The Heat of Winter

Hiding & waiting,
Hoping I see him before he sees me.
I love the times I can watch him,
Being himself, with nothing held back.
I remember last night,
Watching him through my window,
Hoping to catch his eye,
My heart beating so fast,
I was sure I would die right there,
Glad the last thing I would see
Was him, now smiling at me,
Whispering, "I love you"
I opened the door and invited him in,
He walked to the doorway,
Sadly shook his head,
Leaned toward me,
Whispered, "Good night",
And walked away.

I see him now,
Twenty-four hours later,
Trying to spot my red coat
Among all the others.
He disappears from my sight,
I take a step forward,
Just as he comes from behind,
Grabs me around the waist,
And makes me scream with delight.
With his mouth on my ear,
He softly whispers,
"Can I keep you?"
While I am thinking,
"Never let me go."
The others surround us,
Telling us to get a room,
But in our hearts
We are already "home".
            4/28/12

The Unbeliever

She stands just outside the door,
Hoping if she waits long enough,
He will turn around and invite her in.
As the door closes behind him,
She holds his image in her mind,
As she slowly walks away
Holding her heart in her throat.
If only she had been more sure;
Been able to trust his love;
Told him he was all she needed.
Instead, she held back just a little,
Always keeping that one piece
Tied up in a corner of her heart.
Just enough to keep her safe
In case he was like the rest.
Now, she almost laughs,
Thinking of how that piece
She held so tightly,
Thinking it would make her safe,
Was now just as bruised and broken
As the rest of her.
She reaches the street,
Takes one more look back,
Before she turns a corner,
And says goodbye.
            4/28/12

Remember...No More

I remember his gaze locked on mine, a little shiver, the urge, scared to move
I also remember a head start, just a tiny one, he might catch me
I remember the day he held a gun to my heart and pulled the trigger

I remember thinking bad things don't happen to good people
I also remember I did nothing wrong, but bad things happened anyway
I remember the day even Christ, who was perfect, suffered, for me and for you

I remember thinking I'll never love another, the way I loved him
I also remember that moment I knew his secret
I remember everything was just a little darker after that

I remember the women we thought would throw themselves in your grave
I also remember saying I would just say goodbye and walk away
I remember feeling like a part of me died, robbed of the last word, forgiveness

I remember the baby food, Cindy Brady, quick kisses by my locker
I also remember karaoke, taramisu, and BALD honesty
I remember letting go while I wanted to scream, "Come back!!!!"

I remember how much it hurt, the worst days of my life
I also remember not wanting to remember; holding pain makes it real
I remember the Light growing brighter, I opened my eyes, and found you
                                               4/15/12

Too Much is Just Enough

I see him moving toward me

Intent on weeding out all the flaws

I am in pain, but trying to do my part

Hoping to keep up to his pace

I'm watching the way he works

So careful not to leave any trace

Of the things preventing new growth

I am doing my best, wanting to keep up

Yet caught up in watching the way

He so humbly does his part

Then does my part too

While I enjoy just being near him

Again he is right beside me

Close enough for me to feel his warmth

And sigh over the way he smells

Trying to think of what to say

To get his attention

Only to lose my chance

Because he has looked outside himself

Giving his attention to the one

God blessed with a child-like innocence

I long to be like that

Seeing the world with no filters

Looking outside myself

He gives me his number

I feel a leap of hope

One phone call leads to more

He shares his deepest thoughts and feelings

While I marvel at his strength

He tells me he has been damaged

While I only see the perfection he is

He is like a memory I didn't even know I had

Until he opened a door to his past

Giving me a feeling of deja vu

Like I knew him and loved him before

Leaving me searching my memory for more

He is so much; more than enough

Making sparks just by being himself

Everytime I hear his voice or see his smile

It washes over and through me like a wave or current

Making me feel so alive

While bringing peace to my turbulent soul

He is more than I could imagine

When I dreamed of the man I desired

I am striving to better myself

Wanting so much to be worthy of him

His light shines forth like a beacon

I feel lucky to bask in it's glow

-19 Feb 2012-

Looking for Light & Knowledge

That feeling is there again
I look around, expecting to see the source
There must be something in the shadows
Waiting to sneak in when I am not looking
To tear apart my heart and leave me hurting
I can't see it, but I feel it all around me and inside me
The dread filling my stomach with a huge stone
The fear of the unknown swirling around in my head
The ache between my shoulder blades
Telling me I have been tense for too long

The silence is overwhelming
Too quiet
Too good to be true
Too peaceful to bring me peace
I am holding my breath
Waiting for the source of my dread to spring up
Like so many other times
I gave the key to my deepest part
Only to have it damaged
Leaving me to barricade myself against any feelings

Maybe this time it is just my imagination
Maybe the nightmares from my past are now only in the past
Maybe it is quiet because God has something to tell me
Maybe it is so true that it really is good
Maybe the peaceful feeling comes from the knowledge
That I am finally doing what I want
Being who I want
Showing my true self to the world
Loving life and sending love out to those around me
Expecting nothing and getting so much more than that

Can it really be that simple?
All I have to do is be still & let God's whispers be heard
The words of encouragement
Being drowned out by my endless questions
Why? When? How?
Always expecting the worst
When I already had the best right in front of me
And I was looking behind me
At something that was already gone
I just didn't realize it in time

I know I am ready to listen
I know whatever my future holds
Is determined by my ability to let go and let God
I may feel confused and lost
But God is beside me, and he knows where I am going
All I need to do is be like a child
Turning to him, reaching for his hand
Letting him lead me to wherever I need to be
Throwing away the candle I have been using
To be guided by the Everlasting Light

18 Feb 2012

In Grief Shall We Find Joy

I had a dream once…
I was on a beach, and the sand was just warm enough to dispel the cold wind.
I was walking on the edge, an occasional wave covering the tops of my feet
I was watching a child, keeping him in sight at all times
I didn’t recognize the child, but I knew I was responsible for him.
I turned to watch a father building a castle with his daughter,
Feeling contented with the knowledge that he loved her.
When I turned to look for the little boy, he was gone.
I ran, frantically looking all around me, afraid he was gone forever.
Then just as I was ready to collapse on the sand in despair
I saw his head, barely visible above a vendor’s shack.
I ran to him, gathering him in my arms, so happy to have found him.
Suddenly I realized he was made of sand, & was slipping through my fingers.
I tried desperately to squeeze my fingers together
Hoping to hold on to even a few grains of him, but knowing he was lost.
I stood there and cried, feeling so guilty that I had not done my job.
As my vision became blurred by my tears, I saw a man
Walking along, picking up a handful of sand here and there
As if there were only certain shades and textures he was seeking.
I followed him, trying to figure out what he was doing
Asking what he was planning to create.
He answered me with a smile, holding out a handful of sand
I saw what he held, and dropped to my knees in gratitude
For in his hand was the one who was lost, shaped and molded with my tears.

Looking Forward to Goodbye

I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in again.
We laugh alot and share our dreams
Always at a slight distance
Close enough, but never quite touching
I meet him over and over through his blog
Seeing pictures in my mind of who he is
Who he was, who he is going to be
Learning his secrets
By unraveling past, present, and future
In little bite-sized morsels
Every day brings another discovery
Another reason for me to rush to his door
I say hello, and he moves aside
Letting me in
I love him, love my time with him
Love every moment in his presence
Then the time comes to say goodbye
I slowly make my way to the door
Just as I am feeling
I am leaving my heart behind
Thinking of too many hours in between
He moves closer, we hug, and...
Well... I look forward to goodbye