I woke up with the smell of rain making me smile
Rain makes the earth clean and bright and green
It washes away your troubles and cares,
Like a river on the day you were baptized.
Then I started drowning
The mud was pulling me down
I couldn’t breathe and there was nothing to hold onto
Everywhere I looked there was mud, laughing, pulling, taunting
I wonder if that’s how Hell feels
Knowing you can’t go back, you can’t go forward, all it MUD
And you just keep sinking deeper
How can something so cleansing be so hard to move through?
The rain is like my mind
If it blends with clean things it makes them cleaner
But if it’s dirty, you can’t escape
6/9/95
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Painting of Love
I begged , “Paint me a picture of love”, and he said
Love isn’t flowers or “Roses are Red”
With love the painting is never complete
The picture will change with each person you meet
Sometimes it’s a seashore where peace is the theme
Or sometimes a tempest with passionate screams
Other times dark and depressing and sad
Because you have lost something you had
The colors you use will depend on the way
You feel about love that particular day
I smiled and I thanked him for all his advice
Then filled up with hope, I rolled the dice
I let in a love that wasn’t complete
And started a painting no one could beat
-Rebekah B Jackson-
5/05
Love isn’t flowers or “Roses are Red”
With love the painting is never complete
The picture will change with each person you meet
Sometimes it’s a seashore where peace is the theme
Or sometimes a tempest with passionate screams
Other times dark and depressing and sad
Because you have lost something you had
The colors you use will depend on the way
You feel about love that particular day
I smiled and I thanked him for all his advice
Then filled up with hope, I rolled the dice
I let in a love that wasn’t complete
And started a painting no one could beat
-Rebekah B Jackson-
5/05
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tara, Misu & Their Just Desserts (Ch. 7)
“If only one of us had been more honest with Anne back then and told her what Everett was going through, maybe a lot of heartache could have been prevented,” thought Tara. “I am so glad Anne doesn’t blame me for keeping his secret. She understands that not even Everett was really sure how he felt.”
She checked on the baby to make sure she was still asleep, and sat down to look over the CISS test that she had put aside several weeks before. “So what does the Lord have in store for me?” she wondered. “With my luck, the test will say I am supposed to be a scientist or something else I hate. Please, please let it be something I like.” Then as she turned page after page, she started to realize that she had wasted the eight dollars she paid. The only two things that even registered above 50% were “Religious Studies” and “Writing”. “Oh great!” she thought. “I am supposed to support my kids by sending short stories to the Ensign or something? Maybe I should write an article about how the college tricks you into taking these tests.” She laughed, but felt like crying. She had never been sure what she wanted to do with her life, but lately she felt a strong need to find out. She had fought depression most of her life, and nothing had really mattered to her until now. It had been a long time coming, but she thought she was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now she just wanted to have something to do once she got out. Hiding out at home and living on welfare just wasn’t as comfortable as it used to be. She needed to really live life now that she had found one. She knew she still had a long way to go, and she would always have the same past that had put her into the depression in the first place, but she was determined to choose what happened to her as much as possible, and make the best possible choices for herself instead of letting other people choose for her. “I never knew until this moment how much I wanted to move on with my life and accomplish something. Now I am still lost about what I am supposed to do. This really sucks!” she thought, as she put the test results in her filing cabinet with all the personality tests and psych evaluations that she had taken over the years.
Just as she was getting ready to have a full-blown pity party, the phone rang.
“Hello,” she said as cheerfully as she could, while wishing whoever it was on the other line had called some other time. When she recognized Dan’s voice, she really wished she had just let the phone ring. He was saying, “ . . . so I thought if you could drop the kids off, I could take them up to my dad’s with me. He never gets to see them and I would really like to see them too.”
Tara was thinking, “Not a chance! I wouldn’t leave the kids alone with you under any circumstance, especially not at your dad’s,” but she found herself saying, “I guess I can drop them off, but can you bring them home? I have to do some shopping in town in the next couple of hours, so I can drop them off, but once I get home, I really don’t want to go back into town.”
“Forget it! Obviously you are still holding a grudge about my plans to send your friend back to jail. I’m not going to play these games. If you don’t want me to have a relationship with my children, just tell me. Don’t keep coming up with excuses to keep them from me. One of these days you are going to look around and realize your kids are gone, and you are going to wish you had been nicer to me. I have been keeping track of every time you leave them behind so you can go play around in Boise or Salt Lake, and every time you got back later than you said you would, and every time you have refused to let me see my kids, so if you think you are going to look like the good guy when we start fighting for custody, you are wrong.”
Tara tried to cut in and fight back, but he just talked right over her.
“ I have a stable home with two built in babysitters, and my mother has been supporting these kids every month since Shalimar was born. That is more than you can say. You are a single mother living off welfare and my child support, with a history of mental problems. Don’t think for a minute that I won’t bring up your mental instability if I decide to take you to court. What about the fact that you married a child molester? What court is going to like that? Patrick told me that you knew about Glen’s past even before you started to date him. I can’t believe you even let him near our son, much less married the guy. You screwed up, babe! I could be your best friend, but if you want me for an enemy, go right ahead. I know too much about you, and I will do whatever it takes to see my kids. I didn’t want to take them away from you. I just wanted us to be a family and work things out. You got yourself into this mess. Good luck getting out.”
With that, he slammed the phone down, and Tara was left staring at the dead receiver. Then she walked to her desk, and pulled out a tablet to write a letter to Dan. She knew she would never have the guts to send it, because the last thing she wanted to do was make him more mad, but she felt the need to explain herself to him.
“Yeah, Dan. I do have a mental problem. I have fought depression most of my life. But did you ever make things easier for me? Was I supposed to feel better about myself the time you told me you only married me for the sex? How about the day I found out I was pregnant with the son you can’t live without now? You accused me of having an affair, and even suggested I “get rid of him”. I have struggled with not being good enough for anyone or anything my whole life, and one of the people who claimed to love me goes back and forth between sucking up to me and trying to hurt me in every way possible. Do you realize that you just said that all you want is to be a family, and work things out, when a moment before you were saying I didn’t deserve to have my kids, and you were going to take them away? How messed up is that? I am not the only one who is “mental”. I can’t believe you would bring up me not having a job! I do substitute teaching at least once a month. That is one day a month more than you work! You support the kids? You mean your mom supports them. The signature on the checks sure isn’t yours. I know your mom and step dad love the kids, but they certainly don’t want to raise them. I doubt they even know about your plans, because your step dad would probably kick your butt into next week if he knew you were threatening me. He always loved me more, anyway.” She laughed at herself and felt a little foolish for writing that, but she went on. “As far as Glen goes, it is none of your business, but he didn’t molest a child. He was eighteen and he had a fifteen-year-old girlfriend whose parents didn’t like him. They caught the two of them making out in her bedroom one night and filed statutory rape charges. He knew it was wrong to go that far with her in the first place, but I see it as two teenagers whom both knew what they were doing and not something to go to jail over. It messed up his life. He didn’t ever finish high school and has to register as a sex offender over a consensual act. He was never a threat to our son, and I would even trust him with our daughter if I was still married to him. I left him because I was having a hard time being a wife and mother after so many people died that year. He treated me better than you ever did, and he loved Patrick, and wanted to be a father to him, unlike you. Patrick loved him too. He was his daddy when you were too busy running from the law to drop a birthday card in the mail or call him. You deserted your son and didn’t care if he was dead or alive for seven years. You were running from the law to avoid going to jail for breaking into washing machines and cash machines. So yeah, that is one reason I’m not bending over to kiss your butt right now. I am mad that you felt the need to trick me into inviting you to my New Year’s party just so you could have my friend arrested. I am not saying it was okay for him to be hiding out to avoid jail either, but at least his warrant was only for failure to appear. He wasn’t hurting anyone or taking anything from anyone. If you want to blow up at me for not wanting to pick up the kids after you get to take them for the day, there is nothing I can do about that, but I have let you have them every time you have asked unless I honestly had other plans that included them. I would never purposely keep them from you. I can’t believe you would threaten to take them from me. You won’t even take the baby overnight because it would be too much trouble, but you think you want her permanently? I don’t know if you really mean to take them, but I won’t keep my mouth shut about the things you have done and said to me either. I won’t bring your dirty little secrets into a custody battle, but I will tell the judge about the time you threatened my life, and the time you told me to “get rid of” Patrick, and the seven years that you were hiding out in Nevada and didn’t care enough about your son to keep in contact with him. Now you suddenly know how to be a dad? Now you are such a good parent? You don’t want to watch the kids while I “go play in Boise or Salt Lake”? Then don’t take them. I can leave them with my family. They don’t count the seconds that I am late. Speaking of that, I went to Boise so my friend Anne could take her state boards, and I go to Salt Lake to visit her in the hospital while she recovers from her stroke. Talk about a party! I sit in a little room listening to the constant beep of all the machines that are hooked to her, and try to have a conversation with her that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and would do just about anything for her, but it is not fun. I would take the kids with me if I was doing anything they would enjoy, but you really would have a case for bad parenting on my part if I made them go sit in her room with me. I am not going to give in this time. I am not going to apologize or beg you or go out of my way to make you happy anymore. I am just going to do the best I can do, and if some court out there says it isn’t good enough, I guess I will lose my kids, but until then, if you want to see them, you have to meet me halfway. Emotionally and physically. I am not going to let you decide what I am allowed to do or say or feel anymore. You lost that right when we got divorced, but I was still letting you be in charge out of fear of retribution. No more. I am in charge of myself now, and until or unless you take away my rights to the kids, I am in charge of them too, so back off and leave me alone!” Tara read it, first laughing, then crying, then ripping it up and throwing it away. She was still too afraid of him to say any of those things to him yet. She just thanked her Heavenly Father for the beautiful children sleeping in their beds and begged him not to let Dan take them away.
As she was drifting off to sleep that night, she thought about how good it felt to express her feelings on paper, even if she never sent it to Dan. “Maybe I could write a book about divorce . . . a comedy . . . ,” she thought, as sleep overtook her.
.....................................................................................
As she sat in her counselor’s office the following Monday, he was excited about the book idea. “You have nothing to lose, Tara. Even if it never gets published, it would help you to get your ideas and feelings down on paper. You could even fit the Religious Studies in by mentioning you married outside your religion and how that affected the marriage too.”
“At this point, I feel like I married outside my species. I am so mad at him!”, she cried. “After the phone call, and the letter I tore up, I sat down and wrote up a visitation schedule so he could have the kids on a specific day at a specific time. I gave it to him last night, and he just tore it up and told me he should be able to see his kids any time he wants, and “doesn’t have to ask my permission.” I admit I was doing it mostly so he couldn’t tell everyone I was keeping the kids from him, but I could have just gone to court and done it that way. I was trying to give him a chance to make any changes he wanted before we made it legal. Now I feel like he doesn’t even care if he sees them. If he had them, I would do whatever I could to see them.” She burst into tears, and grabbed a tissue to blow her nose.
Her counselor let her calm down a little then asked, “I know that hurts, but doesn’t this make things a little easier? Now the ball is in your court, and you have done your part, so you can do whatever you want now. I suggest you give him some minimal visitation through the courts so he has a chance to show what kind of parent he wants to be. If he shows up, your kids get to have a relationship with their dad. If he doesn’t, you have a legal document to show them you weren’t the one keeping them apart. You are in a good situation now. You have the power. Don’t give it back to him, whatever you do. Do whatever you think is right for your children, and leave his feelings and rights out of it. He is a grownup. He can fight for his own rights.”
Tara knew he was right, but she was still a little scared to “make waves” with Dan. She had learned from experience that you were either his friend or his enemy, and she didn’t want him for an enemy. “Jeff, I wish I had the courage to really tell him all the things I wrote last week,” she told her counselor. “When my babysitter’s son used to terrorize me with knives and guns, threatening my life, I would hide in the closet, listening for him, always waiting for the moment he would find me and kill me. The waiting was the worst part. I finally got the courage . . . no actually it was more like I gave up . . . to just say ‘Go ahead and shoot me if you want, but I am not going to run, and I’m not going to hide anymore. Stop right now, and either leave me alone from now on, or kill me right now, because I am tired of running.’ I was just a child then, and I stood up to him.”
“Did it work? Did he leave you alone?”, Jeff asked, pleased to hear her talk about something she had kept deep inside all this time.
“Not completely, at first,” she replied. “He put down the gun, and walked away, but I had to ‘not run’ a couple of times before he stopped chasing me. He knocked me down on the driveway the first time I didn’t back down, and the second time, he threw a rock at me, but he missed and then just walked away. I still see him sometimes, and he seems to have his temper under control now. I heard a rumor that he went to jail for beating up his sister-in-law over an argument at Thanksgiving dinner, got counseling, got on some medication, and became a whole new person.”
“How did you feel the first time you stood up to him? When he pushed you down, did you wish you had run away?”
Tara was startled by her own response. “Absolutely not! I didn’t regret it then, and looking back now, I think I was almost disappointed that all he did was push me down. I almost wanted him to do something that would justify all the times I ran. When all he could do was push me, I wondered why I had been so afraid of him before. I felt kinda foolish.”
Jeff smiled, making it obvious that he expected her to say exactly that. “So what is the worst Dan could do? Do you think he would really “kill you” by taking your kids or taking away the child support, or would he just throw a few rocks of insults and threats, missing you completely?”
Tara laughed at his way of putting things and said, “I know you want me to say ‘You’re right! I am going to stand up to him today!’, but I am still too afraid.” When Jeff smiled at her in a way that made her feel like she was copping out, she added, “At least I wrote the letter. That took a lot of guts, even if I just tore it up.” When he still didn’t look convinced, she laughed and said, “I did give him the visitation schedule. I was scared, but I did it, and look what happened. He tore it up and got madder.”
“Rocks, just rocks,” he replied with an even bigger smile on his face.
“These rocks hurt,” she said, dropping her head so he wouldn’t see the tears building behind her lashes. She knew he was right, and he was just trying to joke with her, but she could still remember her son crying himself to sleep when Dan would say he was coming to see him, then never showed up. She was hoping she wouldn’t have to explain his broken promises to his daughter, too. When he had rejected the schedule she drew up, she felt like he was rejecting his kids. “I just want the kids to be happy, and I’m not sure fighting with him is what is best for them.”
“You don’t have to fight with him, Tara. Just don’t run or hide anymore. What’s best for your children is for you to be the best you can be, and let Dan be the kind of father he is going to be, even if it means he is a lousy one. Your children deserve the chance to find out for themselves, without you covering for him or making excuses. They deserve a mother who is not afraid of what might happen. I don’t know Dan as well as you do, I know, but he sounds like a hot air balloon to me. Why don’t you just set him free to float away and hope for a strong wind?”
Tara laughed again, and noticing she was already ten minutes past her scheduled time, got up to leave. “I will try to hold my ground next time,” she promised, then turned back to joke, “but only because you are making me.”
Jeff tried to look mad as he shook his finger at her, but she heard him laughing as the door closed behind her.
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When Tara woke up on Sunday morning, she went through the list of reasons she should go to church, but none of them could compete with her need to sleep or her feelings of being an outsider in a family ward. She had gradually gotten more and more inactive since her divorce from Glen, but had stopped completely after Shalimar was born.
.....................................................................................
“I haven’t heard from you in ages, Gills. How is single life working for you?”, Bella teased. “I am so glad I found Tony two years ago. I don’t envy you at all, being on the single scene again. I remember the dances full of rejects who always seemed to smell like they bathed in my father’s cologne.”
Tara laughed at this, and thought of how many times she had left the dances feeling more lonely than when she had arrived.
Bella went on complaining, “I remember how I hated sitting between the perfect family with 10 kids on one side and the newlyweds holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes on the other side of me.”
Again Tara broke in to say, “That is even worse after you have been married and divorced. You just know they are going to go home and have a fight over the fact that he was doing a crossword puzzle on his electronic organizer in Sunday School or she forgot to turn on the crock pot before they left, but in front of the ward, they are all perfect and lovey-dovey. I would curse the decision to take away our singles branch and stick us in the family wards again, then feel guilty about not having the faith to understand it.”
Bella said, “Exactly! I remember sitting in Relief Society, hearing the lessons about the blessings of the Priesthood in the home, or even worse the blessings of children, and I would end up in the bathroom crying my eyes out, or end up going home early. Did you know I even asked them not to send visiting teachers to my home any more because I felt like I was so different from the “real women” in the ward? They all had husbands and kids and knew how to bake bread, keep their house clean, have dinner on the table by six, volunteer on the PTA, research their genealogy, bake a casserole for the new mother in the ward or the sister in the nursing home, while keeping their hair, nails and clothes all looking perfect. I could barely get out of bed some days because there didn’t seem to be anything to get up for.”
Tara’s eyes were filling with tears, and she was thinking, “Finally someone who really understands what it is like to be single and LDS.”
As if Bella could read her mind, she said, “I just read an article by an inactive member in your area called something like ‘Single and LDS: A Sin or a Curse?’. I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember it was a piece that really brought back memories. The author said, ‘Being single and LDS is like being biracial. You aren’t completely black or completely white, so you don’t really fit in anywhere. A single person in a family-oriented religion feels much the same way. The married members of the ward either pity or fear them, and other singles avoid them out of fear of being lumped together. If a married sister with six children is sharing a bench with a single male, most people think nothing of it, but put that same male on the bench next to a single female, and everyone has them married by the end of sacrament meeting'.” Bella stopped to tell one of her triplets to get down off the entertainment center, then went on. “She said, 'Growing up in an LDS family, you are taught to follow a basic plan toward the Celestial Kingdom. First you get blessed, then comes baptism and confirmation. If you are male, you go on to hold the priesthood and strive for the Eagle, and if you are female, you work on your ‘Personal Progress’ and strive to get the coveted Young Womanhood Award. Then the young men go on a mission while the young women start praying for a husband. If she hasn’t found one by the time she is twenty-one, she will go on a mission too, at exactly the moment the men her age are coming off their missions. As each person gets married, and sealed in the temple, they start planning the beginning of their own little cycle with the new generation. After the children are grown, if the couple can still stand to be in the same room with each other, they will go on a mission together'.”
Tara’s thoughts broke in as she thought about the fights her parents used to have when she was a teenager, and how it had taken them a long time to figure out that her father had a chemical imbalance that made him have mood swings. Her mother didn’t know how to cope with his ups and downs, so she had become a workaholic. They were still married after all these years, but their whole life seemed to be centered around their children, and they seemed to have nothing left for each other. For a split second she wondered if all the right steps her parents took were really enough to guarantee a place in heaven, or if there was something they were missing. They were going to church, attending the temple, paying their tithing, and all the other things Tara could think of that is required, but somewhere along the line, her parents seemed to fall out of love.
She came back to reality to hear Bella saying, “ . . . 'if you don’t follow the plan in some way, choosing either not to get married right away, or just not able to find “the right one”, you somehow upset the whole chain of events, falling into some kind of strange alternate universe where you do all the things you have been taught to do, such as paying tithing, attending all your meetings, even attending the temple on a regular basis, but you just aren’t quite “good enough” without the spouse and children. You may even be happy with your life the way it is, taking pleasure in the day to day living and being grateful for the blessings you do have until you sit through a meeting that is all about the role of the Husband, or the joy of Motherhood, and you realize you aren’t supposed to be happy as a single LDS person. You are supposed to want an eternal mate, a houseful of children, and a degree in Child Development from Ricks College'.”
Tara laughed, then got serious. “I can see a lot of myself in that article, and have even had some of the same thoughts, but I think she is a little bit harsh. I mean, I don’t think she would feel that way if she really had a testimony. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some Church leaders who I felt were, shall I say 'not in tune with the spirit', like when Bishop Dunn told me I couldn’t get any help with food because I wouldn’t go to Dan for help first…”
With a sharp intake of breath, Bella exclaimed, “What?! I don‘t think you told me about that one.”
“Remember? It was right after Dan had broken into my house for the umpteenth time, and I had been going without child support from him for over 10 years, and he had threatened to hurt me in some way at least a couple of times, but my bishop wanted me to go ask him if he would give me some money for food. I was kind of confused and upset that he would ask me to do that, and I had a lot of late-night conversations with both God and the devil about that one. I think the Bishop thought that since we were close enough for me to get pregnant with Shalimar, we must be close enough for me to ask for money. I never was totally honest with him about how I really got pregnant with her.”
“Tara, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your position, but even if you had been in love with Dan when Shali was born, I don’t think it is fair for your Bishop to ask you to go to him for help after all he has put you through. It just seems like sending the sheep into the wolves den.”
“Or Daniel into the Lion’s Den”, Tara replied. “I just have to believe that it was a trial of my faith, and not let his actions drive me away. That is what I was trying to say. The person who wrote that article has probably been hurt by some of the same things I have been hurt by. It IS hard to be a single mother in a family-oriented church. Some of the very things that make it hard are the things that make it true. I wouldn’t want to belong to a church that didn’t believe that family is the most important thing, that children should have both parents, and that families exist beyond death. I want that for myself and my children. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to sit between the Molly Mormon families who don’t know how lucky they are. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I am not supposed to be happy as a single person, or that I am committing some kind of sin. It just means that I am not living the life I truly want to live. If I am not happy, it isn’t because the Church is pressuring me to be a certain way, it is because they have given me hope for a better way, and I just haven’t been able to find it yet.
“I haven’t ever really struggled with my testimony, but I sure got mad when I found out what Dom’s bishop did to him”, Bella said. “I am not sure I ever told you about that. I almost told you about it when you called me about that high school friend of yours, but I knew you had enough to worry about at the time, and I didn’t want to scare you.”
Tara asked, “Are you talking about the deprogramming they did?”
“Yes. If that’s what you want to call it. I don’t want to sound critical of the whole idea, Gills. I understand the idea behind it. I believe that we are not meant to have a sexual relationship with anyone outside of marriage, and Dom will never be able to get married to Coop’, so by the standards I live by, they are sinning. I understand that. I am not trying to excuse them or what they do behind closed doors. I just know that they love each other the same way I love Tony, and I know it isn’t something Dom or Cooper chose. I have talked to my Bishop and many other Church leaders about this over the years, and they all have told me that Dom is not sinning by having those feelings. His only sin is acting on them.”
“So, being gay is not a sin?” Tara asked. “When Everett left Anne, he explained that he had always thought he was gay, but his bishop told him if he just got married and had children, he could stop those feelings, and basically live happily ever after. When he couldn’t control those feelings, and Anne got so sick, he felt like it was kind of a punishment from God or something”.
“That’s kinda what I am trying to say about Dom’s Bishop”. Bella went on, “He kept trying to convince Dom that just being attracted to other men was a sin in itself, and that if he would just date women or even get married, he would stop “feeling gay”. He even convinced him to take some kind of hormones or something. Dom kept trying to tell his Bishop that he had prayed about it and didn’t want to drag some girl into his “mess” when he knew without a doubt that he would never be attracted to her. The Bishop finally just disfellowshipped him. Dom hasn’t been back to church since. I don’t really blame him, but I want to see my brother on the other side, and it is hard for me sometimes to understand why God would let this happen to him. I have to believe it will all work out in the end, but there are days when it seems impossible.”
“I know what you mean Bella. Anne and her boys were sealed to Everett, and if we are to believe what we are taught, he has broken that seal by living with his boyfriend, but his boys still love him, and should have the right to be with him in heaven. I am just saying, if he were to stop acting on those feelings. He just thinks, and has been told, that just having those feelings means he is going to hell, so he figures, ‘why not commit the crime if I have to do the time’, as he is fond of saying.”
All their talk about church and testimonies made Tara realize that she was being a hypocrite, so she told Bella goodbye, and rushed to get ready for church.
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Sister Boston, and her daughter Zoe were sitting alone in one of the side benches, so Tara, Patrick, and Shalimar slipped in next to them just as the Priest was kneeling to offer the Sacrament prayer on the bread. Zoe was a couple of years older than Patrick, but they lived in the same apartment complex, so they played together often. It was sometimes hard for Zoe to make friends because she had been in a fire when she was a baby, and been burned over a large part of her body. Not only did she not look like other kids her age, but she walked a little slower, and kind of breathed “funny”. It was as if she was always sucking air through a straw.
When they had first moved into the apartment complex, a petition had gone around, asking that they not be allowed to move in. Tara asked the woman with the petition why she would want to ban an innocent little girl and her mother from the premises, and was told that Zoe’s father had been the one to set the blaze when she was a baby, and he had tried to kill her and her mother several times since, often putting the people around them in danger. She wanted to make sure her family wouldn’t be in the crossfire if he showed up in their neighborhood. Tara had refused to sign, and knowing that 13 of the 30 tenants had signed before the petition got to her, she went out of her way to befriend Clair and her daughter. She wanted to make sure they knew not everyone wanted them gone.
Now, sitting next to Zoe, Tara couldn’t help thinking how beautiful she was. She was scarred, for sure, but she had the most beautiful aqua-blue eyes, and you could just see her soul shining out from within. Her mother had allowed her to get her ears pierced just a few weeks before, and she was wearing little frogs that had CTR dangling from their hands. The dress she wore was long sleeved and she wore thick tights to hide her scars, but she looked like she had just stepped out of the Gap.
As Tara held the sacrament tray for Zoe, she took the bread with her left hand, then took the tray with her left hand to pass it on to her mother. A woman sitting behind them leaned up to whisper in Tara’s ear, “It is more proper to use your right hand when taking the sacrament. You might want to let her know that”.
Tara turned to whisper, “She has no fingers on her right hand, but I will be sure to let her know”. She felt a little bit guilty about how she said it, but it really upset her sometimes how people judged situations without really looking at the reasons behind them. If the lady had just taken the time to really look at Zoe, she would have realized that Zoe only used her left hand because she had to.
Then by the end of Sacrament Meeting, she had another thought, “That woman was looking at Zoe closely enough to notice that she was using her left hand, but didn’t notice the scars. Maybe I should be grateful that the lady only saw a teenage girl using her left hand, and not a badly burned girl who needs pity. Maybe I shouldn‘t be so quick to ‘judge the situation‘ either.”
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Tara had just gotten the baby fed, and put the lunch dishes in the sink, when she realized the light was blinking on her answering machine.
“This is Landon...Umm, I think we have only met once, and you probably don’t even know who I am, but Everett gave me your number…and umm, well I know this is a terrible thing to hear on a machine, but I didn’t want to keep calling if it was the wrong number, cuz he said your last name was Benson, and this machine said I had reached the Feltz family, but I think your last name used to be Feltz, right, so I am pretty sure this is the right number, but if this isn’t Tara, you can disregard this message…BEEP”
Tara was getting a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as the next message started, “Sorry, this is Landon again. Anne had another setback, and they don’t know if she is going to make it this time. Most of the family is already on their way to the hospital, but we were here in Guam, visiting my family, so Everett is trying to get a flight out for him and the boys, and asked me to call you. Samuel was frantic about it. He wouldn’t get in the car until I promised to call you. Please call back as soon as you get this message so I can let Samuel know that we reached you. My parent’s number is 671-093-9653. I am sorry I had to tell you this way….BEEP”
Tara started to tremble as she dialed the numbers. She couldn’t imagine life without Anne in it. They had been through so much together. Anne helped her get over Roland, then she helped Anne get over Everett, then Anne was the one who came in the middle of the night to help Tara move into the Battered Women’s Shelter when she left Dan. She was also there to pick up the pieces when Tara divorced Jake. It had only been a couple of years since Anne’s 2nd husband had died, and Tara was there, first with her belly “out to there” at the funeral, then with newborn Shalimar, to give Anne something to focus on other than how empty her house was. (Everett had gained full custody of the boys because he convinced the court her health was too fragile, and it was unhealthy for the boys to live in that environment)
When Landon answered, she thanked him for calling and told him to let Everett and the boys know she hoped to be at the hospital by the next morning. Then she started calling around, trying to find anyone who could watch Patrick, and possibly Shalimar, so she could go say goodbye to her friend. Her first call was to Dan. She always dreaded asking him, but if she didn’t give him the first chance to have the kids, he accused her of keeping the kids from him, so she tried to calm her nerves, and dialed.
“She will probably be dead by the time you get there anyway! I can’t believe you are wasting the gas to go clear down to Salt Lake, and expecting me to watch the kids for you! My mom doesn’t pay child support just so you can go traipsing around the country whenever you feel like it! Besides, what am I supposed to do if Patrick has homework? Or what if the baby runs out of diapers? Are you going to bring the whole package? Cuz I am not going to go out and buy more. Plus, my mom shouldn’t have to feed them while they are here. She already paid for my share of their support, so you will need to bring food for them while they are here. That is IF I decide to let them stay. I will let you know in the morning.”
Tara got off the phone and just burst into tears. Patrick came rushing over to see what was wrong, but she just told him she was upset because Anne was really sick, and she might be dying. She didn’t want to tell him what his father said. She calmed down enough to call the hospital, but the only information they would give her was that Anne was in the ICU and that she was stable. She called her sister B.C. as a back up babysitter, sat on the couch, and almost immediately fell asleep.
She checked on the baby to make sure she was still asleep, and sat down to look over the CISS test that she had put aside several weeks before. “So what does the Lord have in store for me?” she wondered. “With my luck, the test will say I am supposed to be a scientist or something else I hate. Please, please let it be something I like.” Then as she turned page after page, she started to realize that she had wasted the eight dollars she paid. The only two things that even registered above 50% were “Religious Studies” and “Writing”. “Oh great!” she thought. “I am supposed to support my kids by sending short stories to the Ensign or something? Maybe I should write an article about how the college tricks you into taking these tests.” She laughed, but felt like crying. She had never been sure what she wanted to do with her life, but lately she felt a strong need to find out. She had fought depression most of her life, and nothing had really mattered to her until now. It had been a long time coming, but she thought she was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now she just wanted to have something to do once she got out. Hiding out at home and living on welfare just wasn’t as comfortable as it used to be. She needed to really live life now that she had found one. She knew she still had a long way to go, and she would always have the same past that had put her into the depression in the first place, but she was determined to choose what happened to her as much as possible, and make the best possible choices for herself instead of letting other people choose for her. “I never knew until this moment how much I wanted to move on with my life and accomplish something. Now I am still lost about what I am supposed to do. This really sucks!” she thought, as she put the test results in her filing cabinet with all the personality tests and psych evaluations that she had taken over the years.
Just as she was getting ready to have a full-blown pity party, the phone rang.
“Hello,” she said as cheerfully as she could, while wishing whoever it was on the other line had called some other time. When she recognized Dan’s voice, she really wished she had just let the phone ring. He was saying, “ . . . so I thought if you could drop the kids off, I could take them up to my dad’s with me. He never gets to see them and I would really like to see them too.”
Tara was thinking, “Not a chance! I wouldn’t leave the kids alone with you under any circumstance, especially not at your dad’s,” but she found herself saying, “I guess I can drop them off, but can you bring them home? I have to do some shopping in town in the next couple of hours, so I can drop them off, but once I get home, I really don’t want to go back into town.”
“Forget it! Obviously you are still holding a grudge about my plans to send your friend back to jail. I’m not going to play these games. If you don’t want me to have a relationship with my children, just tell me. Don’t keep coming up with excuses to keep them from me. One of these days you are going to look around and realize your kids are gone, and you are going to wish you had been nicer to me. I have been keeping track of every time you leave them behind so you can go play around in Boise or Salt Lake, and every time you got back later than you said you would, and every time you have refused to let me see my kids, so if you think you are going to look like the good guy when we start fighting for custody, you are wrong.”
Tara tried to cut in and fight back, but he just talked right over her.
“ I have a stable home with two built in babysitters, and my mother has been supporting these kids every month since Shalimar was born. That is more than you can say. You are a single mother living off welfare and my child support, with a history of mental problems. Don’t think for a minute that I won’t bring up your mental instability if I decide to take you to court. What about the fact that you married a child molester? What court is going to like that? Patrick told me that you knew about Glen’s past even before you started to date him. I can’t believe you even let him near our son, much less married the guy. You screwed up, babe! I could be your best friend, but if you want me for an enemy, go right ahead. I know too much about you, and I will do whatever it takes to see my kids. I didn’t want to take them away from you. I just wanted us to be a family and work things out. You got yourself into this mess. Good luck getting out.”
With that, he slammed the phone down, and Tara was left staring at the dead receiver. Then she walked to her desk, and pulled out a tablet to write a letter to Dan. She knew she would never have the guts to send it, because the last thing she wanted to do was make him more mad, but she felt the need to explain herself to him.
“Yeah, Dan. I do have a mental problem. I have fought depression most of my life. But did you ever make things easier for me? Was I supposed to feel better about myself the time you told me you only married me for the sex? How about the day I found out I was pregnant with the son you can’t live without now? You accused me of having an affair, and even suggested I “get rid of him”. I have struggled with not being good enough for anyone or anything my whole life, and one of the people who claimed to love me goes back and forth between sucking up to me and trying to hurt me in every way possible. Do you realize that you just said that all you want is to be a family, and work things out, when a moment before you were saying I didn’t deserve to have my kids, and you were going to take them away? How messed up is that? I am not the only one who is “mental”. I can’t believe you would bring up me not having a job! I do substitute teaching at least once a month. That is one day a month more than you work! You support the kids? You mean your mom supports them. The signature on the checks sure isn’t yours. I know your mom and step dad love the kids, but they certainly don’t want to raise them. I doubt they even know about your plans, because your step dad would probably kick your butt into next week if he knew you were threatening me. He always loved me more, anyway.” She laughed at herself and felt a little foolish for writing that, but she went on. “As far as Glen goes, it is none of your business, but he didn’t molest a child. He was eighteen and he had a fifteen-year-old girlfriend whose parents didn’t like him. They caught the two of them making out in her bedroom one night and filed statutory rape charges. He knew it was wrong to go that far with her in the first place, but I see it as two teenagers whom both knew what they were doing and not something to go to jail over. It messed up his life. He didn’t ever finish high school and has to register as a sex offender over a consensual act. He was never a threat to our son, and I would even trust him with our daughter if I was still married to him. I left him because I was having a hard time being a wife and mother after so many people died that year. He treated me better than you ever did, and he loved Patrick, and wanted to be a father to him, unlike you. Patrick loved him too. He was his daddy when you were too busy running from the law to drop a birthday card in the mail or call him. You deserted your son and didn’t care if he was dead or alive for seven years. You were running from the law to avoid going to jail for breaking into washing machines and cash machines. So yeah, that is one reason I’m not bending over to kiss your butt right now. I am mad that you felt the need to trick me into inviting you to my New Year’s party just so you could have my friend arrested. I am not saying it was okay for him to be hiding out to avoid jail either, but at least his warrant was only for failure to appear. He wasn’t hurting anyone or taking anything from anyone. If you want to blow up at me for not wanting to pick up the kids after you get to take them for the day, there is nothing I can do about that, but I have let you have them every time you have asked unless I honestly had other plans that included them. I would never purposely keep them from you. I can’t believe you would threaten to take them from me. You won’t even take the baby overnight because it would be too much trouble, but you think you want her permanently? I don’t know if you really mean to take them, but I won’t keep my mouth shut about the things you have done and said to me either. I won’t bring your dirty little secrets into a custody battle, but I will tell the judge about the time you threatened my life, and the time you told me to “get rid of” Patrick, and the seven years that you were hiding out in Nevada and didn’t care enough about your son to keep in contact with him. Now you suddenly know how to be a dad? Now you are such a good parent? You don’t want to watch the kids while I “go play in Boise or Salt Lake”? Then don’t take them. I can leave them with my family. They don’t count the seconds that I am late. Speaking of that, I went to Boise so my friend Anne could take her state boards, and I go to Salt Lake to visit her in the hospital while she recovers from her stroke. Talk about a party! I sit in a little room listening to the constant beep of all the machines that are hooked to her, and try to have a conversation with her that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and would do just about anything for her, but it is not fun. I would take the kids with me if I was doing anything they would enjoy, but you really would have a case for bad parenting on my part if I made them go sit in her room with me. I am not going to give in this time. I am not going to apologize or beg you or go out of my way to make you happy anymore. I am just going to do the best I can do, and if some court out there says it isn’t good enough, I guess I will lose my kids, but until then, if you want to see them, you have to meet me halfway. Emotionally and physically. I am not going to let you decide what I am allowed to do or say or feel anymore. You lost that right when we got divorced, but I was still letting you be in charge out of fear of retribution. No more. I am in charge of myself now, and until or unless you take away my rights to the kids, I am in charge of them too, so back off and leave me alone!” Tara read it, first laughing, then crying, then ripping it up and throwing it away. She was still too afraid of him to say any of those things to him yet. She just thanked her Heavenly Father for the beautiful children sleeping in their beds and begged him not to let Dan take them away.
As she was drifting off to sleep that night, she thought about how good it felt to express her feelings on paper, even if she never sent it to Dan. “Maybe I could write a book about divorce . . . a comedy . . . ,” she thought, as sleep overtook her.
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As she sat in her counselor’s office the following Monday, he was excited about the book idea. “You have nothing to lose, Tara. Even if it never gets published, it would help you to get your ideas and feelings down on paper. You could even fit the Religious Studies in by mentioning you married outside your religion and how that affected the marriage too.”
“At this point, I feel like I married outside my species. I am so mad at him!”, she cried. “After the phone call, and the letter I tore up, I sat down and wrote up a visitation schedule so he could have the kids on a specific day at a specific time. I gave it to him last night, and he just tore it up and told me he should be able to see his kids any time he wants, and “doesn’t have to ask my permission.” I admit I was doing it mostly so he couldn’t tell everyone I was keeping the kids from him, but I could have just gone to court and done it that way. I was trying to give him a chance to make any changes he wanted before we made it legal. Now I feel like he doesn’t even care if he sees them. If he had them, I would do whatever I could to see them.” She burst into tears, and grabbed a tissue to blow her nose.
Her counselor let her calm down a little then asked, “I know that hurts, but doesn’t this make things a little easier? Now the ball is in your court, and you have done your part, so you can do whatever you want now. I suggest you give him some minimal visitation through the courts so he has a chance to show what kind of parent he wants to be. If he shows up, your kids get to have a relationship with their dad. If he doesn’t, you have a legal document to show them you weren’t the one keeping them apart. You are in a good situation now. You have the power. Don’t give it back to him, whatever you do. Do whatever you think is right for your children, and leave his feelings and rights out of it. He is a grownup. He can fight for his own rights.”
Tara knew he was right, but she was still a little scared to “make waves” with Dan. She had learned from experience that you were either his friend or his enemy, and she didn’t want him for an enemy. “Jeff, I wish I had the courage to really tell him all the things I wrote last week,” she told her counselor. “When my babysitter’s son used to terrorize me with knives and guns, threatening my life, I would hide in the closet, listening for him, always waiting for the moment he would find me and kill me. The waiting was the worst part. I finally got the courage . . . no actually it was more like I gave up . . . to just say ‘Go ahead and shoot me if you want, but I am not going to run, and I’m not going to hide anymore. Stop right now, and either leave me alone from now on, or kill me right now, because I am tired of running.’ I was just a child then, and I stood up to him.”
“Did it work? Did he leave you alone?”, Jeff asked, pleased to hear her talk about something she had kept deep inside all this time.
“Not completely, at first,” she replied. “He put down the gun, and walked away, but I had to ‘not run’ a couple of times before he stopped chasing me. He knocked me down on the driveway the first time I didn’t back down, and the second time, he threw a rock at me, but he missed and then just walked away. I still see him sometimes, and he seems to have his temper under control now. I heard a rumor that he went to jail for beating up his sister-in-law over an argument at Thanksgiving dinner, got counseling, got on some medication, and became a whole new person.”
“How did you feel the first time you stood up to him? When he pushed you down, did you wish you had run away?”
Tara was startled by her own response. “Absolutely not! I didn’t regret it then, and looking back now, I think I was almost disappointed that all he did was push me down. I almost wanted him to do something that would justify all the times I ran. When all he could do was push me, I wondered why I had been so afraid of him before. I felt kinda foolish.”
Jeff smiled, making it obvious that he expected her to say exactly that. “So what is the worst Dan could do? Do you think he would really “kill you” by taking your kids or taking away the child support, or would he just throw a few rocks of insults and threats, missing you completely?”
Tara laughed at his way of putting things and said, “I know you want me to say ‘You’re right! I am going to stand up to him today!’, but I am still too afraid.” When Jeff smiled at her in a way that made her feel like she was copping out, she added, “At least I wrote the letter. That took a lot of guts, even if I just tore it up.” When he still didn’t look convinced, she laughed and said, “I did give him the visitation schedule. I was scared, but I did it, and look what happened. He tore it up and got madder.”
“Rocks, just rocks,” he replied with an even bigger smile on his face.
“These rocks hurt,” she said, dropping her head so he wouldn’t see the tears building behind her lashes. She knew he was right, and he was just trying to joke with her, but she could still remember her son crying himself to sleep when Dan would say he was coming to see him, then never showed up. She was hoping she wouldn’t have to explain his broken promises to his daughter, too. When he had rejected the schedule she drew up, she felt like he was rejecting his kids. “I just want the kids to be happy, and I’m not sure fighting with him is what is best for them.”
“You don’t have to fight with him, Tara. Just don’t run or hide anymore. What’s best for your children is for you to be the best you can be, and let Dan be the kind of father he is going to be, even if it means he is a lousy one. Your children deserve the chance to find out for themselves, without you covering for him or making excuses. They deserve a mother who is not afraid of what might happen. I don’t know Dan as well as you do, I know, but he sounds like a hot air balloon to me. Why don’t you just set him free to float away and hope for a strong wind?”
Tara laughed again, and noticing she was already ten minutes past her scheduled time, got up to leave. “I will try to hold my ground next time,” she promised, then turned back to joke, “but only because you are making me.”
Jeff tried to look mad as he shook his finger at her, but she heard him laughing as the door closed behind her.
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When Tara woke up on Sunday morning, she went through the list of reasons she should go to church, but none of them could compete with her need to sleep or her feelings of being an outsider in a family ward. She had gradually gotten more and more inactive since her divorce from Glen, but had stopped completely after Shalimar was born.
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“I haven’t heard from you in ages, Gills. How is single life working for you?”, Bella teased. “I am so glad I found Tony two years ago. I don’t envy you at all, being on the single scene again. I remember the dances full of rejects who always seemed to smell like they bathed in my father’s cologne.”
Tara laughed at this, and thought of how many times she had left the dances feeling more lonely than when she had arrived.
Bella went on complaining, “I remember how I hated sitting between the perfect family with 10 kids on one side and the newlyweds holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes on the other side of me.”
Again Tara broke in to say, “That is even worse after you have been married and divorced. You just know they are going to go home and have a fight over the fact that he was doing a crossword puzzle on his electronic organizer in Sunday School or she forgot to turn on the crock pot before they left, but in front of the ward, they are all perfect and lovey-dovey. I would curse the decision to take away our singles branch and stick us in the family wards again, then feel guilty about not having the faith to understand it.”
Bella said, “Exactly! I remember sitting in Relief Society, hearing the lessons about the blessings of the Priesthood in the home, or even worse the blessings of children, and I would end up in the bathroom crying my eyes out, or end up going home early. Did you know I even asked them not to send visiting teachers to my home any more because I felt like I was so different from the “real women” in the ward? They all had husbands and kids and knew how to bake bread, keep their house clean, have dinner on the table by six, volunteer on the PTA, research their genealogy, bake a casserole for the new mother in the ward or the sister in the nursing home, while keeping their hair, nails and clothes all looking perfect. I could barely get out of bed some days because there didn’t seem to be anything to get up for.”
Tara’s eyes were filling with tears, and she was thinking, “Finally someone who really understands what it is like to be single and LDS.”
As if Bella could read her mind, she said, “I just read an article by an inactive member in your area called something like ‘Single and LDS: A Sin or a Curse?’. I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember it was a piece that really brought back memories. The author said, ‘Being single and LDS is like being biracial. You aren’t completely black or completely white, so you don’t really fit in anywhere. A single person in a family-oriented religion feels much the same way. The married members of the ward either pity or fear them, and other singles avoid them out of fear of being lumped together. If a married sister with six children is sharing a bench with a single male, most people think nothing of it, but put that same male on the bench next to a single female, and everyone has them married by the end of sacrament meeting'.” Bella stopped to tell one of her triplets to get down off the entertainment center, then went on. “She said, 'Growing up in an LDS family, you are taught to follow a basic plan toward the Celestial Kingdom. First you get blessed, then comes baptism and confirmation. If you are male, you go on to hold the priesthood and strive for the Eagle, and if you are female, you work on your ‘Personal Progress’ and strive to get the coveted Young Womanhood Award. Then the young men go on a mission while the young women start praying for a husband. If she hasn’t found one by the time she is twenty-one, she will go on a mission too, at exactly the moment the men her age are coming off their missions. As each person gets married, and sealed in the temple, they start planning the beginning of their own little cycle with the new generation. After the children are grown, if the couple can still stand to be in the same room with each other, they will go on a mission together'.”
Tara’s thoughts broke in as she thought about the fights her parents used to have when she was a teenager, and how it had taken them a long time to figure out that her father had a chemical imbalance that made him have mood swings. Her mother didn’t know how to cope with his ups and downs, so she had become a workaholic. They were still married after all these years, but their whole life seemed to be centered around their children, and they seemed to have nothing left for each other. For a split second she wondered if all the right steps her parents took were really enough to guarantee a place in heaven, or if there was something they were missing. They were going to church, attending the temple, paying their tithing, and all the other things Tara could think of that is required, but somewhere along the line, her parents seemed to fall out of love.
She came back to reality to hear Bella saying, “ . . . 'if you don’t follow the plan in some way, choosing either not to get married right away, or just not able to find “the right one”, you somehow upset the whole chain of events, falling into some kind of strange alternate universe where you do all the things you have been taught to do, such as paying tithing, attending all your meetings, even attending the temple on a regular basis, but you just aren’t quite “good enough” without the spouse and children. You may even be happy with your life the way it is, taking pleasure in the day to day living and being grateful for the blessings you do have until you sit through a meeting that is all about the role of the Husband, or the joy of Motherhood, and you realize you aren’t supposed to be happy as a single LDS person. You are supposed to want an eternal mate, a houseful of children, and a degree in Child Development from Ricks College'.”
Tara laughed, then got serious. “I can see a lot of myself in that article, and have even had some of the same thoughts, but I think she is a little bit harsh. I mean, I don’t think she would feel that way if she really had a testimony. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some Church leaders who I felt were, shall I say 'not in tune with the spirit', like when Bishop Dunn told me I couldn’t get any help with food because I wouldn’t go to Dan for help first…”
With a sharp intake of breath, Bella exclaimed, “What?! I don‘t think you told me about that one.”
“Remember? It was right after Dan had broken into my house for the umpteenth time, and I had been going without child support from him for over 10 years, and he had threatened to hurt me in some way at least a couple of times, but my bishop wanted me to go ask him if he would give me some money for food. I was kind of confused and upset that he would ask me to do that, and I had a lot of late-night conversations with both God and the devil about that one. I think the Bishop thought that since we were close enough for me to get pregnant with Shalimar, we must be close enough for me to ask for money. I never was totally honest with him about how I really got pregnant with her.”
“Tara, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your position, but even if you had been in love with Dan when Shali was born, I don’t think it is fair for your Bishop to ask you to go to him for help after all he has put you through. It just seems like sending the sheep into the wolves den.”
“Or Daniel into the Lion’s Den”, Tara replied. “I just have to believe that it was a trial of my faith, and not let his actions drive me away. That is what I was trying to say. The person who wrote that article has probably been hurt by some of the same things I have been hurt by. It IS hard to be a single mother in a family-oriented church. Some of the very things that make it hard are the things that make it true. I wouldn’t want to belong to a church that didn’t believe that family is the most important thing, that children should have both parents, and that families exist beyond death. I want that for myself and my children. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to sit between the Molly Mormon families who don’t know how lucky they are. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I am not supposed to be happy as a single person, or that I am committing some kind of sin. It just means that I am not living the life I truly want to live. If I am not happy, it isn’t because the Church is pressuring me to be a certain way, it is because they have given me hope for a better way, and I just haven’t been able to find it yet.
“I haven’t ever really struggled with my testimony, but I sure got mad when I found out what Dom’s bishop did to him”, Bella said. “I am not sure I ever told you about that. I almost told you about it when you called me about that high school friend of yours, but I knew you had enough to worry about at the time, and I didn’t want to scare you.”
Tara asked, “Are you talking about the deprogramming they did?”
“Yes. If that’s what you want to call it. I don’t want to sound critical of the whole idea, Gills. I understand the idea behind it. I believe that we are not meant to have a sexual relationship with anyone outside of marriage, and Dom will never be able to get married to Coop’, so by the standards I live by, they are sinning. I understand that. I am not trying to excuse them or what they do behind closed doors. I just know that they love each other the same way I love Tony, and I know it isn’t something Dom or Cooper chose. I have talked to my Bishop and many other Church leaders about this over the years, and they all have told me that Dom is not sinning by having those feelings. His only sin is acting on them.”
“So, being gay is not a sin?” Tara asked. “When Everett left Anne, he explained that he had always thought he was gay, but his bishop told him if he just got married and had children, he could stop those feelings, and basically live happily ever after. When he couldn’t control those feelings, and Anne got so sick, he felt like it was kind of a punishment from God or something”.
“That’s kinda what I am trying to say about Dom’s Bishop”. Bella went on, “He kept trying to convince Dom that just being attracted to other men was a sin in itself, and that if he would just date women or even get married, he would stop “feeling gay”. He even convinced him to take some kind of hormones or something. Dom kept trying to tell his Bishop that he had prayed about it and didn’t want to drag some girl into his “mess” when he knew without a doubt that he would never be attracted to her. The Bishop finally just disfellowshipped him. Dom hasn’t been back to church since. I don’t really blame him, but I want to see my brother on the other side, and it is hard for me sometimes to understand why God would let this happen to him. I have to believe it will all work out in the end, but there are days when it seems impossible.”
“I know what you mean Bella. Anne and her boys were sealed to Everett, and if we are to believe what we are taught, he has broken that seal by living with his boyfriend, but his boys still love him, and should have the right to be with him in heaven. I am just saying, if he were to stop acting on those feelings. He just thinks, and has been told, that just having those feelings means he is going to hell, so he figures, ‘why not commit the crime if I have to do the time’, as he is fond of saying.”
All their talk about church and testimonies made Tara realize that she was being a hypocrite, so she told Bella goodbye, and rushed to get ready for church.
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Sister Boston, and her daughter Zoe were sitting alone in one of the side benches, so Tara, Patrick, and Shalimar slipped in next to them just as the Priest was kneeling to offer the Sacrament prayer on the bread. Zoe was a couple of years older than Patrick, but they lived in the same apartment complex, so they played together often. It was sometimes hard for Zoe to make friends because she had been in a fire when she was a baby, and been burned over a large part of her body. Not only did she not look like other kids her age, but she walked a little slower, and kind of breathed “funny”. It was as if she was always sucking air through a straw.
When they had first moved into the apartment complex, a petition had gone around, asking that they not be allowed to move in. Tara asked the woman with the petition why she would want to ban an innocent little girl and her mother from the premises, and was told that Zoe’s father had been the one to set the blaze when she was a baby, and he had tried to kill her and her mother several times since, often putting the people around them in danger. She wanted to make sure her family wouldn’t be in the crossfire if he showed up in their neighborhood. Tara had refused to sign, and knowing that 13 of the 30 tenants had signed before the petition got to her, she went out of her way to befriend Clair and her daughter. She wanted to make sure they knew not everyone wanted them gone.
Now, sitting next to Zoe, Tara couldn’t help thinking how beautiful she was. She was scarred, for sure, but she had the most beautiful aqua-blue eyes, and you could just see her soul shining out from within. Her mother had allowed her to get her ears pierced just a few weeks before, and she was wearing little frogs that had CTR dangling from their hands. The dress she wore was long sleeved and she wore thick tights to hide her scars, but she looked like she had just stepped out of the Gap.
As Tara held the sacrament tray for Zoe, she took the bread with her left hand, then took the tray with her left hand to pass it on to her mother. A woman sitting behind them leaned up to whisper in Tara’s ear, “It is more proper to use your right hand when taking the sacrament. You might want to let her know that”.
Tara turned to whisper, “She has no fingers on her right hand, but I will be sure to let her know”. She felt a little bit guilty about how she said it, but it really upset her sometimes how people judged situations without really looking at the reasons behind them. If the lady had just taken the time to really look at Zoe, she would have realized that Zoe only used her left hand because she had to.
Then by the end of Sacrament Meeting, she had another thought, “That woman was looking at Zoe closely enough to notice that she was using her left hand, but didn’t notice the scars. Maybe I should be grateful that the lady only saw a teenage girl using her left hand, and not a badly burned girl who needs pity. Maybe I shouldn‘t be so quick to ‘judge the situation‘ either.”
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Tara had just gotten the baby fed, and put the lunch dishes in the sink, when she realized the light was blinking on her answering machine.
“This is Landon...Umm, I think we have only met once, and you probably don’t even know who I am, but Everett gave me your number…and umm, well I know this is a terrible thing to hear on a machine, but I didn’t want to keep calling if it was the wrong number, cuz he said your last name was Benson, and this machine said I had reached the Feltz family, but I think your last name used to be Feltz, right, so I am pretty sure this is the right number, but if this isn’t Tara, you can disregard this message…BEEP”
Tara was getting a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as the next message started, “Sorry, this is Landon again. Anne had another setback, and they don’t know if she is going to make it this time. Most of the family is already on their way to the hospital, but we were here in Guam, visiting my family, so Everett is trying to get a flight out for him and the boys, and asked me to call you. Samuel was frantic about it. He wouldn’t get in the car until I promised to call you. Please call back as soon as you get this message so I can let Samuel know that we reached you. My parent’s number is 671-093-9653. I am sorry I had to tell you this way….BEEP”
Tara started to tremble as she dialed the numbers. She couldn’t imagine life without Anne in it. They had been through so much together. Anne helped her get over Roland, then she helped Anne get over Everett, then Anne was the one who came in the middle of the night to help Tara move into the Battered Women’s Shelter when she left Dan. She was also there to pick up the pieces when Tara divorced Jake. It had only been a couple of years since Anne’s 2nd husband had died, and Tara was there, first with her belly “out to there” at the funeral, then with newborn Shalimar, to give Anne something to focus on other than how empty her house was. (Everett had gained full custody of the boys because he convinced the court her health was too fragile, and it was unhealthy for the boys to live in that environment)
When Landon answered, she thanked him for calling and told him to let Everett and the boys know she hoped to be at the hospital by the next morning. Then she started calling around, trying to find anyone who could watch Patrick, and possibly Shalimar, so she could go say goodbye to her friend. Her first call was to Dan. She always dreaded asking him, but if she didn’t give him the first chance to have the kids, he accused her of keeping the kids from him, so she tried to calm her nerves, and dialed.
“She will probably be dead by the time you get there anyway! I can’t believe you are wasting the gas to go clear down to Salt Lake, and expecting me to watch the kids for you! My mom doesn’t pay child support just so you can go traipsing around the country whenever you feel like it! Besides, what am I supposed to do if Patrick has homework? Or what if the baby runs out of diapers? Are you going to bring the whole package? Cuz I am not going to go out and buy more. Plus, my mom shouldn’t have to feed them while they are here. She already paid for my share of their support, so you will need to bring food for them while they are here. That is IF I decide to let them stay. I will let you know in the morning.”
Tara got off the phone and just burst into tears. Patrick came rushing over to see what was wrong, but she just told him she was upset because Anne was really sick, and she might be dying. She didn’t want to tell him what his father said. She calmed down enough to call the hospital, but the only information they would give her was that Anne was in the ICU and that she was stable. She called her sister B.C. as a back up babysitter, sat on the couch, and almost immediately fell asleep.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tara, Misu & Their Just Desserts (Ch. 6)
Everett approached her as she was leaving her locker. He was wearing a new, multicolored sweater vest, and his penny loafers had the same three colors on them. She thought to herself that he had a lot of style sense. He reminded her of her friend Dominick Dean. He always had a new pair of shoes and matched perfectly, too. She smiled at him as he asked, “How were your holidays? You went to Salt Lake with Anne didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I had a lot of fun with her family,” she said, thinking of Allen. “Once I got home, it wasn’t so great, though. My mom and dad are fighting like cats and dogs lately, and it got so bad this morning that the word ‘divorce’ actually came up.”
Everett put his arm around her, and asked if she wanted to go sit on the bench down the hall and talk. “I have something I want to talk to you about, too.”
Tara went around the corner to tell Beth she was going to stay at school for a little while longer, then joined Everett on the bench.
“So what’s up?” she asked.
“No you go first. I need to get up the courage to tell you what I am going through.”
Tara got nervous about what he had to say, but she started telling him what had been going on with her family during the holidays.
“You know John Angelo?” When Everett nodded, she went on. “My dad has been helping his dad remodel their house, and sometimes he doesn’t come home. Even when he comes home, he has been acting all secretive, and he’s either on top of the world or down in the dumps all the time. My mom accused him of using drugs and he flew off the handle. He started accusing her of having an affair with one of her co-workers because he sometimes drives her home. We all know she works long hours to support all of us. She wouldn’t have the energy to have an affair. She threatened to get a divorce if she ever found out he was using drugs, and he threatened to divorce her if she ever came home with any of her male co-workers again. He says he is going to start checking up on her at work, too. I don’t know what to think. Everyone says that the Angelos deal drugs, and my dad has been there a lot, but I can’t believe he would just start doing drugs at his age. As far as my mom having an affair, she is so tired when she gets off work, that she sometimes just falls into bed with all her clothes on. I really don’t think she even likes the District Manager that she car pools with. She said he bores her with stories about comic characters. All I know is that my dad isn’t acting like himself, and my mom is getting more and more resentful about him not having a full time job.”
“I think I know how you feel,” Everett said. “My parents separated when I was two, but my oldest sister and mom are always talking about what a bum he is, and how he never sends any child support. I have only seen him a couple of times since he moved out because he lives in Michigan, but he seems like a nice guy. I know he hasn’t been perfect, but I have a hard time believing he is as bad as my mom says he is. In the few times I have seen him, he hugged me and told me he loved me more than my mom has in my entire life. I wonder sometimes if she likes me at all. She talks about men like they are all evil and no good.”
Tara had only met Everett’s mom once, but his older sisters all seemed to treat him like a second class citizen. They had always treated her with respect and involved her in their conversations, but he didn’t seem to exist in their world unless they wanted something from him. Knowing he was on the brink of saying something important now, she turned sideways on the bench to look him straight in the eye.
“So what’s up with you?”, she asked. “What did you need to tell me?”
Everett fidgeted a little, and turned toward her, then looking up and down the hall to make sure no one was within earshot, he asked, “Do you think it is normal for me to have no desire to have sex?”
Tara was shocked by the question, but recovering quickly, she asked him what exactly he meant.
“Do you mean with Anne, or at all? I mean, we aren’t supposed to have sex with someone we aren’t married to, but I guess most guys think about it and want it most of the time.” She could tell she hadn’t given him the answer he wanted, so she went on. “ I know I appreciate the fact that you aren’t constantly talking about women’s body parts or watching a girl’s backside as she walks away from you. I’m glad you aren’t like the other guys.”
Everett shook his head, and kept starting to say something, “No, I meant…What I am trying to say is…It isn’t really about Anne”, but he couldn’t seem to finish any of his sentences, so he finally just said, “Never mind, it’s not a big deal”, and they continued talking about things that were a little easier to talk about for about half an hour, then went home. Tara had almost forgotten the conversation by the end of February. There were more important things on her mind.
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Tara was walking through Albertson’s looking for something to snack on when she ran into her distant cousin Marie. It had been almost five years since she had seen her, and she had grown up fast. It was hard to believe the 9-year-old she remembered was now a 14-year-old she hardly recognized. It was instantly obvious that Marie was at least eight months pregnant. Tara tried not to stare at her stomach as she talked to her. She just made small talk and asked how everyone was in the Paul side of the family.
Marie finally cut the tension by asking, “So no one in the family told you I was pregnant did they?” When Tara shook her head, Marie went on. “I could tell by the way you keep staring at my belly. Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone does it. Grandma and my bishop are pressuring me to give it up, and my mom keeps trying to hide me from the neighbors, but I plan to keep it, so everyone is going to find out anyway.” She stopped to take a breath and Tara began asking questions.
“Who’s the father? How far along are you? Are you going to finish school? Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy? How could Grandma want you to give it up? “
With every answer, Marie made it very clear that she had thought it all through and knew what she planned to do.
“Max is actually eighteen, and he has his own apartment, so I am moving in with him as soon as Kara is born. His apartment is right across the street from my Grandma Paul, so I will have family nearby. In fact, my uncle Dan is still living at home, and he has been helping me out a lot. Max and Dan spend a lot of time together. That side of the family isn’t LDS, so they aren’t as judgmental about it.”
Tara knew how that was. She felt like every move she made was against some rule the church had. She could handle it better if everyone around her wasn’t breaking the rules too, and not getting caught. Just the day before, she had been coming out of Maverik after buying gas, and Sister King scolded her for shopping on Sunday. As she hung her head and drove away, she realized that Sister King was doing the exact same thing. Deep inside, she felt Marie had really gotten herself into a fix, though. It made her realize how important the rule about not dating until you are sixteen really was. In fact, looking at Marie, she wondered why the Prophet didn’t forbid dating until eighteen or twenty-five.
Marie gave her a hug and said, “I hope you can come see the baby after it is born. We will be living in Double Tree Apartments, #32 if you want to stop by in a couple of weeks.”
“I can’t wait!” Tara squealed. Despite Marie’s age and the problems the baby would probably cause, Tara was glad to have a baby in the family. “It will be almost like having a niece or nephew.”
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When Tara got home, she asked her dad if he knew his cousin was going to be a grandma. He just grunted and said, “I don’t know why you think that is something to be proud of.” Then he plopped down on the couch, closed his blood shot eyes, and went to sleep.
Tara started cleaning up all the candy bar wrappers he had left around the living room and thought about what she had heard about drug users getting the “munchies”. Once again she wondered if her father could possibly be an addict. “Don’t be ridiculous!” she told herself, and went to finish her report for Mrs. Thompson’s class.
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A week later, the day after Valentines Day, Kara Maxine Phelps was born. She was 7 lbs. 6 oz., and had the most gorgeous blue eyes Tara had ever seen. She sat in Max and Marie’s apartment rocking her and playing with her fingers and toes. “I can’t believe how tiny she is!” she exclaimed. “I don’t remember B.C. ever being this small.”
Marie laughed and replied, “You were a lot younger when your sister was born. When your mom realized she was going to have a surprise, Ethan and I were about seven or eight, so that would have made you almost 10. He was hoping for a brother so bad, and instead he got his third sister.”
“Yeah, actually Bridget Camille never was this small. She was almost 10 pounds when she was born.” Tara said, wincing at the thought of trying to give birth. “So is it really as bad as they say? Did it hurt a lot?”
Marie winced and said, “Let’s just say, the pain is so bad you think you are going to die, then it gets worse and you wish you could die just to end the pain.” Then she laughed, and went on. “Actually, by the time I was in the regular room, I had pretty much forgotten how bad it really was. I just remember what I was thinking at the time.”
“Ouch! I can’t even imagine having that much pain. My menstrual cramps are bad enough. I throw up from the pain, and practically spend two days and two nights with a hot water bottle strapped to my waist. I didn’t think anything could hurt worse than that!” Tara exclaimed.
Marie was laughing because Max came in the room just in time to hear Tara say ‘menstrual’, and hurried right back out again.
Tara asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that Max smokes? I didn’t notice the smell until he came in just now, but doesn’t he stink like smoke all the time? Does he always smoke outside or does he smoke around the baby?”
Marie replied, “You sound just like my parents. They point out all the things about Max that are against the Word of Wisdom or something else in the church, as if I didn’t know he isn’t Mormon. They seem to think they can turn me against him or something, but it won’t happen. He is very careful not to smoke anywhere near the baby, and he only drinks a couple of beers once in a while. He loves me and the baby and we love him. That is all that matters. Please don’t be like them. I was hoping you would support me.”
Tara felt awful. “I wasn’t trying to judge the fact that he smokes. Maybe I was being a little self-righteous about it, but I just was worried about the smoke making the baby sick. Not because of the Word of Wisdom, but because of the health risks. I just hate the smell, mostly. Max seems nice and I think he cares about you and the baby. I would never try to talk you into breaking up with him.”
Marie threw her arms around Tara’s neck and said, “Thank you. I knew I could count on you. You were always the one in the family that stuck up for the rebels.” Then she teased, “Even if you never were one.”
Tara pushed her away and swatted at her. “You act like that is a bad thing. Don’t you know I am going to be rewarded in the after life for having such a boring life?”
She laughed and went on. “I just don’t have any interest in most of the things that would get me into trouble. I tried most everything, but never liked any of it. But that doesn’t mean you or Max or anyone else should be treated like dirt just because of the choices you have made. I think childbirth was punishment enough.”
Marie laughed. “Yeah, that’s for sure. I really regret getting pregnant with Max, but I would be lying if I said I regret having Kara. My life is going to be a lot more complicated, and I won’t get to do a lot of things I used to be able to do, but she is worth it. I am happy just being a mom to her and like a wife to Max. My mom thinks I am just ‘playing house’ and it will get boring after a while, but I like taking care of them. I have a lot more respect for my parents now. I just wish they could respect my decisions.”
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Everett, Anne and Tara spent a lot of time together, and with Anne on the Student Council, there were a lot of times Tara and Everett were alone together. As the school year got closer and closer to an end, Everett seemed to get more and more like a stranger. Tara wasn’t sure what was going on, but she knew he just wasn’t the same. During the month she was so busy with the baby and Marie, Everett had started wearing tee shirts and jeans (well-pressed jeans) instead of his khakis and sweater vests. He had cut his hair so short it looked like he had joined the army, instead of wearing it a little long on top, and had even let the natural color grow back. She had never really cared for the dye jobs he used to do, but they were part of him, and now they were gone. He had started acting all “macho” and was really starting to get on her nerves.
One day after she had been up all night with Kara, so Marie and Max could have a day off, she overheard Everett telling Russell Blake what a wild woman Anne was. She was sure he was lying, but either way, Anne’s reputation was on the line. She pulled Everett aside, and gave him an earful. While she was at it, she began to ask him about all the other strange things that were happening.
“You told me a couple of weeks ago that you were going to ask Anne to marry you, and now you are making her sound like a slut! What has happened to you? I thought you didn’t have any interest in sex! What has happened to change you so much?”
She paused to give him a chance to explain, but instead he just walked away. Tara went to find Anne.
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Anne was in the library with the Senior Class President discussing the upcoming Spring Fling. Tara waited for them to finish, then told Anne they better go find Everett.
She was shocked when Anne spat, “I don’t care where he is or what he is doing. Kevin just told me that everyone is talking about the ‘good time’ I gave Everett last night. I can’t believe he is telling everyone!”
“You mean you and Everett . . . ”
“Not what you think,” Anne explained. “We just started talking about marriage and that led to the wedding, which led to the honeymoon, and one thing led to another until we were both down to our underwear. I think I would have let things keep going, but all of a sudden Everett backed off, got dressed, and ran out. Just as I was buttoning my jeans, Russell came in the locker room, but he didn’t say anything, so I didn’t think he suspected anything.”
“That’s why I came to get you. Russell and Everett were just talking about last night, and Everett was implying that you and he went all the way.” Tara hugged Anne as she started to cry, then told her how worried she was. “I think Everett is just confused and dealing with something, and he is doing whatever it takes to get someone’s attention. I don’t know if he is trying to get you to pay more attention to him, or his family, or what, but he is acting really weird. I am afraid he is just going to get more and more desperate unless we find out what is going on.”
“He seemed okay to me, until this,” Anne sighed. “I have wondered about his change of clothes and hair, but thought he just wanted a change. I don’t think it is anything to worry about.”
Tara chose her words carefully. “I have been around him more than you have lately, Anne. He has become an egotistical jerk, acting all macho and disrespectful. He actually went to Gary’s bachelor’s party last week. Did you know that?”
“I knew he was thinking about it, but all they did was go down to Poky to see the tractor pulls and stopped off at a bar on the way home. Everett was going to be the designated driver.”
Tara considered the situation and decided if she had to choose between loyalty to Everett or to Anne, she had to choose Anne. “Ryan told Beth that they went to Gary’s and hired a stripper from Jackson. She was all over everyone there, including Everett. He said Everett seemed to be enjoying the party while he was there, then talked about how disgusting the girl was all the way home. Ryan thought Everett was acting a little hypocritical after the way he was acting at the party.”
Anne asked, “What do you mean, hypocritical? He has never liked girls who flaunt their bodies. He has always been very clear about that.”
“But he has changed, Anne. Can’t you see how he is acting like ‘one of the guys’ more and more, and like himself less and less?”
“I guess I have just taken him for granted a little bit lately,” Anne sighed. “He has always been too good to be true, but I was just thinking how nice it was that he doesn’t mind me spending so much time with Student Council stuff. He was always there when I needed him, and he treated me with respect. Until now. Maybe I pressured him a little too much about a temple marriage. He keeps saying he doesn’t feel worthy to get sealed, but he won’t say why. I have asked about all the sins I can think of, and he says he hasn’t committed any of them. He even refuses to watch an R-rated movie or to shop on Sunday.”
Tara rubbed her temples to ease the headache that was coming on. “He obviously feels guilty about something. At the very least, he hasn’t been treating women in general with much respect lately. I don’t blame him for not liking the way his sisters and mother treat him, but he used to respect other women.”
Anne put her arm around Tara and said, “Let’s go find him and make him talk to us.”
“I think you should talk to him alone, at least at first. Why don’t I meet you guys at Bogarts in about an hour? If you aren’t done talking by then, just leave a message with Ryan. He should be working tonight. I think I should go take some heavy-duty painkillers and take a nap.”
As Tara walked away, she couldn’t help feeling like there was something she was missing about Everett’s behavior, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. When she showed up at Bogarts later that night, Everett was already waiting, and he was alone.
“Where’s Anne?” she asked. “I thought she was coming with you.”
“She found me at Andy Michaels’s house and asked if I wanted to come to Bogarts and have a talk, but just as we got here, your sister’s boyfriend said he had a message from Anne’s parents and she had to leave. I decided to eat and go home. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to ask you what is going on with you,” Tara explained, ” but I didn’t want to pry into you and Anne’s business without her here. I just can’t believe you are telling everyone that you guys had sex! I am sorry about the way I yelled at you earlier, but I am just so frustrated trying to figure you out lately. One day you are like my best friend, asking about my family and acting like you really care about me, and the next you are telling a group of guys that you ‘have to be nice to the fat girls’. I know you didn’t think that would get back to me, but this is a small town, Everett. I am comfortable with my appearance, and I know I didn’t imagine all the nice things you have said and done for me. I know you aren’t ashamed to be seen with me. Or at least you didn’t used to be. What has changed? Why are you acting like such a jerk lately, and what is with your hair?” She reached up to rub his nearly bald head, and said, “Or should I say your lack of hair?”
Everett reached up to run his hands through his hair out of habit, and finding none, he laughed at himself, then got serious. “A few weeks ago, my mother called me a faggot.” When Tara gasped, he just nodded his head and went on. “ It really made me mad at the time, but I started thinking about how I really feel, and maybe she’s right. I don’t think about girls and sex as much as the other guys seem to. Then I remembered something I said to my dad one time when I was about nine. We were watching a football game, and I pointed to one of the players and said, ‘I want to marry him.’ My dad just brushed it off right then, but later he questioned me about it. I thought a lot about it, and decided I didn’t really want to marry that guy, but I wanted to be with someone like him. I had this picture in my head of living in a house with someone strong like him. My dad tried to joke about it by saying I would be living with a lot of different guys on my mission, and that all guys like to think they have friends to back them up and protect them. He even blamed himself about it, saying I was just trying to find the kind of relationship he and I should have had all these years. He tried to convince me, and I think himself, that I wasn’t weird or something. I kind of forgot about it until the last few months. The closer I get to marrying Anne, the more I feel like I have some feelings to sort out. I really don’t think I am attracted to other guys. I am not gay. I can’t be. I just don’t know how to explain how I am feeling. All the changes I am making are because of my bishop.”
Tara broke in to ask, “You talked to your bishop about all this? What did he say?”
Everett laughed and said, “I am trying to tell you, Tara. I am just trying to do this at my own pace. Don’t rush me. This is very hard to talk about with anyone, but you are my girlfriend’s best friend, my friend, and a girl. You should feel lucky that I can talk to you at all.” He slugged her playfully and went to refill his drink.
As he was returning to the table, Anne came in and Tara could tell Everett didn’t want to continue their conversation right then. He did skirt around the issue and told both girls that he had told his bishop about his feelings of unworthiness and that his bishop had advised him to “Follow the example of the other guys in his Priesthood quorum,” so he had been trying to fit in a little more by wearing the same kind of clothes, and cutting his hair, and somewhere along the line he had gone too far by trying to fit in a little too much.
He apologized for all the things he had said and done to hurt Tara and Anne, and promised to clear it all up and do better. By the time he and Anne left, they were holding hands and looked like nothing would ever come between them.
Tara went home, and pulled out her old photo albums, searching for a time when she felt carefree. It seemed the older she got, the more complicated things got. “How did the world get so complicated all of a sudden?” she wondered. “I thought I could deal with just about anything until Roland came along and turned my world upside down. Now it seems like just when I think the worst has happened, something else happens to me or someone I love.” She was absently turning pages, and suddenly dropped the album when she saw a picture of Dominick smiling up at her and realized what had been bugging her all day. She ran to the phone to call Dom’s sister.
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Bella answered, sounding a little impatient. Tara identified herself, and asked how everyone was.
“Gills? Is it really you? I haven’t heard from you since I moved to Yah-Tah-Hey five years ago. Dom says you got your heart broken by some jerk down here. How close is he to New Mexico? I know some people, who know some people, if you know what I mean.”
Tara laughed at her fake accent, and the use of her dreaded nickname. Ever since she almost drowned in the pool at Grand Targhee, Dom’s family had called her Gills. Most people assumed it was just her last name shortened, so she didn’t have to explain it to very many people.
“Roland isn’t worth the effort. He is just a mixed up guy with a lot of problems that I thought we could overcome together. I was wrong, and I am trying to deal with it one day at a time. Right now, I am more worried about a friend of mine. Do you remember the heart to heart Dom had with you and me the night you caught me and Dom half dressed in the basement? Do you remember what Dom said about loving me but not wanting to have sex with me, and he went on to say something about not wanting to have sex with anyone? Later, he told us both that he sometimes thought he was never going to get married because he had never looked at a girl the way most sixteen-year-old boys do, and he couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way, and he…”
Bella cut in and dropped a bombshell. “I thought you knew Gills. Dom came out to the family last year. He dropped out of school and moved to Wyoming with his boyfriend. I don’t know why he hasn’t told you. Everyone else seems to know. How long has it been since you talked to him?”
“I lost your parents’ number after they moved. I tried to call your grandparents, but they were never home. After a while, I just gave up. It has been at least three years.”
While Tara paused to let it all sink in, Bella asked, “So what does Dom’s sexual orientation have to do with this friend of yours?”
Tara was still in shock, and didn’t know how to explain why she thought Dom and Everett were so much alike. They were really complete opposites, now that she thought about it. "What was it about Everett that made me think he was like Dom?” she thought. “Was it just the clothes they wear? The way they talked? I can’t quite put my finger on it. There is just something about them both that sets them apart from the other guys I have known. What is it?”
“Gills, are you still there?”, Bella was saying. “I hope I didn’t shock you too much. I thought he’d tell you first. You seemed to know everything else before he told us. I’m sure he meant to tell you. Maybe he was just scared that you wouldn’t understand, but I don’t know how he would think that would make a difference to you. You guys were like siamese twins.”
“Yeah, I’m still here. I am just struggling with why I didn’t know all along. Were there signs I should have picked up on?” Tara made a joke by saying, “I guess I should have known when he was the only guy friend I had that didn’t try to get in my pants.”
Bella laughed, and answered, “He told us he didn’t really even admit it to himself until he met Cooper. He knew he was different, but he thought he would grow out of it or something. What is going on with this friend of yours?”
Again Tara tried to identify the feeling she was having in the pit of her stomach. “I don’t know what to say, Bella. I have this friend who has been dating the same girl for almost three years, and is planning to ask her to marry him. He is a really good guy; he goes to church every week, doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything, but when it comes to actually making plans to get sealed in the temple, he keeps saying he doesn’t feel worthy.”
“Why isn’t he going on a mission?” Bella asked.
“His mother thinks it is more important for him to go to college and get a good job, and if you knew his mother, you would understand why he has never felt like that was something he has a choice about. In fact, if she didn’t like Anne, Everett wouldn’t have been allowed to date her. That woman has an iron grip on her family, and no one will stand up to her.”
“Sounds like we should be feeling sorry for this Anne girl if she is going to have this woman for a mother-in-law,” Bella joked. “What happens when she decides she doesn’t like something that they are doing and butts into their life?”
“I have had many conversations with Everett and Anne about that very subject, and he insists that as soon as he can get out of her house, he won’t let her in his life anymore. That isn’t the biggest problem right now, though . . . ”
“Maybe he is just feeling guilty about not going on a mission,” Bella cut in. “Maybe that is why he doesn’t feel worthy.”
Tara thought about that, and wished she could believe that could be the problem. “I think it is more serious than that,” she sighed. “I think he and Dom may have something in common. I can’t really put my finger on it, but there is something about the way Everett talks to me or acts around me that makes me think of Dom. He told me he doesn’t have sexual feelings for Anne, and that he is struggling with the fact that he never had a loving male figure in his life and the older he gets the more he just wants to be held and loved by a strong, protective male. He insists he is not gay, but he was the one to bring the word up, so I know he has at least considered it. He has confided in me a lot, and doesn’t want me to say anything to Anne until he can figure everything out, but I thought if I could talk to Dom or someone who knows him, you could reassure me that I am just imagining things. Instead, I am just more convinced that there might be something to worry about.”
“Gills, sometimes one plus one doesn’t add up to two. Don’t freak out yet, K? I didn’t mean to make things worse. Maybe your friend just isn’t ready to get married and he is just looking for a reason to put it off. Maybe he’s afraid Anne will turn out like his mother. Maybe he just needs to find a father figure he can look up to and learn how to be a good husband and father. Or maybe he is gay. No matter what happens, though, you can’t do anything about it. He has to figure it out on his own.” With the sound of a horn in the background, Bella explained that she was supposed to take her father to the store. “Before you go, you just have to tell me. Why were you half naked that day in the basement?”
“That’s a secret I will take to my grave,” Tara swore, “but I promise it had nothing to do with sex.” Then she hung up the phone before Bella could get the truth out of her.
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“If anyone ever found out what happened that night, I would die of embarrassment". It was hard enough admitting to Dom that she had gotten a tattoo on her back without her parents permission, but then her shirt had somehow gotten fused with the scab. In trying to free herself, she had made her back bleed, A LOT, and panicked. Dom was trying to help her clean up and put some Neosporin on it, but her shirt kept getting in the way, so she just took it off and held it over her chest. When Bella came down the stairs, she was so busy trying to hide the tattoo that she forgot to keep her chest covered. Dom, in the panic of the moment, threw his hands across her chest. Of course, they both just looked more guilty, and although they swore they weren’t doing anything sexual, they wouldn’t tell anyone what was really going on. "I wonder what my future husband will think when he sees the E.T. permanently attached to my back? What a silly thing to do.”
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The next morning, just as Tara was about to ask Everett if they could have a serious talk, he hugged her and said, “Tar’ I don’t know how to thank you! After I talked to you last night, I prayed a lot and went to see the bishop again, and after I told him everything, he said some things that made me feel a lot better.”
“What do you mean ‘everything’?”, Tara asked. “Did you tell him about the football player thing?”
“Yes, everything. I told him how I am afraid of Anne turning out like my mom, how I miss having a male figure in my life, how I have no desire to fornicate with Anne, and all the rest of the things that have been worrying me. He said he understood why I would be questioning my worthiness, if I have been dealing with all that. He asked me about a mission again, but also told me that my mother has already informed him that if I go on a mission, she will stop going to church, so he understands why I am reluctant to go. He told me to pray about the mission, and also about marrying Anne, and get back to him next week.” He threw his arms in the air and shouted, “I feel so much better!”
Tara looked at all the students getting off their buses who were startled by the outburst, and said, “I am glad you are feeling better. Just don’t get yourself committed to Blackfoot South before you have a chance to propose. You are scaring the children.”
Everett looked at the other students and laughed, then asked Tara to walk to their lockers with him.
“I bought this before Christmas, intending to ask Anne on Valentines Day,” he said, showing Tara a gorgeous wedding set, “but when Bryan proposed to Shelley in January, everyone was so excited I didn’t want to steal their thunder. Besides, at that time I wasn’t really sure I should get married. Now I am ready to ask her, I have the ring, and I just need to come up with the perfect setting. Do you think it would be too hokey if I proposed on the old roller coaster when we go to Lagoon for our senior trip?”
Tara laughed and reminded him that Anne hated roller coasters. “Maybe you should talk to Jan. She would know better than anyone what scenario Anne has imagined in her head. Every woman has planned that moment down to the last second, knowing that no man could read her mind, but hoping that he does it right.”
“Maybe you are right. Definitely not the roller coaster. How about the water slide at Downey, then?”, he joked, then ducked to avoid the backpack Tara was swinging at his head.
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To Tara’s surprise, Jan said Anne dreamed of being proposed to on the chair lift at the ski resort they had visited during Christmas vacation. Everett couldn’t arrange that in the middle of summer, so he compromised by proposing on the Sky Tram at Lagoon. He secretly gave everyone in their class a note, telling them to be watching at two o’clock. It seemed the whole park was at a standstill for a few minutes, waiting, then when she said yes, they all started screaming and whistling and clapping so loud that Anne nearly fell out of the chair.
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They were married on Christmas Eve. Riley Joe was born in August, followed by Samuel in January, a year and a half later. Everyone thought their life was perfect, and Tara almost forgot the conversations she had with Everett and Bella until years later when Anne had her first heart attack. Her illness seemed to break the dam of feelings Everett had been denying. He moved out and filed for divorce before she had even left the hospital.
“Yeah, I had a lot of fun with her family,” she said, thinking of Allen. “Once I got home, it wasn’t so great, though. My mom and dad are fighting like cats and dogs lately, and it got so bad this morning that the word ‘divorce’ actually came up.”
Everett put his arm around her, and asked if she wanted to go sit on the bench down the hall and talk. “I have something I want to talk to you about, too.”
Tara went around the corner to tell Beth she was going to stay at school for a little while longer, then joined Everett on the bench.
“So what’s up?” she asked.
“No you go first. I need to get up the courage to tell you what I am going through.”
Tara got nervous about what he had to say, but she started telling him what had been going on with her family during the holidays.
“You know John Angelo?” When Everett nodded, she went on. “My dad has been helping his dad remodel their house, and sometimes he doesn’t come home. Even when he comes home, he has been acting all secretive, and he’s either on top of the world or down in the dumps all the time. My mom accused him of using drugs and he flew off the handle. He started accusing her of having an affair with one of her co-workers because he sometimes drives her home. We all know she works long hours to support all of us. She wouldn’t have the energy to have an affair. She threatened to get a divorce if she ever found out he was using drugs, and he threatened to divorce her if she ever came home with any of her male co-workers again. He says he is going to start checking up on her at work, too. I don’t know what to think. Everyone says that the Angelos deal drugs, and my dad has been there a lot, but I can’t believe he would just start doing drugs at his age. As far as my mom having an affair, she is so tired when she gets off work, that she sometimes just falls into bed with all her clothes on. I really don’t think she even likes the District Manager that she car pools with. She said he bores her with stories about comic characters. All I know is that my dad isn’t acting like himself, and my mom is getting more and more resentful about him not having a full time job.”
“I think I know how you feel,” Everett said. “My parents separated when I was two, but my oldest sister and mom are always talking about what a bum he is, and how he never sends any child support. I have only seen him a couple of times since he moved out because he lives in Michigan, but he seems like a nice guy. I know he hasn’t been perfect, but I have a hard time believing he is as bad as my mom says he is. In the few times I have seen him, he hugged me and told me he loved me more than my mom has in my entire life. I wonder sometimes if she likes me at all. She talks about men like they are all evil and no good.”
Tara had only met Everett’s mom once, but his older sisters all seemed to treat him like a second class citizen. They had always treated her with respect and involved her in their conversations, but he didn’t seem to exist in their world unless they wanted something from him. Knowing he was on the brink of saying something important now, she turned sideways on the bench to look him straight in the eye.
“So what’s up with you?”, she asked. “What did you need to tell me?”
Everett fidgeted a little, and turned toward her, then looking up and down the hall to make sure no one was within earshot, he asked, “Do you think it is normal for me to have no desire to have sex?”
Tara was shocked by the question, but recovering quickly, she asked him what exactly he meant.
“Do you mean with Anne, or at all? I mean, we aren’t supposed to have sex with someone we aren’t married to, but I guess most guys think about it and want it most of the time.” She could tell she hadn’t given him the answer he wanted, so she went on. “ I know I appreciate the fact that you aren’t constantly talking about women’s body parts or watching a girl’s backside as she walks away from you. I’m glad you aren’t like the other guys.”
Everett shook his head, and kept starting to say something, “No, I meant…What I am trying to say is…It isn’t really about Anne”, but he couldn’t seem to finish any of his sentences, so he finally just said, “Never mind, it’s not a big deal”, and they continued talking about things that were a little easier to talk about for about half an hour, then went home. Tara had almost forgotten the conversation by the end of February. There were more important things on her mind.
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Tara was walking through Albertson’s looking for something to snack on when she ran into her distant cousin Marie. It had been almost five years since she had seen her, and she had grown up fast. It was hard to believe the 9-year-old she remembered was now a 14-year-old she hardly recognized. It was instantly obvious that Marie was at least eight months pregnant. Tara tried not to stare at her stomach as she talked to her. She just made small talk and asked how everyone was in the Paul side of the family.
Marie finally cut the tension by asking, “So no one in the family told you I was pregnant did they?” When Tara shook her head, Marie went on. “I could tell by the way you keep staring at my belly. Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone does it. Grandma and my bishop are pressuring me to give it up, and my mom keeps trying to hide me from the neighbors, but I plan to keep it, so everyone is going to find out anyway.” She stopped to take a breath and Tara began asking questions.
“Who’s the father? How far along are you? Are you going to finish school? Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy? How could Grandma want you to give it up? “
With every answer, Marie made it very clear that she had thought it all through and knew what she planned to do.
“Max is actually eighteen, and he has his own apartment, so I am moving in with him as soon as Kara is born. His apartment is right across the street from my Grandma Paul, so I will have family nearby. In fact, my uncle Dan is still living at home, and he has been helping me out a lot. Max and Dan spend a lot of time together. That side of the family isn’t LDS, so they aren’t as judgmental about it.”
Tara knew how that was. She felt like every move she made was against some rule the church had. She could handle it better if everyone around her wasn’t breaking the rules too, and not getting caught. Just the day before, she had been coming out of Maverik after buying gas, and Sister King scolded her for shopping on Sunday. As she hung her head and drove away, she realized that Sister King was doing the exact same thing. Deep inside, she felt Marie had really gotten herself into a fix, though. It made her realize how important the rule about not dating until you are sixteen really was. In fact, looking at Marie, she wondered why the Prophet didn’t forbid dating until eighteen or twenty-five.
Marie gave her a hug and said, “I hope you can come see the baby after it is born. We will be living in Double Tree Apartments, #32 if you want to stop by in a couple of weeks.”
“I can’t wait!” Tara squealed. Despite Marie’s age and the problems the baby would probably cause, Tara was glad to have a baby in the family. “It will be almost like having a niece or nephew.”
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When Tara got home, she asked her dad if he knew his cousin was going to be a grandma. He just grunted and said, “I don’t know why you think that is something to be proud of.” Then he plopped down on the couch, closed his blood shot eyes, and went to sleep.
Tara started cleaning up all the candy bar wrappers he had left around the living room and thought about what she had heard about drug users getting the “munchies”. Once again she wondered if her father could possibly be an addict. “Don’t be ridiculous!” she told herself, and went to finish her report for Mrs. Thompson’s class.
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A week later, the day after Valentines Day, Kara Maxine Phelps was born. She was 7 lbs. 6 oz., and had the most gorgeous blue eyes Tara had ever seen. She sat in Max and Marie’s apartment rocking her and playing with her fingers and toes. “I can’t believe how tiny she is!” she exclaimed. “I don’t remember B.C. ever being this small.”
Marie laughed and replied, “You were a lot younger when your sister was born. When your mom realized she was going to have a surprise, Ethan and I were about seven or eight, so that would have made you almost 10. He was hoping for a brother so bad, and instead he got his third sister.”
“Yeah, actually Bridget Camille never was this small. She was almost 10 pounds when she was born.” Tara said, wincing at the thought of trying to give birth. “So is it really as bad as they say? Did it hurt a lot?”
Marie winced and said, “Let’s just say, the pain is so bad you think you are going to die, then it gets worse and you wish you could die just to end the pain.” Then she laughed, and went on. “Actually, by the time I was in the regular room, I had pretty much forgotten how bad it really was. I just remember what I was thinking at the time.”
“Ouch! I can’t even imagine having that much pain. My menstrual cramps are bad enough. I throw up from the pain, and practically spend two days and two nights with a hot water bottle strapped to my waist. I didn’t think anything could hurt worse than that!” Tara exclaimed.
Marie was laughing because Max came in the room just in time to hear Tara say ‘menstrual’, and hurried right back out again.
Tara asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that Max smokes? I didn’t notice the smell until he came in just now, but doesn’t he stink like smoke all the time? Does he always smoke outside or does he smoke around the baby?”
Marie replied, “You sound just like my parents. They point out all the things about Max that are against the Word of Wisdom or something else in the church, as if I didn’t know he isn’t Mormon. They seem to think they can turn me against him or something, but it won’t happen. He is very careful not to smoke anywhere near the baby, and he only drinks a couple of beers once in a while. He loves me and the baby and we love him. That is all that matters. Please don’t be like them. I was hoping you would support me.”
Tara felt awful. “I wasn’t trying to judge the fact that he smokes. Maybe I was being a little self-righteous about it, but I just was worried about the smoke making the baby sick. Not because of the Word of Wisdom, but because of the health risks. I just hate the smell, mostly. Max seems nice and I think he cares about you and the baby. I would never try to talk you into breaking up with him.”
Marie threw her arms around Tara’s neck and said, “Thank you. I knew I could count on you. You were always the one in the family that stuck up for the rebels.” Then she teased, “Even if you never were one.”
Tara pushed her away and swatted at her. “You act like that is a bad thing. Don’t you know I am going to be rewarded in the after life for having such a boring life?”
She laughed and went on. “I just don’t have any interest in most of the things that would get me into trouble. I tried most everything, but never liked any of it. But that doesn’t mean you or Max or anyone else should be treated like dirt just because of the choices you have made. I think childbirth was punishment enough.”
Marie laughed. “Yeah, that’s for sure. I really regret getting pregnant with Max, but I would be lying if I said I regret having Kara. My life is going to be a lot more complicated, and I won’t get to do a lot of things I used to be able to do, but she is worth it. I am happy just being a mom to her and like a wife to Max. My mom thinks I am just ‘playing house’ and it will get boring after a while, but I like taking care of them. I have a lot more respect for my parents now. I just wish they could respect my decisions.”
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Everett, Anne and Tara spent a lot of time together, and with Anne on the Student Council, there were a lot of times Tara and Everett were alone together. As the school year got closer and closer to an end, Everett seemed to get more and more like a stranger. Tara wasn’t sure what was going on, but she knew he just wasn’t the same. During the month she was so busy with the baby and Marie, Everett had started wearing tee shirts and jeans (well-pressed jeans) instead of his khakis and sweater vests. He had cut his hair so short it looked like he had joined the army, instead of wearing it a little long on top, and had even let the natural color grow back. She had never really cared for the dye jobs he used to do, but they were part of him, and now they were gone. He had started acting all “macho” and was really starting to get on her nerves.
One day after she had been up all night with Kara, so Marie and Max could have a day off, she overheard Everett telling Russell Blake what a wild woman Anne was. She was sure he was lying, but either way, Anne’s reputation was on the line. She pulled Everett aside, and gave him an earful. While she was at it, she began to ask him about all the other strange things that were happening.
“You told me a couple of weeks ago that you were going to ask Anne to marry you, and now you are making her sound like a slut! What has happened to you? I thought you didn’t have any interest in sex! What has happened to change you so much?”
She paused to give him a chance to explain, but instead he just walked away. Tara went to find Anne.
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Anne was in the library with the Senior Class President discussing the upcoming Spring Fling. Tara waited for them to finish, then told Anne they better go find Everett.
She was shocked when Anne spat, “I don’t care where he is or what he is doing. Kevin just told me that everyone is talking about the ‘good time’ I gave Everett last night. I can’t believe he is telling everyone!”
“You mean you and Everett . . . ”
“Not what you think,” Anne explained. “We just started talking about marriage and that led to the wedding, which led to the honeymoon, and one thing led to another until we were both down to our underwear. I think I would have let things keep going, but all of a sudden Everett backed off, got dressed, and ran out. Just as I was buttoning my jeans, Russell came in the locker room, but he didn’t say anything, so I didn’t think he suspected anything.”
“That’s why I came to get you. Russell and Everett were just talking about last night, and Everett was implying that you and he went all the way.” Tara hugged Anne as she started to cry, then told her how worried she was. “I think Everett is just confused and dealing with something, and he is doing whatever it takes to get someone’s attention. I don’t know if he is trying to get you to pay more attention to him, or his family, or what, but he is acting really weird. I am afraid he is just going to get more and more desperate unless we find out what is going on.”
“He seemed okay to me, until this,” Anne sighed. “I have wondered about his change of clothes and hair, but thought he just wanted a change. I don’t think it is anything to worry about.”
Tara chose her words carefully. “I have been around him more than you have lately, Anne. He has become an egotistical jerk, acting all macho and disrespectful. He actually went to Gary’s bachelor’s party last week. Did you know that?”
“I knew he was thinking about it, but all they did was go down to Poky to see the tractor pulls and stopped off at a bar on the way home. Everett was going to be the designated driver.”
Tara considered the situation and decided if she had to choose between loyalty to Everett or to Anne, she had to choose Anne. “Ryan told Beth that they went to Gary’s and hired a stripper from Jackson. She was all over everyone there, including Everett. He said Everett seemed to be enjoying the party while he was there, then talked about how disgusting the girl was all the way home. Ryan thought Everett was acting a little hypocritical after the way he was acting at the party.”
Anne asked, “What do you mean, hypocritical? He has never liked girls who flaunt their bodies. He has always been very clear about that.”
“But he has changed, Anne. Can’t you see how he is acting like ‘one of the guys’ more and more, and like himself less and less?”
“I guess I have just taken him for granted a little bit lately,” Anne sighed. “He has always been too good to be true, but I was just thinking how nice it was that he doesn’t mind me spending so much time with Student Council stuff. He was always there when I needed him, and he treated me with respect. Until now. Maybe I pressured him a little too much about a temple marriage. He keeps saying he doesn’t feel worthy to get sealed, but he won’t say why. I have asked about all the sins I can think of, and he says he hasn’t committed any of them. He even refuses to watch an R-rated movie or to shop on Sunday.”
Tara rubbed her temples to ease the headache that was coming on. “He obviously feels guilty about something. At the very least, he hasn’t been treating women in general with much respect lately. I don’t blame him for not liking the way his sisters and mother treat him, but he used to respect other women.”
Anne put her arm around Tara and said, “Let’s go find him and make him talk to us.”
“I think you should talk to him alone, at least at first. Why don’t I meet you guys at Bogarts in about an hour? If you aren’t done talking by then, just leave a message with Ryan. He should be working tonight. I think I should go take some heavy-duty painkillers and take a nap.”
As Tara walked away, she couldn’t help feeling like there was something she was missing about Everett’s behavior, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. When she showed up at Bogarts later that night, Everett was already waiting, and he was alone.
“Where’s Anne?” she asked. “I thought she was coming with you.”
“She found me at Andy Michaels’s house and asked if I wanted to come to Bogarts and have a talk, but just as we got here, your sister’s boyfriend said he had a message from Anne’s parents and she had to leave. I decided to eat and go home. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to ask you what is going on with you,” Tara explained, ” but I didn’t want to pry into you and Anne’s business without her here. I just can’t believe you are telling everyone that you guys had sex! I am sorry about the way I yelled at you earlier, but I am just so frustrated trying to figure you out lately. One day you are like my best friend, asking about my family and acting like you really care about me, and the next you are telling a group of guys that you ‘have to be nice to the fat girls’. I know you didn’t think that would get back to me, but this is a small town, Everett. I am comfortable with my appearance, and I know I didn’t imagine all the nice things you have said and done for me. I know you aren’t ashamed to be seen with me. Or at least you didn’t used to be. What has changed? Why are you acting like such a jerk lately, and what is with your hair?” She reached up to rub his nearly bald head, and said, “Or should I say your lack of hair?”
Everett reached up to run his hands through his hair out of habit, and finding none, he laughed at himself, then got serious. “A few weeks ago, my mother called me a faggot.” When Tara gasped, he just nodded his head and went on. “ It really made me mad at the time, but I started thinking about how I really feel, and maybe she’s right. I don’t think about girls and sex as much as the other guys seem to. Then I remembered something I said to my dad one time when I was about nine. We were watching a football game, and I pointed to one of the players and said, ‘I want to marry him.’ My dad just brushed it off right then, but later he questioned me about it. I thought a lot about it, and decided I didn’t really want to marry that guy, but I wanted to be with someone like him. I had this picture in my head of living in a house with someone strong like him. My dad tried to joke about it by saying I would be living with a lot of different guys on my mission, and that all guys like to think they have friends to back them up and protect them. He even blamed himself about it, saying I was just trying to find the kind of relationship he and I should have had all these years. He tried to convince me, and I think himself, that I wasn’t weird or something. I kind of forgot about it until the last few months. The closer I get to marrying Anne, the more I feel like I have some feelings to sort out. I really don’t think I am attracted to other guys. I am not gay. I can’t be. I just don’t know how to explain how I am feeling. All the changes I am making are because of my bishop.”
Tara broke in to ask, “You talked to your bishop about all this? What did he say?”
Everett laughed and said, “I am trying to tell you, Tara. I am just trying to do this at my own pace. Don’t rush me. This is very hard to talk about with anyone, but you are my girlfriend’s best friend, my friend, and a girl. You should feel lucky that I can talk to you at all.” He slugged her playfully and went to refill his drink.
As he was returning to the table, Anne came in and Tara could tell Everett didn’t want to continue their conversation right then. He did skirt around the issue and told both girls that he had told his bishop about his feelings of unworthiness and that his bishop had advised him to “Follow the example of the other guys in his Priesthood quorum,” so he had been trying to fit in a little more by wearing the same kind of clothes, and cutting his hair, and somewhere along the line he had gone too far by trying to fit in a little too much.
He apologized for all the things he had said and done to hurt Tara and Anne, and promised to clear it all up and do better. By the time he and Anne left, they were holding hands and looked like nothing would ever come between them.
Tara went home, and pulled out her old photo albums, searching for a time when she felt carefree. It seemed the older she got, the more complicated things got. “How did the world get so complicated all of a sudden?” she wondered. “I thought I could deal with just about anything until Roland came along and turned my world upside down. Now it seems like just when I think the worst has happened, something else happens to me or someone I love.” She was absently turning pages, and suddenly dropped the album when she saw a picture of Dominick smiling up at her and realized what had been bugging her all day. She ran to the phone to call Dom’s sister.
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Bella answered, sounding a little impatient. Tara identified herself, and asked how everyone was.
“Gills? Is it really you? I haven’t heard from you since I moved to Yah-Tah-Hey five years ago. Dom says you got your heart broken by some jerk down here. How close is he to New Mexico? I know some people, who know some people, if you know what I mean.”
Tara laughed at her fake accent, and the use of her dreaded nickname. Ever since she almost drowned in the pool at Grand Targhee, Dom’s family had called her Gills. Most people assumed it was just her last name shortened, so she didn’t have to explain it to very many people.
“Roland isn’t worth the effort. He is just a mixed up guy with a lot of problems that I thought we could overcome together. I was wrong, and I am trying to deal with it one day at a time. Right now, I am more worried about a friend of mine. Do you remember the heart to heart Dom had with you and me the night you caught me and Dom half dressed in the basement? Do you remember what Dom said about loving me but not wanting to have sex with me, and he went on to say something about not wanting to have sex with anyone? Later, he told us both that he sometimes thought he was never going to get married because he had never looked at a girl the way most sixteen-year-old boys do, and he couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way, and he…”
Bella cut in and dropped a bombshell. “I thought you knew Gills. Dom came out to the family last year. He dropped out of school and moved to Wyoming with his boyfriend. I don’t know why he hasn’t told you. Everyone else seems to know. How long has it been since you talked to him?”
“I lost your parents’ number after they moved. I tried to call your grandparents, but they were never home. After a while, I just gave up. It has been at least three years.”
While Tara paused to let it all sink in, Bella asked, “So what does Dom’s sexual orientation have to do with this friend of yours?”
Tara was still in shock, and didn’t know how to explain why she thought Dom and Everett were so much alike. They were really complete opposites, now that she thought about it. "What was it about Everett that made me think he was like Dom?” she thought. “Was it just the clothes they wear? The way they talked? I can’t quite put my finger on it. There is just something about them both that sets them apart from the other guys I have known. What is it?”
“Gills, are you still there?”, Bella was saying. “I hope I didn’t shock you too much. I thought he’d tell you first. You seemed to know everything else before he told us. I’m sure he meant to tell you. Maybe he was just scared that you wouldn’t understand, but I don’t know how he would think that would make a difference to you. You guys were like siamese twins.”
“Yeah, I’m still here. I am just struggling with why I didn’t know all along. Were there signs I should have picked up on?” Tara made a joke by saying, “I guess I should have known when he was the only guy friend I had that didn’t try to get in my pants.”
Bella laughed, and answered, “He told us he didn’t really even admit it to himself until he met Cooper. He knew he was different, but he thought he would grow out of it or something. What is going on with this friend of yours?”
Again Tara tried to identify the feeling she was having in the pit of her stomach. “I don’t know what to say, Bella. I have this friend who has been dating the same girl for almost three years, and is planning to ask her to marry him. He is a really good guy; he goes to church every week, doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything, but when it comes to actually making plans to get sealed in the temple, he keeps saying he doesn’t feel worthy.”
“Why isn’t he going on a mission?” Bella asked.
“His mother thinks it is more important for him to go to college and get a good job, and if you knew his mother, you would understand why he has never felt like that was something he has a choice about. In fact, if she didn’t like Anne, Everett wouldn’t have been allowed to date her. That woman has an iron grip on her family, and no one will stand up to her.”
“Sounds like we should be feeling sorry for this Anne girl if she is going to have this woman for a mother-in-law,” Bella joked. “What happens when she decides she doesn’t like something that they are doing and butts into their life?”
“I have had many conversations with Everett and Anne about that very subject, and he insists that as soon as he can get out of her house, he won’t let her in his life anymore. That isn’t the biggest problem right now, though . . . ”
“Maybe he is just feeling guilty about not going on a mission,” Bella cut in. “Maybe that is why he doesn’t feel worthy.”
Tara thought about that, and wished she could believe that could be the problem. “I think it is more serious than that,” she sighed. “I think he and Dom may have something in common. I can’t really put my finger on it, but there is something about the way Everett talks to me or acts around me that makes me think of Dom. He told me he doesn’t have sexual feelings for Anne, and that he is struggling with the fact that he never had a loving male figure in his life and the older he gets the more he just wants to be held and loved by a strong, protective male. He insists he is not gay, but he was the one to bring the word up, so I know he has at least considered it. He has confided in me a lot, and doesn’t want me to say anything to Anne until he can figure everything out, but I thought if I could talk to Dom or someone who knows him, you could reassure me that I am just imagining things. Instead, I am just more convinced that there might be something to worry about.”
“Gills, sometimes one plus one doesn’t add up to two. Don’t freak out yet, K? I didn’t mean to make things worse. Maybe your friend just isn’t ready to get married and he is just looking for a reason to put it off. Maybe he’s afraid Anne will turn out like his mother. Maybe he just needs to find a father figure he can look up to and learn how to be a good husband and father. Or maybe he is gay. No matter what happens, though, you can’t do anything about it. He has to figure it out on his own.” With the sound of a horn in the background, Bella explained that she was supposed to take her father to the store. “Before you go, you just have to tell me. Why were you half naked that day in the basement?”
“That’s a secret I will take to my grave,” Tara swore, “but I promise it had nothing to do with sex.” Then she hung up the phone before Bella could get the truth out of her.
.....................................................................................
“If anyone ever found out what happened that night, I would die of embarrassment". It was hard enough admitting to Dom that she had gotten a tattoo on her back without her parents permission, but then her shirt had somehow gotten fused with the scab. In trying to free herself, she had made her back bleed, A LOT, and panicked. Dom was trying to help her clean up and put some Neosporin on it, but her shirt kept getting in the way, so she just took it off and held it over her chest. When Bella came down the stairs, she was so busy trying to hide the tattoo that she forgot to keep her chest covered. Dom, in the panic of the moment, threw his hands across her chest. Of course, they both just looked more guilty, and although they swore they weren’t doing anything sexual, they wouldn’t tell anyone what was really going on. "I wonder what my future husband will think when he sees the E.T. permanently attached to my back? What a silly thing to do.”
.....................................................................................
The next morning, just as Tara was about to ask Everett if they could have a serious talk, he hugged her and said, “Tar’ I don’t know how to thank you! After I talked to you last night, I prayed a lot and went to see the bishop again, and after I told him everything, he said some things that made me feel a lot better.”
“What do you mean ‘everything’?”, Tara asked. “Did you tell him about the football player thing?”
“Yes, everything. I told him how I am afraid of Anne turning out like my mom, how I miss having a male figure in my life, how I have no desire to fornicate with Anne, and all the rest of the things that have been worrying me. He said he understood why I would be questioning my worthiness, if I have been dealing with all that. He asked me about a mission again, but also told me that my mother has already informed him that if I go on a mission, she will stop going to church, so he understands why I am reluctant to go. He told me to pray about the mission, and also about marrying Anne, and get back to him next week.” He threw his arms in the air and shouted, “I feel so much better!”
Tara looked at all the students getting off their buses who were startled by the outburst, and said, “I am glad you are feeling better. Just don’t get yourself committed to Blackfoot South before you have a chance to propose. You are scaring the children.”
Everett looked at the other students and laughed, then asked Tara to walk to their lockers with him.
“I bought this before Christmas, intending to ask Anne on Valentines Day,” he said, showing Tara a gorgeous wedding set, “but when Bryan proposed to Shelley in January, everyone was so excited I didn’t want to steal their thunder. Besides, at that time I wasn’t really sure I should get married. Now I am ready to ask her, I have the ring, and I just need to come up with the perfect setting. Do you think it would be too hokey if I proposed on the old roller coaster when we go to Lagoon for our senior trip?”
Tara laughed and reminded him that Anne hated roller coasters. “Maybe you should talk to Jan. She would know better than anyone what scenario Anne has imagined in her head. Every woman has planned that moment down to the last second, knowing that no man could read her mind, but hoping that he does it right.”
“Maybe you are right. Definitely not the roller coaster. How about the water slide at Downey, then?”, he joked, then ducked to avoid the backpack Tara was swinging at his head.
.....................................................................................
To Tara’s surprise, Jan said Anne dreamed of being proposed to on the chair lift at the ski resort they had visited during Christmas vacation. Everett couldn’t arrange that in the middle of summer, so he compromised by proposing on the Sky Tram at Lagoon. He secretly gave everyone in their class a note, telling them to be watching at two o’clock. It seemed the whole park was at a standstill for a few minutes, waiting, then when she said yes, they all started screaming and whistling and clapping so loud that Anne nearly fell out of the chair.
.....................................................................................
They were married on Christmas Eve. Riley Joe was born in August, followed by Samuel in January, a year and a half later. Everyone thought their life was perfect, and Tara almost forgot the conversations she had with Everett and Bella until years later when Anne had her first heart attack. Her illness seemed to break the dam of feelings Everett had been denying. He moved out and filed for divorce before she had even left the hospital.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Too Close to the Fire
How did we get here?
This place so like the old one?
We are different somehow
Yet so many feelings are the same.
It is as if no time has passed,
While we grew older, and farther apart
We see each other as we were
Back when we really weren't seeing each other at all
Our eyes were full of stars in a rose-colored world
Everyone else was invisible
We heard only what we wanted to hear
Now our eyes and ears are painfully open
We've seen and heard the best and worst life has to offer
The easy thing to do is hide behind indifference
Pretend not to care what happens to us
And yet here we are
Still drawn to the flame that consumed and burned us
We both feel the heat it gives off
Both drawn for different reasons
One needing the comfort that warmth can bring
The other drawn by the brightness it brings to a dark world
One careless move, a small fall, a thoughtless action
One mistake can put us both in the ashes of a dead fire
2001
This place so like the old one?
We are different somehow
Yet so many feelings are the same.
It is as if no time has passed,
While we grew older, and farther apart
We see each other as we were
Back when we really weren't seeing each other at all
Our eyes were full of stars in a rose-colored world
Everyone else was invisible
We heard only what we wanted to hear
Now our eyes and ears are painfully open
We've seen and heard the best and worst life has to offer
The easy thing to do is hide behind indifference
Pretend not to care what happens to us
And yet here we are
Still drawn to the flame that consumed and burned us
We both feel the heat it gives off
Both drawn for different reasons
One needing the comfort that warmth can bring
The other drawn by the brightness it brings to a dark world
One careless move, a small fall, a thoughtless action
One mistake can put us both in the ashes of a dead fire
2001
Tara, Misu & Their Just Desserts (Ch. 5)
Tara snapped back to the present to hear Allen saying, “Are you still there?”
“Yes, Allen. Of course I remember you. It was you who broke my heart though. You got married and I had to hear about it from Anne. That’s old news, though. What are you doing in Salt Lake? Much less, in Anne’s hospital room?”
“I moved here right after Kirsten and I were married,” he said. “Where are you living now?”
“I haven’t moved very far from home. I am only a couple blocks from campus here in Rexburg. Who is Kirsten? I thought your wife’s name was Teresa or something like that.”
“Tery, Teresa, and I divorced almost seven years ago. We both knew almost from the beginning that our marriage was doomed, but we held on for almost eight years. At least we didn’t have any kids to fight over when it ended, so it was over with pretty quickly. Anne told me you got married shortly after I did. Was it ‘what’s his name’? Do you have any kids?”
It was Tara’s turn to admit failure. “No, I didn’t marry Roland, if that is who you mean. I was married to a guy named Dan Feltz for almost four years, and our son Patrick was almost a year old when we divorced. Dan never wanted children, and when we found out I was pregnant, it was the beginning of the end. I didn’t trick him into it. We were trying to get pregnant, but when it finally worked, he got scared and accused me of having an affair. I just don’t think he was ready to be a father.”
“ That was one of the things that drove us apart.” Allen said. “ I wanted children desperately, and Tery led me to believe she wanted them too, but after we had been married for almost a year with no results, I ran across her birth control pills under the sink in the spare bathroom. When I confronted her about it, she said she ‘didn’t want to be tied down and if I really loved her, I wouldn’t force her to have children’. I gave in, and got a vasectomy, but I resented it for the next seven years. The clincher was when she ended up pregnant. It seems she had this “friend” at work that she did want children with.”
“So how did you meet Kirsten? How long have you known her?” Tara asked.
“I was stationed in Germany, and she was one of the locals who worked in the commissary. I ended up staying after my tour was up, and we got married a year ago.
Then my mom and dad moved to St. George and I decided to move to Utah to be closer to them,” he explained. Then as if he had just realized what she had said in the beginning, he asked, “What do you mean I broke your heart by getting married? You were the first one to stop writing. I thought you went back to that guy who broke your heart.”
“I did go to Arizona that summer, with high hopes of proving he could trust me so he would stop testing my love, but I figured out really fast that he would never change and I had changed. After that Christmas, I couldn’t settle for the way things had been before. I wanted someone who would make me feel the way you had.”
“Then why didn’t you keep in touch?” Allen asked. “I just assumed you had gotten back with him and didn’t need me in the way. I convinced myself that I had imagined the connection between us. I even went back through your old letters and realized that you were writing like I was a friend, which was not the way I felt about you.”
Before he had even stopped talking, Tara was in tears. She wanted to say, {I read every one of your letters over and over trying to convince myself that when you signed them ‘With love’ or called me ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘My Love’, that you just talk that way to everyone. You know, how your mother was always calling me ‘Honey’? I even asked Anne what she thought about us ever getting together, and she reminded me that you weren’t going to get serious about anyone until after your mission. I wouldn’t let myself believe you meant all those things the way they were written, because I was afraid to get my hopes up. When I would write back, I didn’t want to sound like I was lovesick or something, because then if you didn’t feel the same way, you would be uncomfortable.} but instead she just said, “I thought you were going to go on a mission before you got serious, so I didn’t want to make it harder for you to go. I had a passionate letter in my head. I just never sent it.”
He laughed, then got serious again. “I never went on a mission. I don’t know if you realized that. T.K. was killed in a motorcycle accident right after I put in my papers, and I ended up staying home to help my parents. I always meant to go later, but it never happened. I joined the Army instead.”
“You sound happy, though. I’m glad,” Tara said. “I guess it’s a little too late, but I did love you a lot, and your letters made my day. If we could go back in time, I would do things differently, but we can’t, so I am glad you have found someone.” Then to change the subject, she asked, “How is Anne doing? I am glad you are there to see her. I wish I could get down there more often, but with Patrick in school and Shali in the terrible two’s, I have a hard time going to the store, much less three hours away.”
“So who’s Shali?” Allen asked. “You mentioned Patrick, but did you have a daughter with Dan too? Or did you remarry?”
Tara answered with a bit of sarcasm. “The answers are ‘my daughter’, ‘yes’, and ‘yes’, but Shali isn’t from my second marriage.”
Allen laughed, “Now I’m confused. Shali is your daughter, you had a daughter with Dan, and you remarried, but you divorced Dan a long time ago.” He paused, then got excited. “Okay, I get it. You remarried Dan, right?”
“Remember I said Shalimar wasn’t from my second marriage,” she teased him. “ I was married to a guy named Jake Benson for a couple of years. Shalimar was a surprise that came to me after a one night stand with Dan a year after I divorced Jake. To make a long story short, he was acting like the kind of father I wanted for our son, and the kind of companion I wanted for me. I began to think we could finally work things out, and one night I trusted him enough to let him stay longer than I should have. He used some threats and promises against me to get what he wanted, then I kicked him out for good. Then six and a half months later, I thought I felt a kick in my stomach, went to the doctor, and Shalimar was on her way. She truly was a miracle, because Dan and I both thought we weren’t capable of having any more children. I haven’t regretted having her for a second. I am glad she and Patrick have the same father, but I sometimes wish their father wasn’t Dan.” She laughed, and went on. “He has been more of a father figure to them both since Shali was born, but he has had more chances to be abusive to me. I am really getting tired of dealing with him.”
“Sounds a little like Annie’s ex. Did you realize he won’t let her boys come see her?” Allen asked. “Not only does he take advantage of the fact that she is sick, but he seems to want to punish her for being sick. That makes me sick!”
Tara laughed at his play on words, then said, “I still have a hard time believing how Everett has turned out. He was the ideal man for her in high school. Or at least I thought so at the time. He was comfortable doing whatever we were doing. Not like most guys. Maybe that should have been our first clue, huh?” Tara knew more than she was saying, and debated telling Allen how close she and Everett had actually become, but decided it wasn’t the right time to go into it.
Allen was saying, “I don’t even care what his sexual orientation is. I am really liberal. What I have a problem with is men who walk on their hands.” When Tara didn’t seem to get the joke, he went on. “You know, so instead of seeing their faces, you just see an a. . . . ”
Tara cut him off with her laughter and said, “Whoa, I get it. You don’t have to get specific.” Then she teased, ” The Army must have taught you a lot of pretty words like that. I remember you getting a dirty look from your mother for just saying ‘gosh dang’ or something like that.”
Allen said, “I better go. They are bringing Annie back, and she looks like she is sleeping pretty soundly. I will leave a note telling her you called, and if I am here when she calls back, maybe we can chat some more.”
Tara hung up, and started thinking about Everett Lake. She still had a hard time thinking of the man Anne dated in high school being the same one who was making her life miserable now.
“Yes, Allen. Of course I remember you. It was you who broke my heart though. You got married and I had to hear about it from Anne. That’s old news, though. What are you doing in Salt Lake? Much less, in Anne’s hospital room?”
“I moved here right after Kirsten and I were married,” he said. “Where are you living now?”
“I haven’t moved very far from home. I am only a couple blocks from campus here in Rexburg. Who is Kirsten? I thought your wife’s name was Teresa or something like that.”
“Tery, Teresa, and I divorced almost seven years ago. We both knew almost from the beginning that our marriage was doomed, but we held on for almost eight years. At least we didn’t have any kids to fight over when it ended, so it was over with pretty quickly. Anne told me you got married shortly after I did. Was it ‘what’s his name’? Do you have any kids?”
It was Tara’s turn to admit failure. “No, I didn’t marry Roland, if that is who you mean. I was married to a guy named Dan Feltz for almost four years, and our son Patrick was almost a year old when we divorced. Dan never wanted children, and when we found out I was pregnant, it was the beginning of the end. I didn’t trick him into it. We were trying to get pregnant, but when it finally worked, he got scared and accused me of having an affair. I just don’t think he was ready to be a father.”
“ That was one of the things that drove us apart.” Allen said. “ I wanted children desperately, and Tery led me to believe she wanted them too, but after we had been married for almost a year with no results, I ran across her birth control pills under the sink in the spare bathroom. When I confronted her about it, she said she ‘didn’t want to be tied down and if I really loved her, I wouldn’t force her to have children’. I gave in, and got a vasectomy, but I resented it for the next seven years. The clincher was when she ended up pregnant. It seems she had this “friend” at work that she did want children with.”
“So how did you meet Kirsten? How long have you known her?” Tara asked.
“I was stationed in Germany, and she was one of the locals who worked in the commissary. I ended up staying after my tour was up, and we got married a year ago.
Then my mom and dad moved to St. George and I decided to move to Utah to be closer to them,” he explained. Then as if he had just realized what she had said in the beginning, he asked, “What do you mean I broke your heart by getting married? You were the first one to stop writing. I thought you went back to that guy who broke your heart.”
“I did go to Arizona that summer, with high hopes of proving he could trust me so he would stop testing my love, but I figured out really fast that he would never change and I had changed. After that Christmas, I couldn’t settle for the way things had been before. I wanted someone who would make me feel the way you had.”
“Then why didn’t you keep in touch?” Allen asked. “I just assumed you had gotten back with him and didn’t need me in the way. I convinced myself that I had imagined the connection between us. I even went back through your old letters and realized that you were writing like I was a friend, which was not the way I felt about you.”
Before he had even stopped talking, Tara was in tears. She wanted to say, {I read every one of your letters over and over trying to convince myself that when you signed them ‘With love’ or called me ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘My Love’, that you just talk that way to everyone. You know, how your mother was always calling me ‘Honey’? I even asked Anne what she thought about us ever getting together, and she reminded me that you weren’t going to get serious about anyone until after your mission. I wouldn’t let myself believe you meant all those things the way they were written, because I was afraid to get my hopes up. When I would write back, I didn’t want to sound like I was lovesick or something, because then if you didn’t feel the same way, you would be uncomfortable.} but instead she just said, “I thought you were going to go on a mission before you got serious, so I didn’t want to make it harder for you to go. I had a passionate letter in my head. I just never sent it.”
He laughed, then got serious again. “I never went on a mission. I don’t know if you realized that. T.K. was killed in a motorcycle accident right after I put in my papers, and I ended up staying home to help my parents. I always meant to go later, but it never happened. I joined the Army instead.”
“You sound happy, though. I’m glad,” Tara said. “I guess it’s a little too late, but I did love you a lot, and your letters made my day. If we could go back in time, I would do things differently, but we can’t, so I am glad you have found someone.” Then to change the subject, she asked, “How is Anne doing? I am glad you are there to see her. I wish I could get down there more often, but with Patrick in school and Shali in the terrible two’s, I have a hard time going to the store, much less three hours away.”
“So who’s Shali?” Allen asked. “You mentioned Patrick, but did you have a daughter with Dan too? Or did you remarry?”
Tara answered with a bit of sarcasm. “The answers are ‘my daughter’, ‘yes’, and ‘yes’, but Shali isn’t from my second marriage.”
Allen laughed, “Now I’m confused. Shali is your daughter, you had a daughter with Dan, and you remarried, but you divorced Dan a long time ago.” He paused, then got excited. “Okay, I get it. You remarried Dan, right?”
“Remember I said Shalimar wasn’t from my second marriage,” she teased him. “ I was married to a guy named Jake Benson for a couple of years. Shalimar was a surprise that came to me after a one night stand with Dan a year after I divorced Jake. To make a long story short, he was acting like the kind of father I wanted for our son, and the kind of companion I wanted for me. I began to think we could finally work things out, and one night I trusted him enough to let him stay longer than I should have. He used some threats and promises against me to get what he wanted, then I kicked him out for good. Then six and a half months later, I thought I felt a kick in my stomach, went to the doctor, and Shalimar was on her way. She truly was a miracle, because Dan and I both thought we weren’t capable of having any more children. I haven’t regretted having her for a second. I am glad she and Patrick have the same father, but I sometimes wish their father wasn’t Dan.” She laughed, and went on. “He has been more of a father figure to them both since Shali was born, but he has had more chances to be abusive to me. I am really getting tired of dealing with him.”
“Sounds a little like Annie’s ex. Did you realize he won’t let her boys come see her?” Allen asked. “Not only does he take advantage of the fact that she is sick, but he seems to want to punish her for being sick. That makes me sick!”
Tara laughed at his play on words, then said, “I still have a hard time believing how Everett has turned out. He was the ideal man for her in high school. Or at least I thought so at the time. He was comfortable doing whatever we were doing. Not like most guys. Maybe that should have been our first clue, huh?” Tara knew more than she was saying, and debated telling Allen how close she and Everett had actually become, but decided it wasn’t the right time to go into it.
Allen was saying, “I don’t even care what his sexual orientation is. I am really liberal. What I have a problem with is men who walk on their hands.” When Tara didn’t seem to get the joke, he went on. “You know, so instead of seeing their faces, you just see an a. . . . ”
Tara cut him off with her laughter and said, “Whoa, I get it. You don’t have to get specific.” Then she teased, ” The Army must have taught you a lot of pretty words like that. I remember you getting a dirty look from your mother for just saying ‘gosh dang’ or something like that.”
Allen said, “I better go. They are bringing Annie back, and she looks like she is sleeping pretty soundly. I will leave a note telling her you called, and if I am here when she calls back, maybe we can chat some more.”
Tara hung up, and started thinking about Everett Lake. She still had a hard time thinking of the man Anne dated in high school being the same one who was making her life miserable now.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Empty Places in my Heart
At times like these, I wonder...Why does God let bad things happen to good people? While rapists, child molesters, and other "bad" people get away with their crimes and live out their lives? Why does he take the young, healthy ones with wives to support, children to feed snd their whole lives in front of them while he allows the frail, weak, suffering older people to linger for years, praying to die.
Some people would say "It's destiny" or part of "The Plan", as if that can really comfort the ones left to grieve.
It's like someone came along and chopped off one of your legs. Maybe some people are better able to overcome, and soon they are hopping around on one leg like they were born that way. Others need a crutch, and get around pretty good. Still others confine themselves to a wheelchair and just give up. No two people react the same, and no matter what kind of person we are, we all have to grieve in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to set those limits for us.
Some religions teach about life after death an think that will ease the pain. I do believe in eternal life, but that doesn't erase the pain of going on for years without them, waiting for a "reunion in heaven".
Sometimes I wonder...Why work so hard at living, when any day it could end and you were only half-finished?
Then I look into a child's face, and for a moment, forget the pain. And I hope, little by little, day by day, year by rear, I'll see enough beauty in the world that one day, I won't feel the loss so much anymore.
1997
Some people would say "It's destiny" or part of "The Plan", as if that can really comfort the ones left to grieve.
It's like someone came along and chopped off one of your legs. Maybe some people are better able to overcome, and soon they are hopping around on one leg like they were born that way. Others need a crutch, and get around pretty good. Still others confine themselves to a wheelchair and just give up. No two people react the same, and no matter what kind of person we are, we all have to grieve in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to set those limits for us.
Some religions teach about life after death an think that will ease the pain. I do believe in eternal life, but that doesn't erase the pain of going on for years without them, waiting for a "reunion in heaven".
Sometimes I wonder...Why work so hard at living, when any day it could end and you were only half-finished?
Then I look into a child's face, and for a moment, forget the pain. And I hope, little by little, day by day, year by rear, I'll see enough beauty in the world that one day, I won't feel the loss so much anymore.
1997
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