After Tara had tried everything she could think of to get Roland back, from professing her love, to begging, to even threatening to kill herself, he still stayed with Jess. Tara’s family and friends tried everything to convince her to move on. Roland’s aunt even tried to convince her that Roland had a lot of problems that he needed to resolve before he could ever be a good boyfriend or husband to anyone. Tara was inconsolable. Finally, at the semester break, just before Christmas, Roland’s aunt sent him back to live with his father. It seems Jess’s parents didn’t think he was the right guy for her, and asked Ms. Michaels to ‘do something about the situation’. Tara sank deeper into a depression, and in hopes of lifting her spirits, Anne suggested she go to the Parkinson family party in Salt Lake between Christmas and New Years.
“We always go shopping for after-Christmas bargains the first day, then go to the party that night,” Anne explained. “Then the second day the teenagers all go skiing or go to “The Galleria” or something while the parents and younger kids go to the zoo or stay at the motel swimming & playing games. I always have a lot of fun, even though some of my cousins can really get on my nerves.”
Tara wasn’t sure she could enjoy anything ever again, but to be polite, she said she would think about it. “I just don’t think your family is going to want me around. I am not exactly the most fun person to be around right now. I just wouldn’t feel like doing anything.”
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Anne was insistent, and practically packed Tara’s bags for her and dragged her out to the van the day after Christmas.
“How was your Christmas?” Anne’s mom, Susan, asked after everyone was settled in the van and well on the way to Salt Lake.
Tara looked up from her V.C. Andrews book and replied, “It was okay. My mom worked the grave yard shift the night before, so we all got up early to open presents, then everyone had to stay quiet so she could get some sleep. We mostly just sat around watching movies and reading all day.” Tara had learned she could talk about anything with Anne’s family, so she went on. “ My dad didn’t come home for Christmas Eve, and wasn’t back yet even this morning.”
President Parkinson glanced at her in the rearview mirror and asked, “Do you have any idea where he is? Could he have had an accident or something?”
Tara wasn’t sure how much she should say because Anne’s dad was still her Stake President, but she decided the truth, or what she thought was the truth, was the best policy.
“I saw his pickup in front of the Angelo house yesterday. He has been helping them remodel John’s room above the garage, and sometimes he stays too late and doesn’t want to drive back into town.” At this, Tara paused to consider how to continue. “Sometimes he stays there all weekend, but when I drive by, there are a lot of cars and no one seems to be working.”
Pres. Parkinson rubbed the back of his neck, and pulled on his ear to get some idea of what to say to Tara. He suspected that Tara was worried about what everyone in town was thinking when they saw her father’s pickup in front of the Angelo’s. He also knew that very subject had come up in the last meeting he had with Bishop Royal. At the time, he assumed that the rumors about it being a “drug house” were probably just rumors, but hearing Tara’s fears made him think maybe the Angelo family was not as law-abiding as he thought. Anne, Jan and Tara knew John from school, and they may know more about his family habits than the adults in the community. On many occasions, one of his daughters had alerted him to a death, birth, or abuse situation in his stake before the Relief Society President or Bishop had a chance to. He enjoyed answering their calls with something like, "7 lbs., 6 oz. right?” before they had a chance to say anything. Some people in the stake would often joke that he was the most inspired man they had ever met because “God” was telling him who he was sending or retrieving “practically before he did it“. What they didn’t realize was that teenage girls were natural gossips, and if used for good, were a good source to find out the needs of the families in his Stake.
“Tara, I think we each should talk to your father before jumping to conclusions, but I do think you have every right to worry about how it looks.”
At this, Tara immediately sunk down in her seat, and silent tears began rolling down her cheeks.
Pres. Parkinson went on. “At least we know where he is. I will never forget the call I got from your mother two years ago.” He reached out to put his hand on his wife’s knee, “ I was still having a hard time dealing with the loss of our son, and your mother’s voice screaming ‘I can’t find Donald anywhere!’ sliced right through me. I was so afraid it would be an unhappy ending when we found his bike next to the gravel pit. When he wandered out of the trees, zipping up his pants, I think your mother was ready to put him up for adoption right then and there.”
Tara laughed at the memory of her brother coming out of the trees to find the whole neighborhood rushing toward him. “He started crying because he thought he was in trouble for peeing in the woods. When he saw Mom crying, he ran to her and promised never to use the bathroom outside again if Sheriff Perch wouldn’t arrest him. My mom was so relieved to find him safe, and it was so funny, she went into hysterics. We still tease her about the way her nose wiggles when she laughs too hard.”
Everyone in the car laughed along with her, and the conversations in the van turned to more pleasant things for the next two hours.
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As soon as everyone was settled in at the motel, Anne asked if she and Tara could shop alone.
“I don’t mind, as long as you check in with us on a regular basis,” her mother and father said almost in unison.
As Anne and Tara both laughed and gathered their purses, Mrs. Parkinson gave Anne some money, and said, “I want you to spend at least half of this to get birthday gifts for the next year. Don’t worry about mine, just make sure you get for your siblings, and your father. “
While they were walking toward the ZCMI mall, Tara couldn’t help thinking to herself, “If Anne’s family has enough money to buy a whole year’s worth of gifts, and still have some left, they must be a lot better off than I thought. I wish I had just one-tenth of what they have. Anne has loving, nurturing parents, she has her own room, and she and Jan have a car they only have to share with each other. Just the fact that they can afford to stay in a motel room for two nights in Salt Lake City after driving here in a van, and still have money to shop in the mall amazes me. I wonder why some people seem to have all the luck, and others struggle all their lives to get nothing?”
Just as Tara was starting to really feel sorry for herself, Anne yelled, “Hey Allen! Wait up!”
She started running toward a guy standing in front of the south gate of the temple grounds. Tara had a hard time keeping up, and by the time she got to them, Anne was hugging some guy with white hair and gorgeous blue eyes. Tara secretly hoped this guy was related to Anne, mostly so she could have him for herself, and so she would have a chance to get to know him over the next couple of days.
When he spoke, it was with a slight southern accent. “Who’ve ya got here, Annie? I’ve never had the pleasure have I?”
Tara smiled and held out her hand to introduce herself. “I am Anne’s friend, Tara Gilbert. We were just going shopping.” She blushed and couldn’t seem to get her mind or tongue to work. She was sure he thought she was a spaz or something. She walked to the gate and pretended to be interested in the old chapel while Anne and Allen were catching up on family gossip.
“I wasn’t sure you guys were going to be able to come this year. Didn’t Terence Keith get into trouble or something?” Anne asked.
“He ended up with community service and my parents had to pay for all the damages.” He looked at Tara and explained how his brother had been visiting his girlfriend, and they got into a fight, so he decided to “borrow” a pickup from the neighbor to get home. “He actually thought it would be okay to just leave the pickup in a parking lot near our home and call the owner to let him know where he left it. The problem is that T.K. is barely 16 and hasn’t driven much, so he ended sliding into a railroad transformer before he even got out of town. At that point he knew he was in trouble, so he just wanted to get home. He ended up wrecking two more cars before he gave up and went back to his girlfriend’s house. The police followed his footprints from the first vehicle he wrecked because he decided to cut across the field right there instead of going around the block. They probably would have never caught him if he hadn’t walked right past the evidence.”
They all three laughed and started walking toward the Crossroads Mall across the street. Tara had never been to the malls in Salt Lake before, so she was anxious to get inside. As they approached the doors, Allen jumped in front of her to open the door.
“M`ladies,” he said with a sweep of his hand. “Ma raised a gentleman.”
Anne laughed and replied, “You never opened a door for me in our life. In fact, if I remember right, I still have a few scars from the time you slammed my fingers in the door.”
She turned to Tara and whispered, “I think he likes you.”
Allen said, “She is just jealous because I was born 10 days before her and all the grandparents loved me first.”
“Your birthday is May 9th?” Tara asked. “I seem to be surrounded by May birthdays. My uncle is on the 2nd, you on the 9th, Roland on the 13th, Anne and Jan on the 19th, my father and Beth are on the 20th, my cousin on the 22nd, and my baby sister B.C. is on the 23rd.”
Allen asked what B.C. stood for, but at the thought of Roland, Tara had become a little depressed again and didn’t even hear the question. She realized that she found Allen attractive and hadn’t even thought about Roland for at least four hours. She didn’t know whether she felt guilty for actually feeling happy for a little while without him, or whether she felt guilty for putting her family, Roland’s family, Jess’s family, and Anne through so much heartache over someone she seemed to be able to get over the moment Allen appeared. She asked Anne where a bathroom was, and ran to it before she started crying.
A few moments later, Anne came in calling her name. “I told Allen to meet us downstairs at the food court. I didn’t tell him anything, but he pretty much figured out that you are upset about something. He is really worried.” She smiled wickedly and said, “I think you have knocked him for a loop, Tar’. He is always saying he will never get into a relationship before he finishes college, and he has been able to stay away from girls so well, that we began to wonder if he was gay or something.” Tara smiled a little as Anne went on. “He just told me he wants to take us out tomorrow night to see the lights on Temple Square and up to see the street where they tell the whole Christmas story from one house to the next. It is really pretty. I hope it is okay that I told him we would.”
Tara felt like she was betraying Roland, but she said, “I think that would be fun. I really like Allen. He seems like someone I could be friends with. Just friends, Anne. I still love Roland.”
With a knowing look, Anne just smiled and said, “Of course. I never said it had to be anything more than three friends going out for some fun.”
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Four hours later, while Allen helped them carry their bags back to the motel, Anne and Tara were comparing the two malls.
“I really like the Crossroads Mall better,” Tara was saying. “It has so many different stores, and there were even some I could afford there.”
“The dollar store in the ZCMI mall isn’t exactly expensive,” Anne shot back. “But I just like the ZCMI better because we go there more often, so I know how to get to the stores I like. I used to worry about getting lost in the Crossroads Mall.” Then she playfully slugged Tara’s shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, so I got lost,” Tara laughed. “ I can’t believe I couldn’t find my way out of that department store. I’ve never seen a three-story store. We went in on the second floor, so when I got separated from you on the third floor, I didn’t think about the fact we had gone up an escalator, then when I finally found the exit into the mall, none of the stores looked familiar because we hadn’t been on that floor yet.”
By this time Tara, Anne and Allen were all laughing so hard Allen had to set the bags down to catch his breath. “I can’t believe you ended up having us paged. Not even Annie’s overprotective parents have done that.”
“I heard that, Allen Ray Brent,” said his aunt Susan from behind them. “I seem to recall you paging your mom in the Kmart when you were 13 years old because you were too lazy to look for her. The lady said, ‘We have a lost child here at the service desk. What’s your name honey?’ before you told her ‘never mind’ and went to find your mother yourself.”
Anne and Tara were laughing so hard they nearly wet their pants. As soon as Anne could stop laughing, she said, “Mom, that was mean to tell that story in front of Tara. Allen has been trying to act so mature and sophisticated all day, and you just blew it for him.”
Tara just said, “That’s okay. I saw right through his act when he got on the rocking horse in the toy store. I think it is cute that he isn’t afraid to be himself, even if he is just a little boy in a man’s body.”
Anne and her mother exchanged knowing glances, and everyone went into their separate rooms to get ready for the party.
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While the men went to set up chairs at the Stake Center where they were holding the party, Anne, Jan, and their mother teased Tara about Allen. “I know how hard it has been dealing with your feelings for Roland, but liking Allen doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong.” Susan said. “This trip is only going to last a couple of days. You don’t have to marry Allen, just have some fun with someone of the opposite sex.”
Jan jumped in, “Yeah Tar’, if nothing else, you will learn that not all guys are jerks. Allen isn’t perfect by any means. He was quite mean to us when we were growing up. We usually wore our old worn out clothes at the family reunions so we wouldn’t get our good clothes stained. Allen would make fun of the holes in the knees and the fact that the younger boys wore hand-me-downs. Sometimes they would come straight from wrestling practice without showering, so Allen would comment on the fact that Idaho must not have modern plumbing. Or he would ride around on his dirt bike giving rides to everyone except us. I didn’t like him at all when we were younger.”
“Then I found out I had a heart problem,” Anne said. “and he was so nice to me after that. For awhile it just made me even madder at him. I didn’t want his pity.”
“Until we found out his best friend had one too, and somehow that made him look at us a little differently,” said Jan. “I guess we all realized that there are more important things than wearing the newest styles or who gets to ride the motorcycle more.”
“I’m not saying you should jump right into another relationship with Allen or anyone else at this point,” said Susan. “I just wish you could have some fun the next couple of days, and Allen is a good boy. He won’t play with your emotions the way your boy did. He just wants to get to know you a little better before he goes back to Tennessee and you go back to Idaho.”
“Did he say that?” Tara asked, a little too anxiously.
Anne laughed at her excitement and said, “He told me that he wishes he lived closer to Idaho. He tried to get me to give him your phone number and address, but I told him he had to ask you.”
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Tara met a lot of Anne’s relatives that night, but she kept her eyes on Allen all night. She couldn’t believe he could make her forget how depressed she was. She thought about Roland a few times during the night when someone would do or say something that reminded her of him, but most of the time it was negative memories, and by the next morning when Allen came to the door to invite Anne and her siblings to go skiing with him, Tara was already fantasizing about sitting in front of a fire in a ski lodge with him. She couldn’t wait to get up to the top so she could show Allen how good she was on the slopes. She had grown up near Grand Targhee, and took lessons from the time she could walk. Her parents couldn’t pay for them, but her friend Dominick’s dad worked there, so he taught her.
Unfortunately, the ski rental office was out of her size boot, so she had to get the next size bigger. By the time she reached the bottom of the hill for the third time, her feet were feeling very blistered. She decided to call it a day and went into the lodge for some hot cocoa.
Within five minutes, Allen came in and said, “I just don’t feel like skiing today. The hill is a little too soft in spots and it really throws me off.”
Tara pretended to believe him and asked if he wanted some of her cocoa to warm up.
He smiled wickedly and said, “I have a better idea,” as he put his hands down the back of her coat. They started wrestling around a little, tickling each other and getting snow off the bottom of their shoes to throw at each other.
When Anne and her brother Bart came around the corner of the lodge and found them out of breath, Anne gave Tara a knowing look, and Bart challenged Allen to a race down “Dead Man”.
The guys took off, and Anne started singing, “Tara and Allen sitting in a tree . . . ” like a little kid.
Tara didn’t care. She had never felt this happy in her life. Allen had a way of making her feel like a little kid inside, while bringing very grown-up feelings to the surface too. Tara was a little scared of those feelings because she knew they weren’t ever going to lead to anything except heartache. She had learned that the hard way.
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Anne was still teasing after they got back to the motel. Every little while she would bring up Allen and tell Tara things about his past. All the stories were about how honest he was or how compassionate, etc. Tara knew what Anne was trying to do, and she just kept pretending she wasn’t interested in anything more than having fun for a couple of days and going home. In her heart, though, Tara didn’t know how she was going to handle losing two guys in such a short time. She didn’t want to say goodbye to Allen the next day.
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At 7pm on the dot, Allen was waiting in the pickup to take Tara and Anne to Christmas Story Lane.
Anne suddenly said she was not feeling well, and told Tara not to disappoint Allen by backing out. Tara pretended to be mad, but secretly she was glad to have him to herself.
When she climbed in the passenger side door that Allen was holding open for her, she heard Eddie Rabbit singing “I Love a Rainy Night”.
“Oh no,” she thought, “not another guy who loves country.”
Her first boyfriend had been an Alabama fan, and she still heard the songs running through her head sometimes.
When Allen got in, he took the tape out and apologized. “My dad loves country. I forgot that was in there. I had something better in mind.”
He put in a tape with heavy metal ballads on it, but they didn’t sound like the original artists. Before Tara could ask about it, he told her, “ T.K. and his friends are trying to start a band, and this is a tape of them.” Tara was impressed. They weren’t as good as the groups that really sang the songs, but they sounded good.
“Bobby, Dennis and Mark all play instruments, so T.K. sings most of the songs, but when Bobby sings, he could bring tears to your eyes. He has a real gift. Have you heard of Aaron Neville? He sounds a lot like him.”
As they drove up through the avenues above Salt Lake, Tara listened to the group play everything from “Beth” to “Stairway to Heaven”. Somewhere along the way, Allen reached over and put her hand inside his. After they listened to the Christmas songs and saw all the displays, beginning with the angel coming to Mary and ending with the Wise Men kneeling to worship the Christ Child, Allen asked if she was hungry.
“I am starving!” Tara exclaimed, surprised that he hadn’t heard her stomach growling. “I haven’t eaten anything since the hot cocoa at the lodge.”
“I wanted to apologize for that,” Allen said. “Bart said it was a little forward of me to just put my hand down the back of your coat like that. He thinks you might have thought I was being a little too forward. If I offended you, I am sorry. I am just so used to wrestling around like that with my cousins and I forgot for a moment that you were practically a stranger.”
Tara removed her hand from his, and put her hand on his shoulder. “I wasn’t offended at all. I kinda liked it. I have learned how to take care of myself if I think a guy is moving too fast. I would have let you know if you were out of line.”
Allen reached up and took her hand in his again. “I am glad to hear you say that. There is just something about you that makes me feel like we have known each other forever. I have been very careful not to get attached to a girl before my mission and college, but I think I could get attached to you very easily. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since you ran into the bathroom yesterday. When I saw how hurt you looked, I hurt for you. “
He blushed a little, and changed the subject. “So, where would you like to eat? Money’s no object, as long as you don’t order anything more than $20.”
Tara laughed and told him she had never been to Salt Lake, so she didn’t know where to go. When she told him she liked pasta, his eyes lit up.
“I know the perfect place on Trolley Square. ‘The Spaghetti Factory’ is my favorite place to go when we come here. I was afraid you would say you wanted to go to Sizzler or something. I hate eating anything that bleeds.”
Tara had never heard it put that way before, but she agreed. “I hate meat too. I will eat a fast food burger once in a while, but only because I suspect they don’t use real meat.” She marveled at how much she was beginning to like Allen.
He was just beginning to be perfect in her eyes, when he said, “Remind me to check the timing belt when we get back to the motel. I think it is a little off.”
Tara joked, ”Are you a mechanic in your spare time or something?”
“Not yet, but I will be when I finish school,” he replied. “I have been helping my dad with his business for a few years now. I mostly do the body work and detailing right now, but I hope to have a business of my own someday. I painted this pickup myself. What do you think of the color? It’s called Ford Blue.”
While he was going on and on, obviously proud of himself, Tara couldn’t help thinking about the irony of him wanting to be a mechanic, just like Roland. “Beth is gonna love this,” she thought to herself.
The waitress was glad to see them go by the time they finished their meal. Allen started talking with a bad accent that was a cross between Pepe’ LePeu and Gomer Pyle, which got Tara laughing so hard she shot pop out through her nose. Then he told the waitress Tara was deaf, so ‘could she sign the menu for her‘. The waitress asked why she couldn’t just read the menu, and Allen whispered, “She is from Idaho; they don’t know how to read there.” Tara hit him, giving away the fact that she could hear him, and the waitress left without taking their order.
When they finally got their food, Allen asked if he could get some ‘catch up’ for his fettuccine. The waitress pointed out that there was marinara sauce on it, but Allen insisted that he liked it better with ‘catch up’. She said she would check on it, and as soon as she left, they started laughing again. She came back without any and Allen said, “That’s okay. I decided I would try it without, and you were right. It is good just like it is. Thank you.” To Tara, he said, “Wait until I take this home to Rufus. He loves the doggie bags I bring him.”
Tara started laughing again, and had to ask where the ladies room was. When she came back, Allen had paid the bill and was waiting for her. They went back to the motel to park the pickup and walked to Temple Square.
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The lights on Temple Square were the most beautiful display Tara had ever seen. Allen held her hand as they walked around and by the time they got back to the motel, he had his arm around her shoulders. At the door to her room, he hesitated before asking, “Would you mind if I kissed you?”
Tara put her arms around his neck and closed her eyes as he leaned down to put his lips to hers. He did it so gently, that Tara opened her eyes just a crack to make sure it wasn‘t just the wind. He started to straighten back up, then kissed her one more time, deeper this time. Tara could smell his cologne, mixed with the smell of fabric softener and garlic. She thought to herself, “This is what love smells like", then burst out laughing at how ridiculous that sounded in her head.
Allen, not sure what she was laughing about, took a step back and looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. She covered by saying she had just remembered the look on the waitress’s face when she hit him after his joke about Idaho.
“I think she almost believed you until then,” she said, as she burst into laughter again.
Allen just said, “I guess we better get to bed. My family is leaving around six in the morning. Can I have your address and phone number so we can keep in touch?”
Tara pulled out the pamphlet she had picked up on Temple Square to give her information to him, then got his address, too.
For the rest of the night, Tara laid awake next to Anne, reliving every moment with Allen.
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At five in the morning, she heard voices outside and went to watch Allen and his mother pack up and leave. She wanted to go out and say goodbye, but she was afraid Mrs. Brent would disapprove, so she just watched from the window as they pulled out of the parking lot, and whispered, “I love you, Allen.”
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Around 8:00, Anne’s family was ready to leave, and Grandma Parkinson gave Susan a wind sock with a wrestler on it. It was attached to a digger link and Susan cried when she saw it.
Grandma said, “ I saw this in St. George and thought of Lee. Please put it next to his stone for me.”
Susan said she would, then hugged her mother-in-law. “See you this summer for the reunion?” she asked.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she replied, smiling. “You drive carefully, Bryce. I worry about you driving on these roads during the winter.”
“I will, Ma. I can’t drive more than 20 miles without one of them wanting to stop anyway, so I don’t even get up to the speed limit,” he said, winking at his family.
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Just as they were driving through Layton, Tara got up the courage to say, “I moved to Sugar after Lee died. I have heard bits and pieces about the accident, but I don’t really know what happened.” She saw the pain on everyone’s faces, and quickly said, “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”
Jan was the first one to speak. “It was my fault.” When her family all chimed in with denials, she talked over them and explained. “I was hanging out with some kids from Fremont City, and the girl I was riding with got drunk. I hadn’t been drinking, but I didn’t have my license to drive after dark, so I was afraid to let her drive and afraid to drive myself. I called home, and Lee said he would come get me. As we were crossing Canyon Creek, a carload of my friends tried to pass us and sent us off the bridge.”
Susan took up the story. “ When the State Police came to the door, I knew something was wrong, but they insisted we wait for Bryce to get home.”
“In the meantime, I was returning from a District Conference and got detoured around an accident.” Pres. Parkinson said. “ I was hoping it wasn’t any of my stake members, so I tried to see past the emergency vehicles. The only car I could see was the Jeep Roy Stephens was driving. I got a little catch in my throat because I knew he was one of Jan’s friends, but the car didn’t seem to have much damage, and Jan was supposed to be with her mutual group that night. I wasn’t too worried because I thought it was just a minor accident. I was just going to keep going, but the Holy Spirit prompted me to stop. I pulled to the side of the road, and walked back to the bridge.”
Jan took over again, crying now, “I remember waking up on the side of the ravine, wondering how I got there. Somehow I was ejected from the car and didn’t go all the way to the bottom. I ended up with just a broken arm and thirty-two stitches in my head. Someone was calling to me and telling me not to move. I suddenly remembered what had happened and sat up to see where Lee ended up.” She paused to ask her mom for a tissue, then continued, “When I saw his car down in the ravine, I knew he was dead. I just laid back and screamed my lungs out. Then a fireman lowered himself to the ledge and after making sure I hadn’t injured my neck or back, he hooked me into a harness and I was pulled up to the top.”
President Parkinson continued, “I got as far as the Jeep before Sheriff Perch stopped me and asked me to walk over to his cruiser with him. As soon as I sat down, he informed me that Lee had gone off the bridge with Jan in the car. I think I was in shock at that moment, because I just got out of the car, and walked back to the Jeep. Roy had a pained look on his face, and I asked if he was okay. When he didn’t reply, I thanked him for stopping to help. He just turned and ran away. One of the girls that were with him came up to me and said, ’He didn’t mean to do it’ before she went to comfort Roy.” He smiled at his wife and went on. “I think one of the hardest things to get over was the fact that I just couldn’t get mad at Roy. It was a stupid thing for him to do, but it was just an accident. I tried so hard to find someone to blame, but I just couldn’t blame any of the kids involved that night. I had a serious talk with them all much later, and Amber, the girl that was supposed to take Jan home that night ended up trying to kill herself because she felt so guilty. I just was so mad that Lee was gone, and I couldn’t find anywhere to release it. There was no “bad guy”; just a lot of mixed up kids.”
“I was furious too,” said Jan. “At Roy, at Amber, but mostly at myself. My parents kept telling me I shouldn’t be hanging around with that crowd, but I didn’t listen. I was naive enough to think as long as I didn’t drink or smoke with them, it was okay. The saddest thing about that night was that Roy hadn’t been drinking. He was completely sober when he went around us like that. I hated him for so long.”
Jan paused to blow her nose, and Bart took over. “I was supposed to be in the car that night too. Lee asked me to ride with him, but I refused. He had just asked Shelley Hastings to marry him, and I wanted to be his best man. He told me he was going to ask her brother Neal instead, and I was mad. I felt guilty because the last words I said to him were, ‘Why don’t you ask your best man to go with you?’”
Tara was surprised to hear how much guilt the whole family seemed to feel over what she saw as all Roy’s fault. She couldn’t believe he was the one who caused the accident. Bart and Roy had both been on the wrestling team the year before, and seemed to be very supportive to each other. Bart didn’t treat him like the murderer that he was. She couldn’t help asking them all, “How could you forgive Roy? How can you watch him go on with his life and not be mad?”
Jared, who was only ten when Lee died, spoke for everyone. “We all reacted differently to what happened, but when Dad came home that night, he sent the police away, called us all together for a family prayer, and asked Heavenly Father to forgive us all for the bad feelings we were sure to experience in the days following the accident. He asked God to ease the pain and guilt that those involved in the accident would be feeling. I remember the first time I saw Roy after the accident, I was all ready to get mad as he came toward me, but honestly Tara, I was filled with the most intense love for him. I thought for a moment that he was Lee come back to life. I just stood there and stared at him for a moment, but I wanted to hug him.” Jared blushed and pretended to see something outside the window as tears came to his eyes.
Tara realized she was crying too. As she wiped her tears away, she caught Anne’s eye and they both smiled. “Can you imagine what Roy would have done if Jared hugged him?” Tara asked as she laughed a little.
Bart laughed a little too, then told her, “I did hug him once. We were ready to start a wrestling match just two weeks after the accident, and he had been avoiding me. I was kinda glad he did, because I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t want him to think it was okay that he had caused my brother’s death, but I didn’t hate him either. I finally cornered him in the bathroom as he was coming out of a stall. He looked at me like he was afraid I was going to kill him, so I backed off a little and said, ‘I don’t hate you’. He started to cry right there in the boy’s bathroom, with all these jocks standing around and said, ‘You should. I do.’ I just couldn’t stand to hear him talk that way, so I walked over to him and picked him up in a hug like I would Jared, and just kept saying ‘I don’t hate you’ over and over until he pulled away. I still held onto his shoulders, looked him in the eye, and said ‘Lee was my best friend from the time I was born, and I will miss him every day of my life, but I will see him again, and getting mad at you will not bring him back. I don’t hate you.’ Then I walked away, and from that time on, we have been able to joke around and be comfortable with each other.”
“So he was never charged with murder or anything? Was he punished at all?”
Tara asked.
“I knew the memory of what he had done was going to be the worst punishment anyone could give him,” Pres. Parkinson said. “The judge at his hearing didn’t agree. I wrote a letter to the judge, the police department, and each of the families involved asking them to consider our family. We didn’t want to make Lee’s death the end of five other lives. Amber had already tried to kill herself and was in BHC, and Roy and the three girls that were riding with him had just gotten back to school and were starting to have a somewhat normal life. I didn’t want the death of our son and brother to be prolonged in any way.”
Jan said, “When he first asked us to sign the bottom of the letter, I was still a little mad and I refused. I wanted everyone to remember my brother was dead forever. Then I found out what Amber had done, and I felt so bad for her I agreed to sign. My dad was right. The longer we pointed fingers or let the judge punish any of the kids, the longer it would take for all of us to heal.”
Anne, who had stayed silent through most of the discussion quietly said, “If we had only known how hard it would be once the blame had stopped . . . ”
Her whole family nodded their agreement.
“When the drama died down, all we had was a family full of grief and guilt pretending to live like a normal family. We all just went through every day absorbed in ourselves and until my dad had his breakdown, we didn’t even know that we weren’t the only ones hurting.”
Tara was shocked, “Breakdown? You had a breakdown Pres. Parkinson? I thought if anyone knew for sure how to deal with death, you would.”
He laughed a little and said, “That was part of the problem, Tara. I knew I would see my son again, so I knew that wasn’t the problem. I didn’t feel any anger toward the boy and girls involved in the accident, so I knew that wasn’t the problem. I knew my family needed my love and support more than any other time, yet I felt so completely useless and powerless for the first time in my life. With all my wisdom . . . ” (the whole family laughed at the mention of wisdom, including him) “ . . . I couldn’t bring back my son, I couldn’t stop the pain and guilt everyone was feeling, and most of all I couldn’t stop feeling betrayed by my beliefs. I had grown up in the church, and I had always thought that if you know the plan of salvation, you won’t feel grief. I learned I had been mistaken about that. The church doesn’t promise you won’t grieve at all, we just know there is still hope for a future with our loved ones. We still have to learn how to deal with the hole left in our lives. I think the talk my wife wrote a year after the accident put the point across very well. Susan, what was it you said?”
“I don’t remember, Bryce. It has been so long. Something about losing a limb or something.”
“I remember,” Tara said. “I think it was one of the first Sundays after I moved here. You said everyone had to grieve in their own way and in their own time. You said it was like when someone loses a leg. Some people recover quickly, and don’t even need a wheelchair or crutches to get around. They just hop from place to place and adapt. Other people are more overwhelmed by the loss and need intensive therapy and may always have to have a crutch to get by. You said grief for the loss of a person, a pet or a relationship was the same. Some people can replace a puppy and feel better. Some can get remarried after a death or a divorce and be happier than ever before. Some need therapy or the crutch of antidepressants for a while or maybe even for the rest of their lives to function. You said no way of doing it is right or wrong for everyone. Each situation is different and each person is different, so each grief period is different.”
Pres. Parkinson laughed and said, “ And I thought the youth of today weren’t paying attention in church.”
Everyone laughed, then Tara remembered something else she had heard in that talk. “You mentioned a young woman you knew who had lost her fiancee in an accident and had even asked her bishop if it was possible to still be sealed to him. Was that Shelley?”
“Yes,” Susan replied. “She did get special permission to be sealed to Lee, and for a long time she fasted and prayed about it. After nearly six months she felt the Lord wanted her to be sealed to someone here on earth, and she didn’t go through with it. She is dating a wonderful young man now. He had some Word of Wisdom problems as a teen, and even spent some time in jail for a drunk driving accident that injured his best friend. He repented and cleaned his life up when he was 22, and served a full time mission. Now he is a police officer in Oakley, running the DARE program in the local school district. He knows how much she loved Lee, and he secretly told me he is going to propose to her by taking her to his grave and asking Lee for her hand. I thought it was a little morbid, but it sounded so much like something Lee would get a kick out of, I knew it was perfect.”
Anne said, “I totally forgot! Bryan called just before we left for Salt Lake to ask if they can stay with us around the 20th of January. He is planning a special night in Sugar City and he wants us to be a part of it. Do you think he is going to propose then?”
That would be so neat if he proposed on the 19th or the 22nd for Lee’s birthday or Mom’s birthday,” Jared said.
“He might want to have a day that isn’t linked to anyone else, Jared,” his mother replied. “It must be strange to be thrown into a family that is only considered family because your girlfriend used to be engaged to their son. He fits right in, and he seems to be okay with the situation, but I don’t think we need to be part of everything they do.”
“But Mom,” Jared said, “he was the one who said he wanted us to be part of it. If it bothered him, he wouldn’t come see us every time he is in town. Sometimes he comes even when Shelley isn’t with him. He even told me he wishes he had met Lee. I reminded him that if Lee was alive, Shelley wouldn’t have fallen in love with him, but he said that was okay, as long as she was happy. He said he would have fought Bart and Neal for the Best Man spot, and made them compete for ring bearers or something.” He grinned at Bart, who in turn tried to swat his ear.
Everyone laughed and Mrs. Parkinson said, “I still think we should prepare ourselves for the inevitable. When they get married and start their own family, they aren’t going to want to split their time between their extended families and ours. I am sure we will always be a part of their lives, but it certainly won’t be as much as we are now. Don’t pressure them to include us just because of Lee.”
Pres. Parkinson squeezed his wife’s hand, reminding Tara of the way Allen held her hand the night before. “I have talked to Bryan and Shelley both about not letting Lee get in the way of anything they do, and they both have assured me that Lee was what brought them into our lives, but they stay because they love us, not out of guilt or some debt they owe Lee. I agree with you, Susan. We shouldn’t expect them to be part of our lives forever, but I think they will be.”
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