wrong with him?” Everett asked, as he rubbed the offended shoulder.
“Did you guys have a lover’s spat or something?”
Tara just hid her face in her hands and tried to ignore the comment, but she couldn’t help but wonder how many other people had figured out how she really felt.
Later, Everett and his girlfriend spotted Tara in the lunchroom. Everett walked over to apologize and find out if she was okay. Anne asked what was going on, and Tara ended up telling her everything from the time she met Roland in Arizona to the latest heartbreaking moment. Anne seemed to understand better than anyone else had, and by the time the bell rang for fifth hour, Tara was feeling much better.
.....................................................................................
Tara’s sister was calling her name. Tara could barely hear her, but she knew she was just outside the closet. She tried to hide behind Beth’s prom dress just as she opened the door.
“What are you doing in here?” Beth asked, as she helped Tara stand up. “ I have
been looking all over town for you!”
Tara swiped the back of her hand across her running nose and cried, “I thought I would be okay, but it just hurt so bad to see Roland walk into my birthday party with Jess. I just couldn’t stay there pretending to be having a good time.”
Beth stood there in shock for a moment, staring at Tara like she was crazy. “It was your party! Why didn’t you just tell them to leave?” Then, when she realized it was just making her sister cry harder, she just said, “All your friends were wondering where you went.”
“Beth, I don’t really have any friends here. All my friends are still in The Basin. I’m sure none of them really noticed I was missing until it was time to eat the cake.”
Beth knew it was probably pointless to try to get Tara to go back to the party, but she didn’t want Roland to get away with hurting her sister again.
“Maybe you should talk to Mom about the problems you are having with Roland and she could talk to his aunt. They have been friends for a long time, and if she knew how much he is hurting you, I’m sure she would make him move back to his dad’s.”
Tara stopped crying immediately and screamed, “NO! Don’t say anything to Mom! It would be worse if he wasn’t here at all. At least he still talks to me sometimes, and Jess will be so busy with drill team and the school play this year that she won’t have as much time to spend with him. Maybe I still have a chance to get him back.”
“Why would you want him back? He is a jerk! Can’t you see that? If he really cared about you, he would have come to the party alone or not at all.”
Beth and Tara had this conversation, or one like it at least every other day, and the result was always the same, but she still tried to convince Tara she was better off without Roland.
“I never understood what you saw in him from the very beginning. Have you noticed how he wears that Depeche Mode tee under everything?” Beth asked, as she crinkled up her nose in disgust. “I don’t think it has been washed since he bought it two years ago.”
Beth went on even though Tara was heading for the bathroom and closing the door behind her. “Besides, he wants to be a mechanic, for heavens sake! Do you want to be a mechanic’s wife? At least Al joined the Army. If you had stayed with him, you could be living in Colorado right now. Or at least after you graduate.”
“You know why I broke up with Al,” Tara sobbed through the door. “It wasn’t fair for him to go off to another country or something and have to be faithful to me for a year or more. Especially after I went to Arizona last year and met Roland.”
Tara opened the door a crack so she could tell Beth face to face, “When I came back, Al thought something had happened between us, and he just kept begging me to admit it.”
She looked Beth in the eye and said “Honestly Beth, I didn’t even think about dating Roland until I went back this year. I would never cheat on Al. He has always been so devoted to me.”
Then she looked at the floor and said, ”In fact, he was a little too devoted sometimes. No matter what I did or said, he acted like I was perfect. It was hard to live up to his image of me.”
“Now you are acting the same way with Roland,” Beth said. “You act like he is perfect, no matter what he does or says to you. He isn’t good enough for you.”
With that parting shot, she turned to go, then said, “I have to get back to the party and tell everyone you are okay. Anne is out in the living room. She wanted to come with me to look for you. Should I tell her to come back here, or do you want to have a few moments alone before you see her?”
Tara looked confused. “Anne? Why was Everett’s girlfriend with you? I hardly know her.”
“She was working at the health food store in the mall and heard us talking next door while we were getting our nails done. When she got off work, she came to the park to give you a birthday card. She got there just as you were leaving,” Beth explained. “I thought you were just running to the store for more pop or something, so I invited her to come with me to find you. I didn’t know you were across the street, hiding in the closet. In fact, I think she is late for a date with Everett, because she asked to use the phone to tell someone that she would meet them at the movie if she found you in time. Do you want to talk to her or not?”
“Yeah, send her back.” Tara said, as she splashed her face with water. “I’m just so embarrassed, though. I hardly know her, and she is running around, missing dates and everything because I am such a baby.” Then she started crying all over again, and closed the bathroom door.
Beth had heard enough. “Knock it off, Tara! I would be upset if Ryan did that to me, and he doesn’t even know I like him. Just forget about Roland, and start looking around you. There are hundreds of good looking, nice, guys in this area. You don’t need him.”
.....................................................................................
“Tara? Are you in there? It’s Anne. Beth said you were in the bathroom washing up. When you get out, I will be in the living room. We can talk, or if you would rather not talk about it, you could come to the movies with my sister, her friend, and me. We probably missed the previews, but if we hurry, we can still make the main feature.”
.....................................................................................
“Wow! I didn’t think I would like the movie,” Tara said with a smile, “but this one was almost believable. I think I will tell Beth to go see it. She has always been more into science fiction than I have. Thanks for taking me tonight, Anne. It really took my mind off of him.”
Anne smiled, relieved, and said, “I have to drop Jan and her friend off at home. Do you want me to drop you off first, or do you want to go to Bogart’s for a soda and have a talk?”
At the mention of home, Tara seemed to deflate. “I really don’t want to go home yet. I am afraid of running into Roland and Jess or something. My parents think I am staying at the park until midnight,so we have about an hour to hang out.”
She looked at Anne warily and asked, “Are you sure you want to hear all my problems?”
“I didn’t say anything about listening to problems,” Anne joked, as she pulled into her driveway to drop off her twin sister, “but I am willing to be a shoulder to cry on and try to help you find something to take your mind off that guy.”
Anne leaned out her window and said, “Tell Mom I will be back a little after twelve, K?”
“Okay,” Jan replied. Then going around to the passenger side, she opened Tara’s door and said, “Tara, I hope everything works out for you.”
“Thanks, Jan,” she replied, wiping a tear away. “I really had fun tonight. See you at school tomorrow.”
.....................................................................................
“Anne, I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I want to give up on Roland yet. I think he really cares about me,” Tara was saying, more to convince herself, than Anne. “He is just mad because I wanted to keep our relationship a secret. Maybe if I just show him I’m not afraid of what people think he will come back to me.”
Anne smiled at her, and spoke like an older sister might, “Okay, first thing, I want to tell you I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Everett. He makes me feel so good about myself, and I want to be with him forever.” Then she talked like some character in the Godfather, and joked, “I do know that if he showed up to my birthday party with some other girl even years after we broke up, he would not be walking back out. Know what I mean?”
Tara laughed and said, “Remind me not to ever become your enemy, K? I would hate to find out what you do to enemies, if you could do that to your boyfriend.”
“That’s what I am trying to say, Tara. Love and hate are so close together, and if only one of you is really trying to make things work, love can turn to resentment, then to hate. Wouldn’t it be better to end things as friends now, instead of enemies later?”
“I don’t really know,” admitted Tara. “ What if he is the one I am supposed to spend eternity with, and I put a road block in the way by being afraid to admit we are a couple? What if God really wants us to be together, and I just need to let Roland back in my life? I don’t want to give up on him and find out in heaven that I was alone my whole life because I didn’t stick it out with my eternal mate.”
Anne laughed, then got serious. “Tara, do you really think God is sitting up there playing ‘Love Connection’ with our lives or something?”
She reached out to grab Tara’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Do you really think he is only going to allow you to love one person in your entire life? If that was true, why do we even have the rule about waiting until we are sixteen to date? We would just get paired up at birth and as soon as our bodies could create children, we would start a family and everyone would live happily ever after. There would be no divorce, no real dating, no choice.”
Then she moved to the other side of the booth to put her arm around Tara. “That’s what it really comes down to, Tar’. God sent us here to learn, grow, and make mistakes. He wants us to make choices. How could we do that if there was no choice?”
Tara began to tear up. “I just haven’t ever felt the same way about anyone else. Roland was the first guy I even thought about marrying. I even put his last initial on my senior class ring because I was so sure we would end up together.”
There were still tears in her eyes, but she laughed and said, “I guess if things don’t work out with Roland, I better marry someone else with the last initial ‘M’, huh?”
Anne laughed even harder. “At least it wasn’t a tattoo.”
Not noticing the way Tara unconsciously rubbed her lower back at the mention of tattoos, she put her arm back around Tara. “Seriously, Tara I’m not saying you guys won’t ever get back together. I just think you need to take a step back and see him more clearly. I think you let him get away with being a jerk because you blame yourself for the breakup, but even if you were wrong to want things to be a secret, he doesn’t have to treat you badly. He could date other people without shoving it down your throat.
She paused to take a breath, and took a bite of her pizza.
“Everett says he makes out with Jess right in front of your locker, then pretends he didn’t know you were coming,” she said between sips of soda, “like you don’t go to your locker after every class. He is being deliberately hurtful to you, and that doesn’t sound like someone you need to be spending eternity with. Maybe he will grow up someday and become someone who deserves you, but right now he is acting like a spoiled child.”
With that, she went to throw away her garbage and returned to the table.
Tara was near tears again. “You just don’t know him like I do. He has had a really hard life, and I know it hurt him when I basically rejected him. His mom left when he was two years old and hasn’t even tried to contact him since. His dad has tried to be a good father figure and mother figure, but he really has a hard time trusting women. After two summers, he was just starting to trust me, and what do I do? I broke his heart! I deserve what he has done to me! I have hurt him worse than he could ever hurt me.”
While Tara went to dry her tears, Anne went to pay the check and call her parents to tell them she was probably going to be late.
.....................................................................................
“Mom, I’m sorry to wake you. I am okay and hope to be home soon, but one of my friends is really having a hard time right now, and I think I better stay with her until I know she is okay.”
“Why don’t you bring her home with you? I would feel a lot better if I knew you weren’t out driving around after midnight.”
“I will see what she says, but I don’t know if she would be comfortable there. Dad seems to have a strange effect on all my classmates. They think they have to be perfect around him just because he is a Stake President.”
Mrs. Parkinson rolled her eyes, but said, “Okay, let me know where you will be if you don’t end up coming home tonight. Either way, I want you to be settled somewhere before too long.”
Anne smiled to herself and couldn’t help teasing her mother. “I know Mom. The Cinderella Rule. If I’m not in by midnight, I will turn into a pumpkin or something, right?”
Her mother sighed and began to explain, “Anne, I just . . . ”
“ I’m just teasing you,” Anne laughed. “I know you are just looking out for me. Love ya.”
.....................................................................................
Tara ended up staying with Anne over the weekend, and after seeing how her parents treated each other, she began to see why Anne believed in love. They seemed to be totally in love with each other. Even when they were disagreeing about the name of an old film star, they did it with respect for each other’s feelings. When Tara mentioned it to Anne, she laughed.
“I can never play my parents against each other the way my friends do,” she complained. “I can’t ever say ‘Dad said I could go if you say it is okay’ because my dad would have gone straight to my mom before giving me an answer. I hate it!”
Tara was surprised, and a little jealous. “At least you have two parents who care where you are. When I called my mom the other night, she was working overtime again and didn’t even know I was missing.” Then she hung her head to say, “My father just said to ‘do whatever I want’ and hung up.”
Anne once again put her arm around her friend. “I’m sorry Tara. I guess I am really lucky to have parents who care.”
Tara smiled and returned the hug. “I have decided one thing, though. I have to tell Roland how I really feel. I want to have a marriage like your parents have.”
“It hasn’t always been like this, Tara,” Anne explained. “They used to fight a lot before my brother died three years ago. They went to grief counseling and resolved other things while they were there.”
Anne lowered her voice so her parents wouldn’t hear her. “My dad used to be a real workaholic, and my mom pretty much raised us by herself.”
Then as she gathered the blankets Tara had used she went on, “Love isn’t a guarantee of happiness. Sometimes the more you love someone, the more they can hurt you. Things are working for my parents because they both wanted to stay together.”
She took Tara’s hand, “ What if Roland doesn’t want to stay together? What will you do then?”
Tara hung her head, and almost in a whisper she said, “Crawl in a hole and wait to die, I guess. I can’t imagine life without him.”
When Roland decided to move in with his aunt instead of staying in Arizona with his dad, Tara was elated. She was falling in love with him, and having him in the house next door for the whole school year seemed to be a dream come true for her. She was just a year away from graduation, and couldn’t wait to get married and get out of “Mormonville”.
Then two days before school started, Tara’s friend Jaycee told her there was a rumor going around that Tara and Roland were making out after the Back to School dance. Tara was so embarrassed she took Roland aside that night and told him she loved him, but she wanted to keep their love a secret. They had a big fight, and Roland told her he was going to find someone who would be proud to be seen with him. He told her he still loved her and probably always would, but until she was willing to admit they were “together”, he could only be her friend.
Now, he was telling her he had to do something for his aunt, and wouldn’t be able to come to her party. As Tara burst into tears and slammed her locker, Roland walked away and bumped into Everett, the guy who had the locker next to her.
“What’s wrong with him?” Everett asked, as he rubbed the offended shoulder.
“Did you guys have a lover’s spat or something?”
Tara just hid her face in her hands and tried to ignore the comment, but she couldn’t help but wonder how many other people had figured out how she really felt.
Later, Everett and his girlfriend spotted Tara in the lunchroom. Everett walked over to apologize and find out if she was okay. Anne asked what was going on, and Tara ended up telling her everything from the time she met Roland in Arizona to the latest heartbreaking moment. Anne seemed to understand better than anyone else had, and by the time the bell rang for fifth hour, Tara was feeling much better.
.....................................................................................
Tara’s sister was calling her name. Tara could barely hear her, but she knew she was just outside the closet. She tried to hide behind Beth’s prom dress just as she opened the door.
“What are you doing in here?” Beth asked, as she helped Tara stand up. “ I have
been looking all over town for you!”
Tara swiped the back of her hand across her running nose and cried, “I thought I would be okay, but it just hurt so bad to see Roland walk into my birthday party with Jess. I just couldn’t stay there pretending to be having a good time.”
Beth stood there in shock for a moment, staring at Tara like she was crazy. “It was your party! Why didn’t you just tell them to leave?” Then, when she realized it was just making her sister cry harder, she just said, “All your friends were wondering where you went.”
“Beth, I don’t really have any friends here. All my friends are still in The Basin. I’m sure none of them really noticed I was missing until it was time to eat the cake.”
Beth knew it was probably pointless to try to get Tara to go back to the party, but she didn’t want Roland to get away with hurting her sister again.
“Maybe you should talk to Mom about the problems you are having with Roland and she could talk to his aunt. They have been friends for a long time, and if she knew how much he is hurting you, I’m sure she would make him move back to his dad’s.”
Tara stopped crying immediately and screamed, “NO! Don’t say anything to Mom! It would be worse if he wasn’t here at all. At least he still talks to me sometimes, and Jess will be so busy with drill team and the school play this year that she won’t have as much time to spend with him. Maybe I still have a chance to get him back.”
“Why would you want him back? He is a jerk! Can’t you see that? If he really cared about you, he would have come to the party alone or not at all.”
Beth and Tara had this conversation, or one like it at least every other day, and the result was always the same, but she still tried to convince Tara she was better off without Roland.
“I never understood what you saw in him from the very beginning. Have you noticed how he wears that Depeche Mode tee under everything?” Beth asked, as she crinkled up her nose in disgust. “I don’t think it has been washed since he bought it two years ago.”
Beth went on even though Tara was heading for the bathroom and closing the door behind her. “Besides, he wants to be a mechanic, for heavens sake! Do you want to be a mechanic’s wife? At least Al joined the Army. If you had stayed with him, you could be living in Colorado right now. Or at least after you graduate.”
“You know why I broke up with Al,” Tara sobbed through the door. “It wasn’t fair for him to go off to another country or something and have to be faithful to me for a year or more. Especially after I went to Arizona last year and met Roland.”
Tara opened the door a crack so she could tell Beth face to face, “When I came back, Al thought something had happened between us, and he just kept begging me to admit it.”
She looked Beth in the eye and said “Honestly Beth, I didn’t even think about dating Roland until I went back this year. I would never cheat on Al. He has always been so devoted to me.”
Then she looked at the floor and said, ”In fact, he was a little too devoted sometimes. No matter what I did or said, he acted like I was perfect. It was hard to live up to his image of me.”
“Now you are acting the same way with Roland,” Beth said. “You act like he is perfect, no matter what he does or says to you. He isn’t good enough for you.”
With that parting shot, she turned to go, then said, “I have to get back to the party and tell everyone you are okay. Anne is out in the living room. She wanted to come with me to look for you. Should I tell her to come back here, or do you want to have a few moments alone before you see her?”
Tara looked confused. “Anne? Why was Everett’s girlfriend with you? I hardly know her.”
“She was working at the health food store in the mall and heard us talking next door while we were getting our nails done. When she got off work, she came to the park to give you a birthday card. She got there just as you were leaving,” Beth explained. “I thought you were just running to the store for more pop or something, so I invited her to come with me to find you. I didn’t know you were across the street, hiding in the closet. In fact, I think she is late for a date with Everett, because she asked to use the phone to tell someone that she would meet them at the movie if she found you in time. Do you want to talk to her or not?”
“Yeah, send her back.” Tara said, as she splashed her face with water. “I’m just so embarrassed, though. I hardly know her, and she is running around, missing dates and everything because I am such a baby.” Then she started crying all over again, and closed the bathroom door.
Beth had heard enough. “Knock it off, Tara! I would be upset if Ryan did that to me, and he doesn’t even know I like him. Just forget about Roland, and start looking around you. There are hundreds of good looking, nice, guys in this area. You don’t need him.”
.....................................................................................
“Tara? Are you in there? It’s Anne. Beth said you were in the bathroom washing up. When you get out, I will be in the living room. We can talk, or if you would rather not talk about it, you could come to the movies with my sister, her friend, and me. We probably missed the previews, but if we hurry, we can still make the main feature.”
.....................................................................................
“Wow! I didn’t think I would like the movie,” Tara said with a smile, “but this one was almost believable. I think I will tell Beth to go see it. She has always been more into science fiction than I have. Thanks for taking me tonight, Anne. It really took my mind off of him.”
Anne smiled, relieved, and said, “I have to drop Jan and her friend off at home. Do you want me to drop you off first, or do you want to go to Bogart’s for a soda and have a talk?”
At the mention of home, Tara seemed to deflate. “I really don’t want to go home yet. I am afraid of running into Roland and Jess or something. My parents think I am staying at the park until midnight,so we have about an hour to hang out.”
She looked at Anne warily and asked, “Are you sure you want to hear all my problems?”
“I didn’t say anything about listening to problems,” Anne joked, as she pulled into her driveway to drop off her twin sister, “but I am willing to be a shoulder to cry on and try to help you find something to take your mind off that guy.”
Anne leaned out her window and said, “Tell Mom I will be back a little after twelve, K?”
“Okay,” Jan replied. Then going around to the passenger side, she opened Tara’s door and said, “Tara, I hope everything works out for you.”
“Thanks, Jan,” she replied, wiping a tear away. “I really had fun tonight. See you at school tomorrow.”
.....................................................................................
“Anne, I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I want to give up on Roland yet. I think he really cares about me,” Tara was saying, more to convince herself, than Anne. “He is just mad because I wanted to keep our relationship a secret. Maybe if I just show him I’m not afraid of what people think he will come back to me.”
Anne smiled at her, and spoke like an older sister might, “Okay, first thing, I want to tell you I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Everett. He makes me feel so good about myself, and I want to be with him forever.” Then she talked like some character in the Godfather, and joked, “I do know that if he showed up to my birthday party with some other girl even years after we broke up, he would not be walking back out. Know what I mean?”
Tara laughed and said, “Remind me not to ever become your enemy, K? I would hate to find out what you do to enemies, if you could do that to your boyfriend.”
“That’s what I am trying to say, Tara. Love and hate are so close together, and if only one of you is really trying to make things work, love can turn to resentment, then to hate. Wouldn’t it be better to end things as friends now, instead of enemies later?”
“I don’t really know,” admitted Tara. “ What if he is the one I am supposed to spend eternity with, and I put a road block in the way by being afraid to admit we are a couple? What if God really wants us to be together, and I just need to let Roland back in my life? I don’t want to give up on him and find out in heaven that I was alone my whole life because I didn’t stick it out with my eternal mate.”
Anne laughed, then got serious. “Tara, do you really think God is sitting up there playing ‘Love Connection’ with our lives or something?”
She reached out to grab Tara’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Do you really think he is only going to allow you to love one person in your entire life? If that was true, why do we even have the rule about waiting until we are sixteen to date? We would just get paired up at birth and as soon as our bodies could create children, we would start a family and everyone would live happily ever after. There would be no divorce, no real dating, no choice.”
Then she moved to the other side of the booth to put her arm around Tara. “That’s what it really comes down to, Tar’. God sent us here to learn, grow, and make mistakes. He wants us to make choices. How could we do that if there was no choice?”
Tara began to tear up. “I just haven’t ever felt the same way about anyone else. Roland was the first guy I even thought about marrying. I even put his last initial on my senior class ring because I was so sure we would end up together.”
There were still tears in her eyes, but she laughed and said, “I guess if things don’t work out with Roland, I better marry someone else with the last initial ‘M’, huh?”
Anne laughed even harder. “At least it wasn’t a tattoo.”
Not noticing the way Tara unconsciously rubbed her lower back at the mention of tattoos, she put her arm back around Tara. “Seriously, Tara I’m not saying you guys won’t ever get back together. I just think you need to take a step back and see him more clearly. I think you let him get away with being a jerk because you blame yourself for the breakup, but even if you were wrong to want things to be a secret, he doesn’t have to treat you badly. He could date other people without shoving it down your throat.
She paused to take a breath, and took a bite of her pizza.
“Everett says he makes out with Jess right in front of your locker, then pretends he didn’t know you were coming,” she said between sips of soda, “like you don’t go to your locker after every class. He is being deliberately hurtful to you, and that doesn’t sound like someone you need to be spending eternity with. Maybe he will grow up someday and become someone who deserves you, but right now he is acting like a spoiled child.”
With that, she went to throw away her garbage and returned to the table.
Tara was near tears again. “You just don’t know him like I do. He has had a really hard life, and I know it hurt him when I basically rejected him. His mom left when he was two years old and hasn’t even tried to contact him since. His dad has tried to be a good father figure and mother figure, but he really has a hard time trusting women. After two summers, he was just starting to trust me, and what do I do? I broke his heart! I deserve what he has done to me! I have hurt him worse than he could ever hurt me.”
While Tara went to dry her tears, Anne went to pay the check and call her parents to tell them she was probably going to be late.
.....................................................................................
“Mom, I’m sorry to wake you. I am okay and hope to be home soon, but one of my friends is really having a hard time right now, and I think I better stay with her until I know she is okay.”
“Why don’t you bring her home with you? I would feel a lot better if I knew you weren’t out driving around after midnight.”
“I will see what she says, but I don’t know if she would be comfortable there. Dad seems to have a strange effect on all my classmates. They think they have to be perfect around him just because he is a Stake President.”
Mrs. Parkinson rolled her eyes, but said, “Okay, let me know where you will be if you don’t end up coming home tonight. Either way, I want you to be settled somewhere before too long.”
Anne smiled to herself and couldn’t help teasing her mother. “I know Mom. The Cinderella Rule. If I’m not in by midnight, I will turn into a pumpkin or something, right?”
Her mother sighed and began to explain, “Anne, I just . . . ”
“ I’m just teasing you,” Anne laughed. “I know you are just looking out for me. Love ya.”
.....................................................................................
Tara ended up staying with Anne over the weekend, and after seeing how her parents treated each other, she began to see why Anne believed in love. They seemed to be totally in love with each other. Even when they were disagreeing about the name of an old film star, they did it with respect for each other’s feelings. When Tara mentioned it to Anne, she laughed.
“I can never play my parents against each other the way my friends do,” she complained. “I can’t ever say ‘Dad said I could go if you say it is okay’ because my dad would have gone straight to my mom before giving me an answer. I hate it!”
Tara was surprised, and a little jealous. “At least you have two parents who care where you are. When I called my mom the other night, she was working overtime again and didn’t even know I was missing.” Then she hung her head to say, “My father just said to ‘do whatever I want’ and hung up.”
Anne once again put her arm around her friend. “I’m sorry Tara. I guess I am really lucky to have parents who care.”
Tara smiled and returned the hug. “I have decided one thing, though. I have to tell Roland how I really feel. I want to have a marriage like your parents have.”
“It hasn’t always been like this, Tara,” Anne explained. “They used to fight a lot before my brother died three years ago. They went to grief counseling and resolved other things while they were there.”
Anne lowered her voice so her parents wouldn’t hear her. “My dad used to be a real workaholic, and my mom pretty much raised us by herself.”
Then as she gathered the blankets Tara had used she went on, “Love isn’t a guarantee of happiness. Sometimes the more you love someone, the more they can hurt you. Things are working for my parents because they both wanted to stay together.”
She took Tara’s hand, “ What if Roland doesn’t want to stay together? What will you do then?”
Tara hung her head, and almost in a whisper she said, “Crawl in a hole and wait to die, I guess. I can’t imagine life without him.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Low Music
With the sound of music
He enters the room
Swaggering, bragging, no apologies
He is who he is, like it or not
Sarcastic and bold, mocking the world
Leaving no prisoners, including my heart
Everyone sees him and judges their way
But I alone know he makes life better
Little things done, encouragements said
Something bright in a black world
He has my heart as my friend
1-25-07
He enters the room
Swaggering, bragging, no apologies
He is who he is, like it or not
Sarcastic and bold, mocking the world
Leaving no prisoners, including my heart
Everyone sees him and judges their way
But I alone know he makes life better
Little things done, encouragements said
Something bright in a black world
He has my heart as my friend
1-25-07
Tara, Misu & their Just Desserts (Ch. 1)
Tara walked out of the testing center, and ran to her car to read the results of her CISS (Campbell Interest and Skill Survey) Individual Profile Report. “Finally! I can figure out what direction to take my life,” she thought.
As she closed the car door, and started looking through the papers, her two year old daughter Shalimar woke up, and started crying. Tara glanced in the backseat and asked her son to give the baby her cup.
Patrick said, “Mom, she is soaked through her diaper and pants. We better go home and change her before we go to group.”
“I guess I can wait a few more hours to get on with my life,” thought Tara, as she pulled out of the parking lot and headed down the hill to her apartment.
*************************************************************************************
Just as she was walking out the door, the phone rang and Tara sent Shali down to the car with her brother.
“This is LDS Hospital with a collect call from Anne Misu. Will you accept?”
Tara sighed, and went to the door to let Patrick know they would be missing group that night. She knew it would take several moments for Anne to just say hello. Her high school friend had recently suffered a stroke, and it had been a miracle that she had recovered so quickly. She was now able to walk with a cane, but her speech was still slurred and she had to search for the right words quite often.
*************************************************************************************
As Tara hung up the phone, she rubbed her ear and rolled her head in a circle to relieve the tension of the last three hours. Anne sounded so upbeat on the phone, but after all the problems she had been through, Tara was sure there were some things her friend just kept hidden deep inside.
After brushing her teeth, writing in her journal, and saying her nightly prayers, Tara drifted off to sleep thinking about how much both of their lives had changed over the last twenty years.
As she closed the car door, and started looking through the papers, her two year old daughter Shalimar woke up, and started crying. Tara glanced in the backseat and asked her son to give the baby her cup.
Patrick said, “Mom, she is soaked through her diaper and pants. We better go home and change her before we go to group.”
“I guess I can wait a few more hours to get on with my life,” thought Tara, as she pulled out of the parking lot and headed down the hill to her apartment.
*************************************************************************************
Just as she was walking out the door, the phone rang and Tara sent Shali down to the car with her brother.
“This is LDS Hospital with a collect call from Anne Misu. Will you accept?”
Tara sighed, and went to the door to let Patrick know they would be missing group that night. She knew it would take several moments for Anne to just say hello. Her high school friend had recently suffered a stroke, and it had been a miracle that she had recovered so quickly. She was now able to walk with a cane, but her speech was still slurred and she had to search for the right words quite often.
*************************************************************************************
As Tara hung up the phone, she rubbed her ear and rolled her head in a circle to relieve the tension of the last three hours. Anne sounded so upbeat on the phone, but after all the problems she had been through, Tara was sure there were some things her friend just kept hidden deep inside.
After brushing her teeth, writing in her journal, and saying her nightly prayers, Tara drifted off to sleep thinking about how much both of their lives had changed over the last twenty years.
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